happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

NINETEEN: JORDAN

why am i inspired to make a love, simon spin off with kiani/klance instead omg -aŁ

12 july 2016

i didn't have a choice. i was hopeless in the mess we had created. i couldn't do anything.

will is going mental, i'm sure of it. but could i blame him? i guess not.

i couldn't fucking believe, that the entire time i was falling in love with that poor, poor boy he had broken up with his own future. that he was suffering immense pain and confusion from his isolation and tangled web of lies. that i had fallen prey for that fucking thing, thinking i knew all about him.

i was so wrong.

why the fuck was i so stupid?

—

"so what, will's a murderer now?" julio sniggers, chomping off a huge chunk of the apple in his hand.

"about bloody time he snapped," brayden whispers in a way that shows he knows talking about will in such a light is trouble, but he gives absolutely no fucks.

"i mean, it was pretty obvious he was-"

i get up and leave with my tray. purposely look away from the direction of will's table. go to the other end of the canteen and sit at the next empty seat i can find. the person next to me shifts away. silence falls temporarily among the entire canteen, before hot gossip swarms the place and everyone's gaze is barking at me like wild dogs staring at raw meat.

i want to fucking scream. but i just can't find it in me to even open my mouth.

defeat. that's it. because i have never felt this emotionally beaten up, stomped on, crushed, burnt and killed in my entire life.

is this what will feels like too?

the girl next to me stares at my side profile. i can see her in the corner of my eye. a string in my head breaks and i turn to glare at her directly in the eye. i don't stop even when she looks away with a small cough and a not-so-obvious redness on her face.

she wouldn't know. how the hell would anyone know that will had already been released? and that i was the reason for it.

nobody was supposed to know.

it has been.. what? 12 days since the incident, and will hadn't showed up. the principal said nothing. teachers ignored the fact that he was absent. the extra worksheet for him was left untouched and covered in dust. its almost as if he had already been jailed up.

i know the teachers know. i know the principal knows. the reason why will is skipping school isn't because he is in jail. he just wants to pretend he is.

the act had to be put to an end eventually.

i lost my appetite, so i leave the tray on the table, pull my hoodie up to cover my eyes and bend my head over while leaving. everyone would be glad, i think, they can gossip all they want, as loud as they want now.

there's a place i never talk about. it's a bathroom located at the furthest end of the campus, originally meant for people studying in the library (which not a lot of people go to, anyway). but ever since a more convenient and closer bathroom was built, everyone forgot about it.

the floors are stained with ambiguous traces of cocaine and weed, the permanent musky smell of smoke complementing it perfectly. the mirror has a mould like decoration around the edges. not a single piece of toilet paper can be found in the toilet cubicles. because even the cleaners have forgotten this bathroom exists.

if there was anywhere will would be hiding, it would be in there. i know it.

my feet quicken in pace, and i'm starting to feel something again. hope. aspiration. he's gonna be in there. and i can finally prove myself wrong. i can finally say that despite everything i've failed to see about will, i knew him enough to sense his presence. i fell in love with will, not my perception of him.

when i reach the rusty door, my heart throbs. and i know its about to explode.

but why doesn't feel like the way it used to? the way my heart absolutely burst into fireworks when will was kissing me?

i was right, though. my heart does explode. it's shattered with the single push of that bathroom door, revealing nobody behind it. just silence. darkness. there's no fireworks anymore, its black haunting taint.

another string in my mind snaps. and all i can do is stare. i don't have the tears to cry. i don't have the strength to search further. but i'm too scared to leave.

warmth on my shoulder. will, my first thought appears in seconds and dies as quickly. brown eyes. brown hair. my mind attempts to paste will's features onto his and convince itself that he's finally here, that my instinct was right and i was finally right. because nothing in my mind had been right ever since those screams.

i almost don't recognise it's ryan.

once i register that, i want to do something, scream, fall to the floor, cry. but i can't. again. i'm too tired.

"we went too far," i hear him say, "i'm sorry."

"fuck off," i manage to mutter, the words escaping my lips with a tingly feeling of resentment and familiarity.

"we owe you an apology. look, just-" ryan continues, although i'm not even looking at him.

"not fucking now. let me fucking be," i say again, "this isn't about you guys. nothing is. the world doesn't revolve around you, or brayden, or julio. if you want to fucking help, leave your egos out of it."

my tone sharpens. and i swear if i had enough strength in me, i would've punched him. i would have screeched to my lungs capacity for an hour straight because hell is less painful than the emptiness that manifests me. but right now, i don't have the power. i don't know exactly what i'm planning to do. i don't want to be living, but i'm too scared to die right there and then.

i just want to see will.

it's the only thing that feels right, my equilibrium.

until then, i don't know what to do with myself.