happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

↬ chat

24 july 2017

nadroj: hey, can we talk? i don't really know how to start, or what to say at all.. but i just feel like i NEED to talk to you, y'know?

willy wonka: it's about damn time

nadroj: i know... i know

nadroj: i'm fucking stupid and weak that even i'm ashamed of myself

nadroj: look, i sound way to insincere just having this conversation over text. can i meet you in person?

willy wonka: uhh no thanks

nadroj: then can i call you?

willy wonka is typing...

nadroj: please?

willy wonka is typing...

willy wonka: fine

—

0:00
"will! thank god, you answered. i honestly don't know if i could live with myself knowing i didn't say anything after... everything."

0:12
"just keep it short, jordan, it's 11pm."

0:19
"look.. i just don't know where to start.. because everything's been so fucked up lately and.. i know i owe you an apology, trust me. but i don't know how to put it and.. god, this is hard."

0:35
"still as stubborn as the first time we met, huh? you can just say you're sorry, y'know?"

0:47
"fine. you got me. i'm sorry. i'm really, really sorry. and.. i have no excuse for what i did. i was just stupid and scared and weak. but it's no excuse. and ultimately you were still hurt and.. fuck. fuck! i didn't do shit to change it and that was so fucking stupid."

1:18
"if you were in the same position again, if you walked by the assholes you call friends beating the shit out of me tomorrow, would you change your reaction?"

1:31
"i..."

1:45
"so explain to me, jordan, why the fuck i would even think about forgiving you if you aren't even willing to fix your mistakes?"

2:01
"ever depended on someone so much, so fucking much, that your whole life is built up on everything they say? as in, one sentence that comes out of their mouth can crash your entire world, and it's toxic enough as it is. but you can't get out, because you know that if you detach yourself now, you can't live with yourself. you have nothing left."

2:39
"yes. yes, i have. look, i know you're sad about this too, and i know it's not your fault for having cunts for friends. but for fuck's sake, you're not the victim here, are you?"

2:56
"i'm sorry.. jesus, i'm just a mess. i'm sorry, you're right. i wouldn't even know how to feel if i were you. and it's my fault. i'll admit it: i'm weak and cowardly and i don't have the guts to admit i'm wrong. i owe it to you to say i'm genuinely so sorry for what i put you through. i shouldn't have just watched, i could have done anything to at least give you a chance to run. it was so fucking shameful of me to walk away. i don't know what i was thinking. and... i know you don't want to talk to me right now, or probably ever, so–"

3:23
"i didn't say that."

3:27
"what?"

3:28
"i didn't say i didn't want to talk to you. i never did."

3:31
"but i thought.."

3:34
"you want me to be honest? ever since we started talking again, i never hated you. i never wanted you to get the hell out of my life or for you to disappear. i always wanted you to stay, and christ, i still do. i don't know when you ever got the memo i didn't."

4:05
"with everything that's happened between us.. i just assumed you hated me."

4:18
"i never wanted to hate you, y'know? it was never, never my intention to purposely tell myself i hated you. you know what i mean? i always tried my damn hardest to find the best parts of you and focus on it, instead of the bad parts, right? and it worked for a long ass time, until that incident changed my whole perception. but i still don't want to hate you, and i'm still trying to find a way not to."

4:39
"but.. why?"

4:42
"i... i don't fucking know? why do you keep apologizing again and again? why did you even try to reach out to me when zach so-called 'introduced' you to me?"

5:27
"... god, i don't know either."

5:34
"can i ask you a question about us, actually?"

5:37
"does that mean i'm forgiven?"

5:41
"has there been any instance in which you said sorry to me and i said no?"

5:48
"no.."

5:51
"exactly. now can i ask?"

5:56
"ok."

6:00
"what happened that evening you kissed me?"

6:15
"i... uh.. i don't know. it was just.. all in the moment, y'know? god, it's been so long and this conversation is so overdue... but i've forgotten, honestly. i'm sorry."

6:49
"that's fine. i needed to get that confusion off my chest. i got to go now, though. is that cool?"

6:58
"that's fine. i'll see you tomorrow? can i talk to you?"

7:04
"i'll come up to you if i'm ok with it."

7:08
"ok. good night, will. and thanks again."

7:12
"night, himbo."