happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

TWENTY-THREE: JORDAN

24 july 2017

"himbo", it almost swept so quickly past my groggy attention and sleepy ears, before the call ended with the tired sound of being hung up on. almost, but not entirely. at first i cast it aside, thinking it was merely a misheard deformity of "goodbye" or "see you". yet amongst my fatigue i found a spark of realisation, and with a fuel of thinking, it became a wildfire of confusion blew up in my mind. then it turned into devastation, into euphoria, into nostalgia.

will always used to call me a "himbo". neither of us remember when it started, or how it was established to be a thing, but the name stuck. before we knew it, that was the name my number was saved under in his phone. before we knew it, will's accent twisted the nickname into one more of a pet name, and i didn't know if he'd done it on purpose or if that had merely been what i wanted deep down inside. i also never understood if will fully knew the meaning of "himbo", if he knew that all those small moment he had slipped in that word when referring to me, that he was, in other words, calling me a hotshot.

soon enough, my thoughts became a concern to me too, the very fact that i was wondering if he was dropping hints or i was overthinking. the fact that i was daydreaming about how "himbo" sounded like "hippo" and that will loved hippos, or how he might have been calling me dumb but also extremely attractive with that name.

putting down my phone gently, i exit my "recently contacted" list to avoid seeing his name staring back at me, knowing he's most likely staring right back at the same plain contact name that we mutually share in his bedroom. once where the code name had lay, in the time when only the two of us understood the inside joke and could laugh together at our clumsiness, now just a "jordan" and a "will" as contact names.

i turn off the lights and try to sink into my pillows and mattress. the atmosphere is warm and sticky, causing me to squirm uncomfortably in my position as if it will make anything different. only the thick ugly blanket i got for a christmas present falls off the bed and i'm still left with thoughts swarming my mind completely. exhaustion had completely ruined me minutes before, but where has it gone when i finally have the chance to fall into slumber?

i'm not able to bear the thought of staring at the ceiling for eternity in the dark, waiting for sleep to soothe my troubled mind. so, i push myself off the bed and into my desk chair, grabbing my phone off the table to check if ryan and all are doing what i suspect they are. it's no surprise that i'm right: they're still having a party at brayden's house, since his father is still overseas for a business trip.

i check the time. 11:24pm, the mini time gap between "people are getting drunk" and "everyone has either passed out or left". it's the time when the weak ones are holding up the toilet line because they're puking in there and the others are playing bear pong or finding someone to hook up with. i'm suddenly glad i hadn't agreed to going, but at the same time, i need someone to talk to so i can forget about will. it's the only way i can possibly go to sleep: without the conversation with will hovering over my brain like a fly over fresh food, an apparition of the person i lost a year ago coming back to haunt me.

ryan picks up after a minute of the phone ringing, his reddened face appearing on the screen. the sofa in brayden's living room is familiar, and i can see his body is sprawling on the white leathery mattress, legs handing over the armrest, head rested on some girl's exposed legs. his drunken smile is contagious, and soon i'm grinning too,  although i have no idea why.

"jordan! what's good?" he says way too loudly, even i can tell through the screen, as he gets up from the girl's lap to get better lighting.

the mention of my name must have attracted attention, because the faces of sorority girls start popping up in the background like moles out of dirt, each letting their dyed blonde hair drape downwards like a waterfall, but making sure it doesn't cover their extravagant earrings they used daddy's money to buy. i see the one with blue highlights- fuck, my ex girlfriend who i'd slept with a week ago.