Wanderlust

{2}

The simplest way to put it is I've been happier than I have been in a long time recently but I still don't feel 100% okay. My mum told my school that since she took me out I've been happier and an all around different person because I'm not surrounded by people that I don't want to be around, I'm in my own company and I like it that way. I like being alone, simple. And yeah that's all true but I still feel lost in my mind.

I sit on the floor of my bedroom drowning in my thoughts because I don't know how and if I can escape them.

They're things that are happening around me that are out of my control and I feel pressured to help to everyone, but still not get in the way.

I had a dream last night, about my grandad who passed away a few years back. We were in this white empty space and as I turned around he was stood behind me. I hugged him and he told me that he watches over me and he knows what im forcing myself to do. He said he is better now and that everything will sort itself out in time. But after he'd finished speaking his face just looked drained and pale, and after that I woke up in tears. I didn't get anymore sleep. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to see him again.

I do believe my grandad though. I think everything will eventually be fine and I'm just hoping its soon because I'm so emotionally drained that I don't know how much more drama and confusion I can handle.

I want to stop feeling like I have to make myself useful in every situation but I can't. I've been brought up that way. It's drilled into my head that I have to be there to help people no matter what I'm going through. And thats one of the thoughts I can't escape from.
I want to run but I'm frozen in my head.
I want to leave this mind set but I'm stuck.
I need help but I can't ask for it.
I don't know what to do anymore.
The more I hide the worse it's gets.
I'm lost.
I need finding.
I need to stop the voices in my head but I can't. And it makes me sound crazy saying 'voices in my head' but they're always there. Not saying anything, But making them selves known.
I'm trapped in a small space with all these thoughts and no matter how hard I try...
I can't escape.
I can't run.
I can't hide.

Sorry this was long. You can completely ignore this if you want. You can ignore this whole book if you want. I don't want attention, I just want somewhere I can write my thoughts.