What If

Chapter Seventeen:

Katniss

Days in the bunker go by slower than ever. There are several more rounds of crazy cat, more conversations with Prim, tying knots with Finnick, and, of course, worrying about Peeta.

One another one of these boring days, I notice Boggs making his way over to our section. I instantly jump to my feet to greet him.

"You're needed above ground. Don't worry, they've cleared it, it's safe," he assured me. At this point, I didn't care. If I thought our normal part of Thirteen was stuffy, this was worse than ever.

He led me up the stairs and to an office which I assumed had been make a makeshift command room. There sat Finnick and Gale. As I sat down serval more people started filing in, including Haymitch, Plutarch, my camera crew, and Coin.

"We need to film a propo to show that the mockingjay is alive and well," Coin said, matter-of-factly. "Any questions?"

Silence.

"Can we get some coffee?" Plutarch asked, nearly pleading. Capitol people.

Despite the ridiculous request, moments later cups of the steamy liquid are distributed to each of us.

I hadn't had much coffee in my life, maybe once. I remember the day vividly. My father had brought it home one day for my mother as a gift. We had all tried a sip, and all I remember was a bitter taste.

"Sugar cube?" Finnick asked in his old seductive voice from when we first met. I laughed a bit and accepted his sugar cube.

Gale glared at us, which caused me to role my eyes. Was he seriously becoming jealous of Finnick?

After the coffee was finished (I avoided mine as it bore the same bitter taste that I remembered) I was escorted to my prep team.

I was caked with makeup and my hair was braided back before they pulled my mockingjay suit out, which was still breathtaking.

"We had to make it larger to accommodate the baby," Flavius explained as they helped me into the suit.

"Thanks," I whispered. I was barely able to think about the baby right now as it led to thinking about Peeta, which made me fall apart. "Are we almost done?"

I was given finishing touches before being escorted to the open area of District Thirteen. The ground was littered with craters, but the old Justice Building remained untouched. That was where everyone had begun to gather.

"How much time did the boy gives us?" I overheard Haymitch ask Plutarch.

"Coin said around ten minutes before their systems would have detected it," Plutarch responded. "We got a lot of extra lives into the bunkers because of his warning."

Like Prim and Gale's.

Cressida smiled as she saw me and positioned me in front of the ruins. "Alright, Katniss. The line is: 'District Thirteen is alive and well and so am I.'"

I nodded and desperately tried to look put together, maybe even brace. But I knew I wasn't successful, so I just focused on saying the line, hoping it could get me warmed up.

"Thirteen is alive and w-well and so am—" I started before it hit me. I froze, terror overtaking me. My eyes widened and a silent scream escaped the back of my throat. I started sinking down to my knees.

"What's happened to her?" Gale demanded.

"Cut!"

"She's figured out how they're using Peeta."

I shook my head and broke out in sobs. "I'm cashing it! I'm—I'm doing these props and-and he's getting b-beaten! I can't be the mockingjay anymore...."

I probably could've received hugs and lots of support by those around me, but I only sought out one person—Haymitch, because he loved Peeta, too.

Haymitch made his way over to me and helped me stand. He escorted me away from the others. "It's okay, sweetheart."

It wasn't okay. Peeta was being beat and tortured and potentially killed. There was a chance he'd never get to meet his baby. And here I was, the one causing his pain.

"Hay-haymitch, I can't be the mockingjay. He'll be t-tortured," I stuttered. Surely Peeta's figured it out as well. Is he blaming me for his suffering, growing to resent me? If he's ever somehow miraculously rescued, will he blame me for his pain?

"It'll be okay," Haymitch replied.

"It won't," I whispered as Haymitch helped me back into the underground of Thirteen.

As we walked I didn't focus, I could only focus on Peeta. He was probably being tortured at this very instant because of my propo and because of him trying to save my life. The thought of being the mockingjay anymore made me sick. I couldn't do it while they had Peeta in their possession.

They won't kill him. They won't kill him. They won't kill him. They won't kill him. They won't kill him. They won't kill him. They won't kill him. They won't kill him. I repeated this in my head to calm myself down a bit, but I didn't believe myself.

I must be hysterical as soon I'm lead to a hospital room. Before I could object I was poked with a needle and knocked out, the last thing I remember being the doctors shushing me.

I awoke with no nightmares, but I still felt vulnerable and terrible. I saw Haymitch was still besides me, and he was clearly agitated.

"How king have you been here?" I asked, my voice hoarse. He didn't reply. "Haymitch, I can't shoot the propo. I can't—they'll hurt him. They'll kill him, Haymitch."

Haymitch sighed. "They're sending a rescue team to to the capitol today. They're going to rescue Peeta and all of the other victors."

Relied flooded my body for a moment before it was replaced with worry. "I have to go with them, I have to help—"

Haymitch shook his head. "They've already left. There's no way you could catch up. Besides, there's no way you'd be of any use in your condition."

For some reason, I knew he wasn't referring to my pregnancy but to my hysteria.

"Who went?" I asked eagerly.

"Well, it was volunteer only," Haymitch explained.

Then it hit me. I shook my head. "No—Gale?"

Haymitch nodded.

Tears flooded my eyes. How could Gale leave me all alone here? My closest friend in the world had volunteered to a potential suicide mission.

"I need to help," I blurted out.

"You can help by staying here. Now get some rest."

I could lose them both today.

"Haymitch, please," I begged as he stood up and headed towards the door. "Please! Let me help! Haymitch, PLEASE! PLEASE!"

I screamed until my voice went hoarse. By then, Haymitch was already gone. And with that, I was promptly knocked out again.