Beneath the Surface

Chapter 30

When the nightmare was over, I grabbed my bag and ran to the locker room. I hide in a corner and cried. I'm so ashamed of myself, I can't even look in a mirror anymore.

What have I become? I'm nothing more than a person. A damaged person that can never be the same. I could never bring a child into this world knowing it has less of a chance to be happy then I do. I could never live with myself knowing I'd brought her up in misery.

Luckily I want have to. The time has come for me to do what I have to do. My plan must be set into motion before it's too late.

I stand up and lift my head. I wipe up my tears and put on my brave face. I can do this, I tell myself. I have to, I have No choice.

I reach in my bag and pull out a flowing white dress. I put it on hoping it will make me feel less dirty. Eh. It sorta works. I still feel ashamed but at least I look good.

I grab the rest of my bag and head back up to the pool. I stand inside the door and scan the deck. No one is there and all the lights in office are off. Perfect. I'm alone. There's no one to interfere.

I walk out into the deck and toward the deep end of the pool. I set my bag down and look around. I take in my surroundings. The chlorine in the air. The mildew jut about everywhere. The humidity. It wasn't exactly what I would call calming.

I reach in my bag and pull out some bricks and some string. Each brick weighs about 5 pounds. I pick them up and begin to tie one to myself for every problem in my life.

This one right here, is my mother. This other one here is also my mother. Another one for Brent. And one for each of Erin Andy and Arianna. I add another two for Arnesto. Last but not least, I pull out a slightly smaller one and attach it to me to represent my little unborn baby.

As I'm tying all the knots in the string and attach them to myself, I think about what my life has become. I have no friends. My family hates me. My only love doesn't love me. I let people take advantage of me. I'm a slut. There really isn't any reason for me to not feel ashamed.

Once all the bricks are attached, I sit on the edge of the pool. I stare in and try to remember all the happy times I've had, but no memories come to me. I take a last moment to try and talk myself down, but honestly there are no words to say.

I'm left with no hope and no other options. My mother is hypercritical, but no one sees it. My friends don't support me, they're self centered. My ex only cares about sex, all anyone knows is he's a great guy with a harsh past. And my coach Is a rapist, no one knows.

That's all I think about in the last moments as Lilly Johnson.

I back up from the water. I take my last breath And run up to the edge. I jump into the air.

I plunge in and sink to the bottom. Deeper and deeper I go. I struggle as the air escapes my lungs. I feel myself slowly dying as I drown. Knowing these will be my last moments, I decide to make the most of them and reflect on my life.

Isn't it amazing no one ever noticed anything is wrong? On the outside I seem calm and like everything is alright. As I begin suffocating at the bottom of the pool, I realize we have a bit in common. As my eyes close for the last time, I think about how there's always so much more lying beneath the surface.