Coffee Shop Soundtrack (Marianas Trench)

Chapter Thirty Six

Matt frowned as he watched Josh later. He’d just fallen asleep after a long time of just explaining everything to Matt. They’d gotten dinner amidst this all, and the Chinese takeout boxes littered the floor. Josh was asleep, though he didn’t look peaceful; there was a crease in his forehead and a frown etched on his face. Matt sighed. He wasn’t mad at Josh, of course he wasn’t. He was upset that Josh had had to go through all that, and Matt was feeling selfish for even mentioning his problems to his boyfriend, because he knew Josh had it much worse. He’d only been clean for about a year... Jesus Christ. Matt felt awful. He carefully unhooked himself from Josh's grip, and picked up the shoebox, leaving Josh alone in bed and heading up to the kitchen. 

He sat at the counter, staring at the journal. He took a sip of the water he’d poured for himself, and opened the worn out book.  

The first page was as Josh’d told him. Records of his weight. It scared Matt, really, to see the weight drop from 180 pounds right down to 135 in the space of less than a year. He covered his mouth, but continued, shocked and dismayed. He furrowed his brow and turned the page, reading some of the writing Josh’d written. It was scrawled, and messy, but Matt didn’t expect anything less.  

The songs were confusing for Matt to read. Mostly because they were in scraps, little sentences, but Josh’d circled them and underlined them so much so it was almost illegible. He’d have to ask Josh to translate what he didn’t understand.  

With trembling hands, he turned to the back of the book, right where Josh had shown him the suicide note. He took a deep breath and a sip of water before actually reading it. 

So, this is what people do, so I thought I’d just write something down so you don’t see me as heartless after I’m gone. I’ve been planning this a while. Tried it a couple times. Hopefully it’s third time lucky, and by the time you read this, it will be.  

It was all too much for me, I think. The constant pressure... I can’t handle it. I’m a burden to you all, so it makes so much sense. Your lives will be so much easier without me weighing you down. Just trust me on this one. Don’t mourn me, don’t miss me. 

 It’s not worth it, I’m not worth it. I’m stupid, worthless. You can lead a better life without me. Think of this as a fucking favour.  

Tell mom and dad and my sisters this isn’t their fault. Tell them I’m sorry, and I love them. Of course it isn’t. It’s my fault for getting myself into shit like the drugs, and god, I think that was the half of it. That’s why I came to my senses and realised that I need to disappear.  

I love you. I’m sorry for being suck a fuck-up and wasting your time. I’ll leave now, that’ll be better, yeah? I got some pills here... and if they don’t work I’ve got my blades. I’m all set to go.  

Just make sure everyone’s safe. That’s all I can ask. I know I’m being selfish. Just make sure they’re all okay. I’m sorry. 

Matt didn’t realise he was crying until a tear splashed on the page. He hastily wiped at his face, but it was in vain as the tears just fell faster. He didn’t want to imagine what Josh was feeling when he wrote this. God, Matt felt guilty. He put his head down on the table and just cried, just let it out.  

It must have been a little while he was out there, because he awoke to Josh gently rubbing circles in his back.  

“Baby...” Josh mumbled, giving a pained expression as Matt awoke sharply. His eyes were red and sore, and he coughed as he tried to refocus. He heard mewling, and noticed Tux was cradled in Josh's arms.  

“Hmm - what?” Matt slurred, and then he realised what he’d been using as a pillow. He looked at Josh, the expression indicating he was almost scared of what Matt would say. He’d obviously just woken up and rushed to go find his boyfriend. 

“Come on, come back to bed.” Josh ushered, running his fingertips across Matt's forearm after he set the cat carefully down on the floor. 

“Yeah... yeah... bed. Okay.” Matt mumbled.  

“Here, sweetheart, I got you.” Josh said, carefully picking Matt up bridal style and taking him back downstairs. He placed Matt carefully into bed, tucking the covers up near his chin as he knew his boyfriend liked, and then climbing in next to him. 

“I love you, Joshy.” Matt murmured, grabbing hold of Josh. “Don’t leave me. I love you.” 

Josh frowned, knowing what Matt had read, and merely held on to the other boy tighter. “Love you too, don’t worry, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, baby, just get some sleep.” Matt made a barely distinguishable reply, before draping his arms around Josh's middle and shutting his eyes. 

“Don’t kill yourself.” Matt slurred. “I love you too much.”  

It was Josh's turn to lay silent, startled by the statement.