happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

TWENTY-FOUR: WILL

about 18 more chapters to this book and we're closing up bois i'm relieves it's finally being concluded -aŁ

30 july 2017

i'd rather be alone than here right now. my surroundings feel like they're drowning, like we're all underwater, dead but alive. i don't have the energy to open my mouth and formulate words, picking at the baked rice in front of me with my spoon in silence. there's a certain sucking force within me which doesn't want me talking, and all i desire is just to be in my bedroom, isolated, in quietness.

but after the whole incident occurred, when the house became a subject under the police's microscope, when just a step into the house led to an deadly wave of intense nausea, i didn't have a choice. i was forced to leave and move into school dorms. an accessible conveniency for everyone to swing by as and when they liked it, an "asset" i fucking hated, especially right now.

right now, having zach, mitchell, sean and liam over to eat some left over chipotle and play video games is far from what i was hoping for. i swear this is all zach's idea, his way of pestering me to tell him what's wrong, to be honest about what i'm feeling. it isn't going to work- not in a million years. i just wonder when he'll get the message and stop trying. because i would never confess to something i'm not even sure of, why should i? when love is such a tangible thing and i will never be able to confirm its existence in my heart, i'm not going to tell someone else about it, not if it will only make it real. secondly, i would lose everything if i told him. he'd hate me for life, detest me, be disgusted at me, and i don't need another person to look at me that way. i already have julio, brayden, ryan and myself. why add to the load?

"is it alright if i head back and do some revision?" i ask. i wait for a response, but soon realise nobody's heard me. they're too engrossed in a match to notice. i repeat my question.

"sure, dude," mitchell responds, "but loosen up, alright? join us after a while."

i nod and leave quickly, abandoning my half eaten chipotle and ignoring a gaze of confusion from liam. i escape into the refuge of my bedroom, collapsing into my bed almost immediately. i pick up a random textbook next to me and flip to a random page to start reading.

i gently place my hand down my shorts and touch my thighs. for a while, i allow myself to trace the scars. they're tiny lines, and one would easily miss it if they didn't know about my habits. in that moment, when blood dripped down my legs onto the tiles of the bathroom floor, is when i finally felt control of the unbearable pain in me. i felt like i could do something, at last, about my inner turmoil. but that was when i was cutting. in instances like now, i only have the marks engraved in my skin to realign my universe. just momentarily. just for a short moment.

and once the lines fail to bring me relief, i will make fresh ones. that's just how my twisted and equally messed up mind works. i know it's wrong, but honestly, what part of my life has gone smoothly and well recently? two wrongs don't make one right, but life had already trapped me in an apartment building and said "jump", so i responded the only way i had the strength to– "how high?".

the door creaks open after a few knocks. it's liam. he smiles kindly at me before taking a seat on my desk chair, maneuvering it swiftly next to my bed. there's a long pause as he peers over and reads a few lines of the textbook, but it's comfortable silence, so i don't break it.

"i was getting bored. sean just wins everything," he sighs, leaning further into the desk chair. i chuckle a little– it's forced, and i think he notices, "whatcha studying?"

"oh, i don't really know. i just wasn't in the mood for games," i shrug. and it's a half truth, not entirely a lie. i put the book down and instead pull a blanket over my folded legs.