happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

FOURTEEN: WILL

7 july 2017

"you don't know shit," i yell, "you don't know anything about me."

"you're one to talk, faggot. you should see yourself when you're looking at him."

"yah? what the fuck about it?" i clutch onto the scar on my cheek, covering up my wince by tightening my frown.

they laugh.

"you look like you're gonna suck his dick any second."

"or little innocent boy's in looove. aw, how awfully sickening," spit lands on my sneaker, "do us all a favour, kiingtong. get the fuck out of our school."

over time, my experience in the alleyway behind the dunkin' donuts faded away. a week passed. a month. half a year. the edges of the incident started to dwindle, turning into moving mouths without words. it was my brains way of forgetting, making fragments of the incident disappear. in the end, with only a blur of motion for a recollection of that day, i had convinced myself that it had been nightmare. a bad dream exposing my inner self-loathing thoughts to me.

maybe this was my way of healing. up till yesterday, i wasn't too sure. i still had debates with myself about whether that fateful incident had occurred. sometimes it felt like it was a fight between my left and right brain. facts against emotions. i was stuck in the middle.

but as of now, i've finally come to a sound conclusion that it had indeed happened. jordan's friends really had beat me up behind the dunkin' donuts near our school. how i know? it's happening again.

"why do you keep digging yourself into the same trouble, dumbass?" is the only thing i hear behind me before my face is on the concrete floor.

thankfully, my hands catch my fall so i don't break anything. a sense of deja vu speeds past my mind and i scramble back up on my feet. this isn't the time to contemplate the feeling. this is the time to make sure i return home without a fracture.

i don't hear what they say next. maybe it's because don't want to, or i just can't bear the thought of it. either way, i get pushed around. the world is spinning around me as a punch in the face lands me on the ground again. a kick to my stomach. laughter. i absorb everything, the pain and the humiliation.

but this time, i don't protest or fight back. because a year ago, i had told myself i was straight and didn't have feelings for jordan. now, i don't even try to deny it. this is punishment. i don't deserve this, but at least it's a painful announcement: i fell in love with the wrong person. i am in love with the wrong person. from my point of view, i can't really grasp the confirmation. from theirs, they can tell by the eyes, the glances, the smiles, the body actions. they know something is amiss with me. they know i have fallen. and this is how i realise there is no going back up.

in another blur of actions, i get struck in the right side of my chest. it's a dull but strong force, and i'm tempted to let out a groan. i bite my lip to cover up the vulnerability. the nightmare would be over sooner if i didn't show that i was in pain.

what are they saying? my body is aching. my eyes are desultory. dots dance around ryan's, brayden's and julio's faces above me. shapes move and dissolve around their faces and the sky. everything seems to merge and separate at the same time.

i'm thankful for this strange defense i have against them. i know what they're probably talking about, but i can't hear their actual voices. i'm floating above all of this; i'm going to make it out of this fine.

footsteps pound on the ground in a steady rhythm. someone is here. my head snaps upwards to where the noise is coming from. maybe they could help me beat up these jerks. i hold onto this little flicker of hope.

at first, i only see the girl jordan introduced me to– is it jasmine? she looks torn apart, smile forced onto her face as if it's out of place. following her is jordan himself. why didn't i expect it? he lives barely a few blocks away from here.

then they both turn to me in unison. i don't know if i'm embarrassed or relieved that jordan sees me in this position– being beaten up by his own friends. a cold chill runs through me as jordan reaches the realisation and his eyes widen. finally, i think, now he knows his friends are jerks. finally, he's going to tell them what he really thinks.

ever since i'd met jordan, i knew one thing about him that most didn't. he may have strut around in school as one of the best–looking guys, outshining his friends in terms of looks and style, but truly he was only in their shadow. he never struggled to fit in, that came naturally he told me, but the key to the difference between them and him, was his accepting nature. in a lot of aspects, he had opinions that contradicted with theirs. and so he learnt to keep his mouth shut about them, about what he called: 'things on the unspoken disapproved list with double underlining'.

i am one of those things.

all those times i knew he never stood up for me and kept his silence. i don't mind, either. it's a topic we never talked about, yet amicably agreed on.

i see the repressed anger in his eyes; he's changed. maybe he's finally going to say something, do something to his dumbass friends who hate me to my guts. i stare at the blue swirling irises. give him a look. beg him to do something.

he flinches, and i realise ryan, brayden and julio are staring at him too. they don't look guilty. i want to get up, but julio's heavy shoe is pressed on my left thigh, leaving me stuck. time halts to a standstill for a while after that. the sound of crickets in the grass lowers to nothing. there's only the six of us, stunned.

i try to scan what's going on in jordan's mind. it's easy because he's incredibly readable, and when i search his eyes, one word highlights itself in my mind: indignation. under it, another word writes itself out in small letters: terror.

"hey jordan," ryan waves. how fucking dare he. i swallow a scream.

jordan turns his head away. jasmine looks over from him, to me, as if thinking if she should help either of us. she ends up helping none when jordan faces me again. his eyes flash past me for barely a second, but i manage to catch it. the terror overwriting the indignation, in bold threatening tenancy. my heart sinks.

once again, ryan and brayden and julio push jordan to go against his own will. i'd watched this process too many times. i never knew how far to an extent it would work. i think i have seen it at it's farthest.

he nods and leaves swiftly, dragging jasmine by the arm. she seems reluctant to leave, eyes glued onto me until the very moment she's out of sight.

the transparent shield breaks. a fear rises through me after i witness them defeat jordan, someone i'd grown to respect and admire, to turn against himself with merely two words. their words get to me this time, a direct hit on unprotected skin. "gay", "pansy", "sin" are some of the things i hear. but the consistent word is "jordan". those sentences are the ones that hit me.

i try to wrap my mind around everything, but then i get kicked or stepped on, and all i hear is a piecing sound that shoots through my brain. i try to back up, crawl back onto my feet. my arms catch onto a drain that was barely a feet away from where i was laying. blood escapes a wound almost immediately.

while i'm unable to move, brayden picks up a tiny beer bottle abandoned on the ground. they're all nodding at each other, but i can see the suppressed rage in their eyes, the fury they don't express. this image, specifically brayden shrugging and staring at me with the most enmity i have ever seen in somebody, is the last one i remember before i black out.

thank u for 1k :) -aŁ