happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

THIRTY-ONE: JORDAN

18 august 2017

i knew it was a bad idea the moment i stepped onto the porch. i knew i would regret this once i knocked on the door and called out. and even though i knew that i would hate myself the second i wake up tomorrow, that did not stop me.

the clothes i had worn does not suffice in keeping me warm. evidently, i should have known better then to wear only a t-shirt and jacket. but even more obvious is the fact that i should have known better for a lot of things i have done tonight. going out with brayden to a bar, ordering more shots than i could pay for. the list went on. finding out i had fallen for will's manipulation for the second time, had thrust me into a whirlwind of hurt and denial. going into a spree of crazy nights had been the only thing i knew how to do to ease the pain.

jasmine takes a while to open the door. dressed in an oversized t-shirt paired with loose leggings, she has a face free of makeup that has just been wiped off. for a second, it comes back to my memory how gorgeous she actually is. without knowing the many layers to her as well as her intense feelings for me, i would have found her attractive.

maybe that's why i approached her that first time next to the fire escape route. maybe that's why, until now, she cannot get over the fact that i am not interested in her anymore.

"what are you doing here?" she asks, leaning against the doorframe, body covering the whole entrance - not a very welcoming sign.

"i don't want to go home right now," i confess, aware of how the alcohol is slurring my words, aware of how jasmine can tell, "i don't want to see my dad, or my room, y'know? and i don't have anyone else."

she takes in a deep breath and sighs as she turns her body away from the door, allowing me an entrance into her house. i rush in and fall on her couch, arms stiffly across my chest. strangely, the iciness from outside persists on following me inside too.

"so tell me, what's up with the red face and beer breath, bayani?" she strolls over to the kitchen counter, grabbing a jug of water and pouring it into a glass cup. i observe her silently, watching how she places two fingers on the jug to check the temperature, how she ignores the accidental spilling and calmly walks to me instead.

the heater in her room is unsuccessful, but the warmth radiating off her skin when she situates herself next to me somehow makes me feel warm. with my guard now loosened, i say, "i went to bar."

"no shit," she shakes her head with a smile toying at her lips. she hands me the cup of water and i quietly take a sip, only because i know she wants me to. "what made you go to the bar, knucklehead?", she inquires again.

"because life is a dickhead, and sometimes the person you care the most about turns out to be a dickhead too," i mutter with a sort of anger. instinctively, i turn towards the direction of her perfume - to my left - and smile, "also, who says i can't just show up because i want to see you?"

jasmine rolls her eyes with a playful grin, "while black-out drunk? yeah, right. i would say that isn't a good sign."

i exhale a shaky breath, the harshness in her lighthearted insult feeling damp and heavy, "maybe i need alcohol to have the courage to show up here."

that is a lie. even though i love jasmine as a friend, before it was revealed that will was blackmailing zach, her presence in my mind had faded away. i was too busy to deal with the girl who had fallen in love with me, and frankly, i had wanted to bury the hatchet in hopes that she would get over me. wanting to see her is definitely not my purpose in paying her a visit. but with my head spinning, i don't know exactly why i'm here either.

"come on, jordan. i'm not a fool. tell me what happened to bring you here," she sinks deeper into the cushion, legs crossed, "i'm all ears."

how can i tell the person who loves me about the person i love, that isn't her? i desperately wish for my bottle of beer back. taking a huge gulp of water, i pretend it is alcohol, dissolving my thoughts and abating my inner turmoil.