Numinous

Chapter 18

**Shout out to captstefanbrant on tumblr for helping me fix my writers block for this chapter**

Waking. I'm surrounded by blackness; not for long though because my eyes slowly flutter open. My blurry vision fades as my eyes begin to focus together. I'm in a room, there's medical stuff everywhere so I assume I'm in a private room in the infirmary.

'How did I get here?' I begin to recall the events of yesterday. It was the usual routine; wake up, all the girls help each other to get some shower privacy, go to the mess hall for breakfast, go to the sim waiting room and wait all day, then begin the sim. I remember my sim vividly, but I can't remember anything after that.

Searching my brain, trying to remember, my thoughts are interrupted by the door creaking open. Eric's head pops into the room; his face shows signs of relief and seems a little happy to see me awake.

Coming all the way into the room, he gently closes the door and shuffles his feet to a chair on the bedside.

"How you feeling?" Eric shifts in the chair trying to get comfortable.

"I feel like there's an anvil on my chest. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. I don't want to move or do anything ever again. Just let me lay in this bed forever."

Eric chuckles, "Yeah, the nurse said you'd feel like that. She said you had a severe panic attack and that it totally drains the body of all its energy." That explains some things.

"Wait, Eric, why am I even in here?"

"You don't remember?" he leans forward in his chair, placing his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together in front of him; he looks slightly concerned.

"I remember everything up to my fear sim and what occurred in the sim, but nothing after that." Eric leans back and shifts uncomfortably in his chair again. I can see how he could be uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable. My fear was being attacked when most vulnerable and...taken advantage of. Eric and Four both had to just stand there and witness that without being able to do anything to stop it.

"We pulled you from the sim, your vitals were going haywire. When you came out of the sim you were scared and confused. So, you fought your way out of the room and ran. You then ran into someone and almost fell down The Chasm. Luckily, I ran after you and was able to catch up in time to save you."

He saved me?

"Thank you, Eric. For saving me from you know...death. His mood then took a 180-degree turn, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah well, I wouldn't have had to save you if you didn't have an outburst."

"An outburst?!"

"Yes, an outburst. You over-reacted and didn't control yourself."

"You can't be serious right now!"

"Dauntless don't run away from their fears; Dauntless aren't cowards."

"It was my first time with that sim!"

"That might have been the only time you got to practice that sim! You have four weeks left before the final test where they throw all your fears together and you must complete all of them and get them done in good time. The only time someone is pulled out is if the majority rule of leaders agree to pull them; but it's automatic failure and they are immediately removed from Dauntless and become factionless."

"Eric, I had a normal human reaction to fear."

"Dauntless don't get to have those reactions. We're the warrior faction. We're brave, we're tough, and we aren't cowards. If you can't handle this then you don't belong in Dauntless and should leave." Eric was looming over my bedside, towering over me.

My blood began to boil. How dare he try and convince me to leave! How dare he accuse me of being a coward! The nerve that this man has.

Wiggling around, I'm able to sit up with a few huffs of frustration.

"So, I guess that means you're 100% sure that you're Dauntless?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" he snarls.

"You never once questioned whether you made the right choice? You never once questioned whether you had the ability to make it past initiation? Even when you were bested by Four, you never doubted whether you had what it takes to be Dauntless?"

Eric lunges forward causing me to fall back flat on the bed. His hands slam down on the bed next to my face, making me jump. His eyes were dark, and a sharp blue fire seemed to be set ablaze in them as he peered into mine.

I glared back at him with the same intensity, not backing down. My heart-monitor betrayed me though, letting out loud and quick—beeps—signaling that my heart-rate was rising drastically; I am honestly terrified right now.

"You better choose your next words very carefully Pinky. Your life might depend on it." Eric growls; he's so close though that I can feel every hot word he breaths.

"I am not the first to admit that they have doubts about their choice, and I'm not going to be the last. It is not unusual for people to be afraid, it's part of our emotions; and I don't think emotions are a weakness. It's smart to know what you can and cannot bear, that way you won't be reckless and go into situations with false hope and be in way over your head. That to me, is the opposite of a warrior. Dauntless isn't all about being tough and feared; it's about bravery and courage remember? I think it's very brave and courageous to admit your emotions."

There were so many things running through Eric's brain. You could see it in his eyes, the wheels were turning. Unfortunately, we were interrupted by the creaking door. Eric quickly stepped backwards, putting space between us as a nurse entered.

"is everything okay in here? How you doing Maeve?"

"I'm doing good, extremely exhausted though." I let out a fake laugh.

"Oh, I have no doubt about it. You know, the body uses up the same amount of energy when having a panic attack that it would if it were having a heart-attack. Which is why you feel this way. Your body needs to regain its energy."

"When can she leave the infirmary?" Eric asks the nurse.

"She is free to go whenever. Just make sure to get some rest and regain your energy alright?"

"Olay."

"Alright, feel free to leave whenever."

"We will be leaving now." Eric decides I'm not arguing with that, the infirmary is kind of creepy.

After I check out of the infirmary, Eric leads me through Dauntless. We seem to be in a living quarters of some kind.

"Nurse said you needed to get some rest. You won't be getting any sleep in the dormitories, trust me, everyone will not want to leave you alone. So, you can crash at mine for now."

"A-at your p-place?" This is his apartment? He brought me to his apartment?

"Yeah, you can't tell anyone though. We both will get in major trouble, got it?" he fishes out a key and unlocks the door letting us in.

I'm in the Eric's apartment.

"you were right about one thing Maeve." He says as he gives me a brief tour of his apartment, which is surprisingly very clean.

"I do have doubts...sometimes. You just gotta work through it though and face your fears." He stops short in front of some double doors. "Like how I'm facing one of my fears right now." He breathes out a sigh.

"What fear is that?" he begins to open the double doors, and steps into a master bedroom. Turning to me, he answers with a soft yet scared smile.

"My fear of loving you."