happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

THIRTY-NINE: WILL

24 august 2017

the sun seems to shine too bright on a day like this. the petals of the peonies glisten, wrapped in a bouquet along with pink carnations and sprinkled bits of larkspur. mitchell had a surprisingly extensive knowledge about flowers: peonies for healing, pink carnations for gratitude, and larkspur to symbolise her beautiful spirit.

jordan puts an affirmative arm on my shoulder, squeezing it. i look over to the gravestone in front of us. it is slightly worn out, streaks of darkened grey formed on the stone. the edges are rounded from the rain over the past year.

"we'll wait for you outside, ok?" jordan says. i nod towards all of them and watch as jordan, mitchell, sean and liam leave quietly.

i have not talked to bianca before. i could never bring myself to face her gravestone, except on that day exactly a year after her death, when i placed a single lily down  before sprinting out of the cemetery, choked by guilt.

kneeling down on one knee, i gently place the bouquet next to her gravestone. for a moment, i let myself smile at the memory of her when things were good. i let go of the flowers.

"hey, how are you up there?" i say awkwardly, feeling strange that i am alone, "i hope it's better, what you wanted it to be. it's funny, back then, i always thought i'd be the one to go first and leave you behind. but... i hope that at least you are at peace now."

slowly, i feel like i am actually talking to someone. like someone is listening. my smile fades with the words i say next, "brayden was charged with your murder today. he'll be behind bars for many years. and... i just can't believe it, y'know? i'm still in shock. this whole time your killer was crawling right under my skin, the one who beat me up for it. ironic, isn't it?"

i sigh, "you were such a lovely person, that even the cause of your departure was because someone loved you... too much. you had so much to live for, so much loving left to do... i'm sorry the one you fell in love with turned out to be gay. i hope you know how much i still care for you. you were my best friend, but i didn't treat you right."

"so i want to say... i'm sorry. i'm sorry for letting this happen to you. it's my fault that i took so long to fight my internal struggle. it was about so many things... my sexuality, who i love, who i don't. and i was so lost in myself that i forgot i was affecting people around me," i pause, "i forgot that i was hurting you. i'll always regret that."

i swallow. i was getting lost in my train of thought as my eyes prickle with tears. before i am overwhelmed with remorse, i switch the subject.

"after brayden's arrest, i think i am finally ready to move on. or try to, at least. are you happier, now that i'm making progress getting over your departure?" i think of an answer for a while, wiping the dirt off the words engraved in the marble, "i know no matter what, you'd have told me to move on and be happy. that's what you always said, to forgive your past mistakes and learn from them, rather than dwell on them."

"and i think i'm on my way to doing that," i offer a flicker of a smile, "i know you never liked jordan, because it felt like he was stealing me away. but, give him a chance, maybe? because i think i've found my second chance in him. it's been a really rough journey. i considered... doing something i'm not proud of. almost, though. i'm glad i'm still here. i'm glad my mother kept me on the ground."

"now i have people to support me through everything that's happening. liam, mitchell, sean... then there's jordan, my boyfriend. god, i shouldn't be gushing, especially to you. but jeez, i think i can see something happening with jordan. just.. something about him. i haven't dated him for long, but it feels like it's been forever. he makes me so happy, and that's something i really need, with everything that's happening," i can't help but smile.

"i want to thank you for that, actually. you taught me how to love someone, and you set the model of how a partner should be like. you were perfect but i couldn't appreciate it. so thank you for teaching me... how to love. how i should have loved. now i can make use of it and love someone else," i bite back my widening grin, "shit... i'm in love, possibly again. and you taught me how to handle it, bianca."

her name stings my tongue, but it tastes sweet, almost like how after everything, i have finally been forgiven. warmth washes through my body.

"thank you. i don't think anybody could ever replace you and what you've done for me. you picked me up when i was upset. you helped me with all those little menial tasks i was embarrassed about. you pushed me through hard times and accompanied me to push my boundaries. romantic or not, i know you are still the first person i ever loved," i say confidently, "i wish i could take back all the hurt i put you through, but i know you're resting in peace now and nothing can hurt you anymore. it's what you deserve. i promise to continue living and loving for you as much as i am for me. thank you, bianca... thank you for blessing me with your presence in my life."

a part of my spirit is left behind as i remove my hand from the gravestone and stand up. i have to tear my eyes away from the sight of bianca's resting place, not because i am about to cry, but because the warmth rushing through me feels comfortable.

yet, i know i can't stay forever.

jordan's assuring grin quells my worries. liam, mitchell and sean stand behind him, all with their own unique faces of encouragement. i feel at home.

"hey, jordan," i break the comfortable silence. he looks over at me curiously, and i smirk, "i think i owe you a fifty."

"do you?" jordan is genuinely puzzled.

"don't tell me you forgot," i deadpan, "way before, when you gave me that drawing of a hippo, you remember that stupid bet we made?"

his eyes light up, "i won?"

"you won," i nod with a hint of a smile. he throws his fists up in the air while the rest of them side-glance each other in confusion, "sorry liam, i beat you in the last chemistry test, didn't i?"

"you idiots really bet about that?!" liam playfully scolds. we all chuckle. amidst our laughing fit, i gaze at jordan's dimply grin and my heart flutters, and i fall a little further.

back then, i had always prided myself in having an unrelenting faith in others. and i guess when even i lost belief in myself, jordan was the only one left who hadn't.