happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

TWENTY-EIGHT: WILL

11 august 2017

i turn down my sound. tapping the back of my pen on my paper like i'm stuck at a problem, i glance up and scan the people behind zach's shoulder. there is a blond cashier and a customer having his order taken, a soccer mom with her child. i'm staring too long, i think as i drop my head back down to my math homework, cursing silently at my own stupidity, for not coming alone.

where is she?

i had invited zach and mitchell to come specifically on friday, 1pm, at denny's. a splitting image from that lunch i had with jordan. we have waited an hour now, even mitchell has left. but still, jasmine isn't here.

the reason why i want to see her is still unclear to me. jordan has told me about jasmine, about his troubles rejecting her. she evidently knows how it feels to be in love with jordan. maybe i want to know if her emotions match mine. a part of me also wants to apologise to her. until now, i feel bad that i had kissed jordan that day when he had still been going to church and when jasmine had been vying for his attention. in no way did i deserve it, but maybe she did. 

"i need the bathroom," i drop my pen and take off my headphones. with only a mere nod from zach, i storm off.

a numbing cold sensation grabs my face with a splash of freezing tap water. the monotone hum of mr smith's voice continues to bounce off the empty walls of my mind, each ringing off with a wave of pain in my head. i definitely need another coffee.

leaving the bare walls of the bathroom, i yawn. my head is pounding with every throb of my heart. is it from lack of sleep? or energy? it feels like my energy had slipped out of grasp, only an inch away.

my feet drag across the tiles. then they stop.

a lump forms at my throat. a lightning strike flashes in my brain and jolts me awake, turning my body into stone in milliseconds. but before i can stop them, my legs— still numb— are sprinting towards my phone as my heart drops into my stomach. zach sits casually, my phone in his hand, light illuminating onto his face and a slight reflection of words clear on his glasses. it could have been anyone else, anyone but zach.

"what the fuck?" i shout, snatching my phone forcefully from his hands. empty handed, he looks up to me inquisitively. blurry heads in the background turn in my direction, silence falling in place shortly after. it only makes me clench onto my phone harder.

"shh, calm down," zach says. i sit down still fuming, almost shaking. eyes follow me like flies. everyone is obviously and stupidly intrigued or annoyed. and i, i just want to slap the face in front of me.

those few seconds had been traumatising. the scene of zach holding my phone, scrolling through something, face totally unreadable from those few seconds of panic-filled disaster. there are things in there he cannot know. god forbid he finds out the secrets i hide from him. a certain anger stirs within me, threatening to explode at the smallest of triggers.

"what was that about?" i mutter through clenched teeth, my fingers wrapping around my phone so hard they hurt.

"what was that about? are you kidding me, what was that about?" zach whispers back angrily, sticking his chin out to where i had just been standing. i put my hand on my temple, just to stop it from slamming on the table.

"don't take my phone without my permission, for fuck's sake!" i argue in a hushed but sharp tone. and he has the audacity to frown, to knit those stupid eyebrows together and scrunch his nose like he's disgusted. the fucking audacity, "it isn't your fucking property, is it, asshole?! i left for barely 3 minutes, and you can't mind your own damn business."

he stares blankly back at my words like they couldn't mean less to him. there's hatred, and disgust. but there's no slight pout or arms crossed in a guarded position; not a single bit of remorse. my hands itch to punch him, shaking in the uncontrollable urge.

"firstly, i was just using google. secondly, i know everything about you will, what the fuck do you have to hide?" zach says, the firmness in his voice sending a chill down my spine. he doesn't know everything. he never did.

i glance at my phone. he couldn't have found out.

"fine. fine, i'm done," i start.

"done with what? your homework? or with me?" zach leans back on his chair, arms lifted in the air, testing me.

i don't answer. instead, i stuff my worksheets into my bag and ignore the sounds of crumpling. there isn't only one pair of eyes staring me down, i am aware. yet, indignation and anger is coursing through my veins, expelling insecurity entirely. the only thing on my mind is packing all my shit and getting the fuck out of this place, away from zach.

it takes ten seconds. ten seconds of that intense glare he gives when he isn't in the mood for jokes anymore. ten seconds of silence and increasing tension with each book a shoved down my bag. and then i'm gone.

stepping with heavy steps to the exit, the blond cashier looks away from my direction, the usual "thank you, come again" not even nearing his lips. i drop the heavy load on my back the second i turn the corner to meet a wall.

my phone, still glued to my hand, illuminates with a click. and there it is: my chat with jordan.

the blue bubble incapsulating the white prominent words "i think i am gay", stares back at me.

the hole developed at the pit of my stomach swallows my heart. my grip loosens; my hands almost let go of my phone. zach, my most trusted friend, but the one i swore i would never tell, the one who told me homosexuality is disgusting.

anyone but zach. my lower lip trembles in helplessness, it could have anyone. but. zach.