I'm just bored...

Burden

I used to think that I was a burden to everyone who knew me. I was so afraid to approach them or tell them that I was hurting. I kept it to myself even though some of my friends were there to help me up. But I was just too afraid to tell them. Too afraid to be with them. Always too afraid that what I felt would them hurt them too, which I would  never do to them.

Everyday would feel like death.  I  wasn't feeling anything and it was all blue. Whenever someone would ask me if I was okay, I'd tell them I was even though I wasn't. Whenever they asked me if I was ill, I'd tell them "no" even though I was already dying inside. I didn't want them to pity me or just be there for me because I was weak, that's why I would show them the side of me which they think is okay or normal to them. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to be a burden. But I know, that I am.

Days turned to weeks. Weeks to months. Crying became a hobby. Staring out of nothing became normal to me. I like being alone but at the same time, I want to tell someone that I was not okay. I needed help. I needed comfort. But my brain played along with these emotions telling me that I shouldn't tell anyone. They may feel sad, hurt and most of all,  I was gonna be a problem.

I hated what I felt. I hated how'd I think. I felt stupid, immature, dumb, worthless, replaceable, weak, too sensitive, etc. Redundant, to be exact. 

Until one day, I decided that I wanted to be happy. 

I decided to change. I decided to lower my expectations to others and to myself. Became more observant and started to be more open and honest. I was slowly letting go of my old self without thinking hard on how should I change or if I could.

I'm not the same person as I was before. 

I'm quite surprised with what happened to me for the past few months. I started to feel light and feeling all happy inside. It wasn't an easy process but I had to because I wanted it. I also opened all my problems to my closest friends.  I thought they didn't care but the truth was, they all did. I was just too blind to see it. I just needed a little push and some courage for me to get out of it. 

Because of that experience, I became more closer to God. I'm not saying that I became all religious, 'cause until now I'm not that kind of a religious  person. All I'm saying is that, I became more  closer to God because I trust Him  more than ever. The priest never fails to remind me, us in the homily that we should surrender everything to God and we should always trust in Him. Truly, happiness starts with H. It starts with Him. Not everyone of you may believe in Him or trust in Him, but keep in mind that there is always someone who loves you even though everyone  here on earth does not. He is watching you, guiding you and loves you  unconditionally.

I'm sharing this experience to all of you to remind you that its okay not to be okay. It's not your fault and never blame yourself why you are sad. What's not okay is that you kept it to yourself. Its okay to seek out for help. I know it can be hard but try not to be afraid. There are people out there who are also feeling the same way you feel about yourself, who are in pain, who are confused and who are afraid. But please, do not forget  that there are also people who are willing to listen to you, who love you, and who are willing to help you. Don't let the negativity get in to you. Talk to someone and don't be afraid to approach them. 

Don't be afraid to speak up.