happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

THIRTY-FIVE: JORDAN

20 august 2017

i knock.

nobody answers at first. i fold my arms across my chest, a sign of discomfort masked as an attempt to retain warmth. not like will would believe it, anyway.

the door opens with a slow, hesitant push. he stares at me dubiously, inspecting me like a test subject. his white knuckles clutch the doorknob. my hands stay buried underneath the long sleeves of my jacket. i don't know what would happen if i let them act by instinct, whether they would wrap around his neck with the correct intent.

"can i come in?" i ask in the the most nonchalant manner i can manage.

he does not reply. rather, he steps aside and walks inside to guide me in. inside, he situates himself on a single couch chair. i sit directly opposite on the empty one.

"why are you here?" will questions, fingers tapping on the armrest.

"to talk. to you," i hesitate, trying to figure out what he is feeling. his blank stare gives away nothing, but his swollen, red-rimmed eyes do. i swallow, "you know what i'm talking about."

he shakes his head, "nobody has told me about anything that's going on."

my eyes narrow to slits. he gestures towards the kitchen with his head, "you want anything? water, maybe?"

"you don't need to act hospitable about this," i spit, "drop the act."

will chuckles a little, as if entertained by my spiteful words sparked from a short temper. again, i realise why i can never understand will. his emotions are clearly printed on his face in his eyes, but his demeanour cannot be more contrasting.

"tell me what you've heard, then," he rests his head in his palm, "because nobody else has the courtesy to."

"zach told me something about you," i admit. there is a pause as he waits for me to continue. he notices i am awaiting a response.

"and let me guess, you can't tell me what it is?" he says and i nod. his nose wrinkles as he sniffles, "then why are you here?"

"because i heard a different story," i watch his finger tap. up and down. up and down. i clear my throat, "jasmine told me what happened at denny's."

he tenses up at this. no answer ensues, although his lips part slightly. his finger rests stiffly on the cushion.

"so the zach thing aside, what happened that day?" i lean in closer to him, observing his reaction. he only stares back. we are left in a standstill for what seems like an eternity, as the clock ticks, each sound a grandiose announcement.

"will, come on," without thinking, i grab will's hands in mine, encapsulating it between my palms, "stop hiding. let me in. at least this once. please."

seeing will unrelentingly opening and closing his mouth with no words falling out, i see his defense crumbling. after all this time, he is finally opening up. the only other time he'd been this vulnerable was when i disappointed him beyond belief under the violence of my friends. i can't bear to let him down again. i can't bear to look at him in that state.

"stand up," i mutter.

"what?"

"please, just stand up," i plead, a crack in my voice catching him off guard. i get up myself. he bites his lip nervously, following suit.

and suddenly, i lunge forward, almost falling from the numbness of my legs. my arms are awkwardly around him, encircling him into an embrace. his stay limp at his side. his body tenses, unwelcoming and cold, but i do not stop.