happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

SIX: WILL

3 april 2017

the table is bustling with life after the chemistry test. meals of different flavors and kinds for our individual appetites crowd the table. conversation buzzes everywhere, with liam claiming that the answer to question 28 was c, sean disputing that it was d.

i had left that question blank. i hadn't studied, after all. in between talking to jordan and dealing with school's shit, i had failed to manage my time and emotions. my heart had won over the battle with my brain. it's victory prize? replaying the memory of lunch over the over again as the squares of my periodic table softened and disappeared.

"what was your answer, will?" liam attempts to drag me to his side of the argument.

"c." i lie. i almost admit i'd left it blank before i realise that would lead them towards a long string of questions. they most definitely would have found out about jordan if we went down that route. however, for now, jordan had to remain a secret.

"see? what'd i say?" liam exclaims in triumph, thinking he'd won. i tune out of the conversation as quickly as i had been pulled into it.

i want to talk to jordan. it's a strange feeling i'd never experienced before. yes, he still made me feel giddy with soreness, faded pain from a year ago. but the more i saw him, the less i felt like i couldn't stand it, the more i thought being around him was tolerable and maybe even enjoyable.

he made me feel all weird inside, as if i wanted so dearly what i didn't want at all. i guess it wasn't wrong. jordan made everything impossible for me.

jesus christ, i fucking hated that feeling. maybe that was the main reason why i kept thinking about it, because i had never felt a stronger emotion towards anything else, not at least since death's last kiss.

—

zach situates himself next to me during history. he usually sits with liam while i'm stuck with mitchell, since sean does not take up the course. i'm confused about the sudden change.

"i'm interested in something. mitchell's sitting with liam," he watches me take out my stationary and my notepad, "mr smith isn't gonna do anything but repeat the same lesson he's been giving us since the start of the year."

i shrug, staring at my notepad desperate to be written on with interesting content. i never lost hope, even in the stupidest of things. my habit of believing wasn't a weakness, wasn't a strength. it was just a part of me i never lost.

that's why i always bring a notepad to school. it has remained empty for months, but i believe that one day, mr smith will come to a realisation and talk about something different.

i never stopped believing. in mr smith. in myself. and, most importantly, in jordan.

"he'll change someday," i say, twirling a pen between my fingers, "what did you say you were interested in knowing?"

"did he text you?"

the pen drops back on my table. i glance around to see if anyone is listening. everyone is absorbed in their own worlds, but still, i lower my volume, "i don't see what you find so interesting about that."

"if i didn't know what happened between you both, i would have found out from your obvious look," he simpers.

why was i surprised? gossip is so quick to be heard. zach may have transferred halfway through the school year, but he had found his way onto the social ladder easily.

"he texted me. but so what?" i reply, "there's really nothing to it."

"score!" he shouts. some people turn to look at him, but he doesn't show even a morsel of embarrassment, "it was my plan this entire time. to make the both of you feel better and move on because jeez, it's about fucking time."

"you weren't even in the school when it happened," i challenge.

"but jordan is a great person, you're a great person. he wants to be your friend and vice versa. how could you say no to that?" he ends off in his annoying high pitched voice.

"yah, we're friend again. happy?" i say. the certainty in my own voice makes me uncomfortable. i didn't know whether the platonic feeling was mutual, let alone be able tell someone. what if i felt a bond of friendship which he didn't even think existed? it was a possibility i had pondered over for a long time, before i realised i was being obsessive thinking about him for so long. i was digging myself in my own grave.

"very much, william," he smiles, satisfied.

"what does it matter, anyway?" i huff, already exhausted by the thought of jordan.

"i mean, a matchmaker needs to find a start somewhere to build his reputation, i start with mending broken friendships," zach replies.

a matchmaker. i remember now. after zach had joined my group of friends with liam, sean and mitchell, he'd told us about his old life in canada. the one detail about him being the infamous school matchmaker must have drowned among the other countless crap he'd mentioned.

i always thought he had those vibes. like he had a scheme, to set people up. i'd just assumed he'd stopped.

"if you want success fast, you could just aim for the gay ones. they'd need help finding each other," i suggest.

he turns to me, eyes penetrating mine with a sharp and distinct tinge of disbelief, "that's disgusting."

i gulp. zach was homophobic, now confirmed. how ironic, i laugh to myself, he thinks he's making people friends again, but he's just pushing them down the edge to something more. just like me and jordan. the exact opposite of what he wants.

mr smith walks in and shuts the class up. the feeling of betrayal and revulsion lingers between us. it stings ever so slightly. i don't know why. a part of me had always felt strongly against homophobia. sometimes i even considered that that part of me may be the part which loved a gender which weren't girls. but then i quickly shut myself up because adding more strain to my life would completely wreck it.

i take a glance at the whiteboard. almost like magic, mr smith starts going through something different.

as a look around, i see that i'm the only one who has paper to write on while others are struggling to cram it all in their head.

it's because i was prepared, and i never ever lost hope.