happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

THIRTY-FOUR: JORDAN

19 august 2017

the thickened tension between us dissipates as my face of confusion loosens. the phone conversation distorts in my vision, a yearning in me grasping for an answer, for closure. what happened when will deliberately scrolled up to that message, pressed long enough before clicking the trash icon? what was running through his mind? why?

"so..." jasmine begins, an awkward yet relieved grin toiling at her lips.

"so?" i prompt. her gaze meets mine, and a full mischievous smile takes form. 

"you like him?" she teases, voice lifted to a high pitch to mock me like we're in middle school, gossiping about our crushes.

"i... um," i pause, not knowing how to start.

"oh come on, no need to be shy," she says, anticipation gleaming in her eyes, "tell me about your little crush."

the sight of her pure excitement for my interest in will makes me crack a smile. even though the nagging desire to seek the truth still tugs at my mind, a childish innocence blinds my vision. for a second, this is merely a tiny crush on the cute boy next door.

"you know what, maybe i do," a weight falls off my shoulders. i didn't even know this burden had been crushing me until that second. a bird chirps from the window in the corner of my eye, fluttering with zeal this time.

"atta boy!" she says, stretching out her hand with so much excitement it seems jerky, gesturing to the door, "well then."

"what?"

"what are you waiting for? go!" she smiles even wider. did i step over the line by admitting that i like will, despite this whole mess? i open my mouth to apologise.

"no, dumbass, go, be gay!" she cuts me off immediately at my troubled look.

"oh..." a chuckle from my own lips surprise me, "oh!"

"i'll be moral support, ok?" she walks over to me, holding her hand up to lift me from the couch. i accept it gracefully. she tightens the grip around my hand, "go talk to him; find out what's really happened. and if he's not as bad as you thought he was, take the leap. 'cause with your dashing good looks, you've totally got this."

if i had imagined this scenario in my head beforehand, i would have assumed jasmine to look broken. shattered. a facade over her broken heart. but seeing her right before me, her eyes are gleaming with expectation, a glowing light of pure excitement. she no longer has hopes to date me; she has hopes for me.

and maybe that's just enough. enough for her to pick herself back up from that fateful day she came in drunk into my home. enough for her to move on.

"thank you," i murmur. truthfully, sincerely, "thank you so much."

—

the sound of crickets prickle the air as wind blows through my opened window, dying embers of the setting sun casting its last shadow on my table. i play with the pencil in my hand, twirling it in circles, staring at the blur of yellow and black as it spins. my hands tire after a while.

i want to ask will how he is. i want to check in with him about what really happened that day he was at denny's, and what he's truly been doing behind-the-scenes with zach. but i don't know how.

my phone next to me buzzes. it is brayden. i quickly clear the message notification before i get the chance to read it.

could will really have pulled such a cruel trick? to manipulate and trap his own friend for his gain? i knew he was capable of it, but i trusted the small kid in him not to. why would he do such a thing, anyway?

a seething frustration brims to its maximum. i glance over at the packet of cigarettes laying on my table. reaching out to take one, i force myself to stop midway, my arm dangling in the air just an inch away from it.

i can't smoke now. or drink, or go to a party. it's all i have been doing since zach called me. if i start again, i won't be able to stop. and i won't be able to muster the courage to confront will.

my hand retracts and i fold my arms. a breeze blows through my window and i watch the curtains flutter. is will staring at the same moon right now? i blink at the blazing white silhouette.

my muddled up thoughts disperse and for a second, i find clarity in one thought: either zach or will is lying to me, and although i trust zach, i am still very much infatuated with will. to truly find out if i have been falling for will's deceptions, i have only one option.

no texting, no calling, no screens. i have to meet will in person.