Partnered Up☕︎

#44 I've turned 'up' to be a even more incomprehensible human being.

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#44 I've turned 'up' to be a even more incomprehensible human being.
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Fay

I've always secretly thought about what it would be like to kiss someone. I'm sure we all do at some point in our lives. It's just something that's so thought of, and so seen all the time. Anywhere and everywhere.

I always pushed those thoughts away. I never allowed myself to get close to people. I always ran from feelings. Because they can disappear so easily.

They can leave so easily. So why would I let myself get attached? Why would I let myself care and love someone, if they have a high chance of leaving me? It scares me.

And it scares me more that I've started to allow myself to fall into the thing I'm most afraid of.

I'm pretty sure I've started to fall in love with someone.

Someone who's annoying, rude, shy, intriguing, kindhearted and makes me be brave, by confronting the word and feelings that make me most terrified. He makes me feel again, even if I try so very hard not to.

And his intriguing, infatuating, and pretty cherry lips are now on mine.

"What. Is. Happening?"

My eyes stay closed, and I don't even try to stop him or myself. His lips are softer than I expected, and cold, so cold I fear of frost bite. His breath is warm, and minty, filling my lungs with energy, just as he does when simply speaking to me. My whole body is on fire! On fire! Is this normal? The thing inside my chest feels like it's just bursted out of my jail of a rib cage, and is now running free and wild.

His hands aren't tangled in my hair, or anywhere they shouldn't be, like I would be afraid of. No, his hands are frozen, as they cup my face ever so gently. And mine are awkwardly lying beside me.

After a few short moments, that felt like a beautiful forever, he pulls away, breathing in shakily, his dark chocolate eyes fill with anxiety and fear. I stand shocked, as my whole body from head to toe is burning. My throat tightens, and my stomach drops.

"I-I'm sorry," He breaths out, and I just blink, not sure what to say or do.

"What. What just happened?!"

Nervously, he runs his hands threw his curly head. "Crap! I'm such an idiot! I probably messed everything up now huh?! Your probably freaked out now huh? Are you freaking out? You probably don't want to answer, huh?!"

"Huh, for the first time Fay's not the one babbling, Eli is. Game changer."

I'm stuck. I can't speak. I'm so happy, but so conflicted.

If he kissed me, naturally that means he likes me! Scratch that! He just said he loves me right before! He loves me? Is that possible? Someone loves me? In that sort of way? Why am I so happy about this? Why do I feel like laughing and crying at the same time?

"D-did you mean it?" I breath out, feeling a bit light headed, clutching my shoulders from the cold.

His face whips over to mine, so shy, his expression filling with nervousness and fear. "Of course."

I want to say it too. But I can't. I can't risk it. I can't risk losing him. I can't risk something happening. I can't say it. What if I don't mean it? Do I really even know how to love someone? Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to give him the love he deserves. I'm just not capable.

That part of me is still broken, and I don't know how to fix it.

I want to cry. I want to cry because I've feared for so long. I've feared for so long that no one would want to love me that way after Davis died, I felt so alone. I felt so lost.