Strength

Part 16

Just as I start puttin my life back together again, as I start being genuinely happy, life decided to throw me back into darkness. 

As soon as I start making friends and actually feeling wanted and desired, I get that ripped away from me. 

As he continues to cheat and lie, my heart wanted to believe them, however my brain knew what they were. He lied to comfort me, make me feel wanted and vulnerable to do things that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing otherwise. However even that was put to an end when his true colors were finally shining bright. After that my heart was broken but for reasons I am unable to tell. 

However that is not the worst position life has put me in. No, now I am still considered a child and am constantly losing the trust and appreciation of my parents. The ones who should be following and backing up my every choice. I am still unable to live the life I want to live and be the person I want to be without disappointment drowning my parents happiness. For everything I do, every time I do something for me, they never seem to be ecstatic. Although, the rest of my siblings get showered with happiness and approval. Yet here I am, striving for just an ounce of approval.

Nobody truly understands what my heart is suffering through right now. Even if they were to see beyond the mask of happiness I put up, they still would never understand just how hard my struggle really is. My heart is constantly breaking at the thought that I am disappointing my family, my friends, my loved ones. It is constantly tearing apart whenever I follow a dream and look into their eyes seeing that disappointment, as if I brought dishonor to my family. I can never seem to fully grasp their attentions and attempt to help them understand and realize that what I'm doing, the disappointing and dishonoring actions and decisions I make, are all for myself. They are all for my happiness. 

I feel as though if I choose to actually follow my dream, choose to disregard the safe choice in life and jump into a pool of sharks, they will disown me. They will drop all hope and constantly look at me as if I were a disgrace. As if I hurt them, as if I ruined the lives of the world, and yet it is what makes me the happiest.

Yes I want to pursue medicine, but I feel as though that choice is just chosen to impress my family, not to impress myself. Yes medicine and the human body is the most interesting thing in the world, however I know that in reality that it is not my one true dream. It is not my dream to become a doctor, although it would be fun and very interesting it is not my dream in life.

 I remember constantly admiring those actors and artists ever since I were a little girl. I've always wanted to act and be an artist. I've always wished to be seen all over and admired just as I admired them. I fell in love with plays and Tv and the challenges it took to create such an amazing character. To change yourself and become anyone or anything you wish to become. I want that in my life. I want to entertain and be around people constantly, making a change for the good. However, here's the thing, thats not what they want. They don't want risk, they don't want to worry that I may not have a solid job, but I don't care if my job is going to be constantly reliable. I want to do what I love, no matter the cost. 

After constantly crying myself to sleep, and hiding away from my problems, allowing them to build up to the point where I can no longer burry them away, I will follow my dreams and create a path for myself. I will do what I want to do, whether that means I lose the admiring glow my parents would've had if I went through medical school. I will become the person that has been wanting to break through ever since the first time I laid eyes on the TV. I will be Marianna, for in the end no one should ever have the right to tell us how to run our lives, only ourselves.