Poetic Whispers

All in my head

I landed in the hospital last year

The anxiety from my parents and school work

And the pressure to be a perfect daughter

Finally ruined me

My mind collapsed on itself

I couldn't stutter a word out if I'd tried

And walking was just as difficult

Because my mind had finally given up

There were so many doctors and therapists

Asking questions, checking wrists

"We want to help,"

But I'm just so tired

My parents cried and made a promise

"We'll be better parents, we'll listen more,"

"Don't hold in your feelings, we can get through this,"

Silly me almost believed them

Three days later I could walk and talk

With a great amount of effort

And when we stepped out of the hospital I felt worse than before

Because I knew despite the promises nothing would change

The thing about anxiety is that no one believes you

Because it's in your head

Something you can't see can't be real right?

I could show you the scars- it's very real

Yes it's in my head, but isn't that worse?

Constantly my mind attacked me, eating at my spirit

And there was no simple cure or medicine

To let me go back to being the picture perfect child

For the next few months I had to go home early almost every day

Anxiety was engulfing me- swallowing my entire mind

At first my parents were concerned

They tried for the first month or so to help

One day I couldn't walk

And a teacher had to catch me as I began to sway

So the nurse called the principal

To see what they should do

I'll never forget the disbelieving look

"I saw her walk into school this morning- she was fine."

"What's so different now?"

As if I was faking it for attention, to get out of class

My mom took me home early again that day

But this time the car ride was silent

And when we got home she began to cry and scream

"Tell me what's wrong with you! Just tell me! Why are you doing this?"

It pierced my heart and slowly I began to feel worse, not better

But with every day that my eyes deadened

To my parents it looked like I was getting better

Because I learned to internalize it

The cuts on my wrists got bigger

But the smiles on my parents grew

Because they didn't have a crazy daughter anymore

Who had to leave school early every day

Five months after my hospital visit

I tried one last time to clue my mother in

And told her I'd felt dizzy again, praying for comfort and to not be ignored

I was again greeted with the familiar anger and silence I was so used to

So I stopped reaching out

When the lines on my wrists became obvious

My new canvas became my thighs

And my paintbrushes were always at hand

Over a year later and still I shake and stutter

But as long as my parents don't know, it's fine

Out of sight out of mind I remind myself

Pushing down the sleeves of my new blood soaked shirt