worst in me | joe keery (1)

38 : anxiety and other emotions

Valoria stifled a yawn as she pulled up into her driveway and parked her car, stepping out and escaping to her home. She was, to put it simply, absolutely exausted.

Working on set with Shadowhunters was an absolute dream, however her role required more afternoon and late night shoots over morning ones. Her role also required her to be there two hours early, her makeup taking precision and her hair needing a lot of extensions and work to perfect.

She unlocked the door to her home as quietly as possible, stepping inside with tip toes as she escaped to her bedroom. Once inside the quiet of her room, she slipped off her clothes and exchanged them for an oversized shirt she found on the floor, putting it on and then laying down with her phone in hand.

Valoria hadn't checked her social media all day, so that immediately became a first to do. She began with her Twitter, responding to a few fans who were extremely positive with the bit of behind the scenes photos that the Shadowhunters account posted, before proceeding to Instagram with a small sigh.

Before her Giovanna drama, Valoria would entire one quarter of her comments being hate. She would barely even acknowledge it anyway, seeing as the positive fans and her friends' comments constantly overshadowed it. Recently, however, her hate comments had grown to more than half the comments. She scrolled through her latest post, a repost from the Shadowhunters account, and let out a small sigh as she read all the negativity.

Valoria disabled the comments with another small sigh, this post being the tenth where her comments were disabled. She attempted to hide the way it got to her, but the brunette couldn't help but sit up in bed and let out a shaky breath, the anxiety and sadness building in her chest. She hadn't feeling helpless, she hated the feeling that built in her chest when she remembered the fact that she will now always be known as 'the former alcoholic'.

She laid back down, burying her head in her pillow and tugging her blanket tightly around her. She could feel an anxiety attack rising in her chest, something she hadn't had for weeks now. Usually, she had someone calming her but now, at twelve AM, she knew she had no one. Instead, she let the tears and sobs rack her body, the attacking coming to her and shaking her entire body.

Valoria, in all honesty, was falling apart. She refused to show anyone, she refused to let anyone in to the point where they knew, choosing to bottle everything inside and now it was coming to bite her in the ass.

She buried her face into her pillow, allowing the fabric to soak up the tears that leaked from her eyes as she tugged on the fabric of her bedspread in a frustrated and sad fury. She didn't know what to do most of the time, she never knew what to say to anyone or how to act. Although Giovanna was blocked on all social media, she could still feel her old best friend was going to come back, was going to do something. Even at home, where she had spoken to her mom and cleared the air, she still felt the tension build when Finn was absent from her.

Valoria was finally in a place with the press where she was chill with them, in articles on her upcoming role, her relationship with Joe, and even her and Finn's days out. Her alcoholism stopped being her main focus, but the brunette knew that her alcoholism was what was on everyone's mind. She knew that she was now known to the world as an alcoholic because her former friend had to leak it all away for a few minutes in the spotlight.

Eventually, Valoria could feel the tears drying and the sobs coming to end, sitting up to wipe vigorously at her face as her louder sobs turned into small hiccups. She took in deep breathes, calming herself down. These small episodes had become nightly occurances, her coming home from shoots only to break down.

Valoria really couldn't handle the spotlight, but she knew she could never tell anyone. She had just booked a role that she loved, and auditioned for four more roles that she felt she could do. She was dating someone she was truly falling in love with, and her brother had just begun his career.

She leaned back against the headboard of the bed, her eyes shut as she let out a loud sigh. She was exausted with everything she was doing to herself, and she had no way to solve it.

She picked her phone up from where she tossed it aside, pulling it into the charger. As she did this, she heard her bedroom door open and Finn's head pop through, a pillow in hand. He walked in wordlessly, shutting the door gently behind him as Valoria laid down on the bed and curled her feet up. Finn placed his pillow beside hers and laid down, climbing in the bed beside her. "I hear you, you know that?"

Finn's voice came out in a low whisper, and Valoria turned to face him, an unreadable expression on her face as she let out a tired sigh. "I didn't want you to hear, though."

Finn let out a small yawn, shaking his head slightly. "I've heard you crying everyday for the past week, and although you probably didn't want me to, I told Joe. He and I know, and Natalia knows something's up."

He let out a low breath, "Why don't you tell us when you're hurting?"

Valoria shut her eyes, attempting to maintain her emotions. "You don't deserve my burden," she said, reopening her eyes and giving her brother a sad smile. "I've told you, and Joe for that matter, the same thing: I'm a mess and I always will be one. I can't give people my issues or show them the inside because that brings out the bad, it brings out the wrong."

"Can you at least tell me why? Why you're hurting?"

The older Wolfhard gave Finn another sad smile. "Turns out I'm not ready for the media. I'm not ready for the hate, the judgement, or anything of that matter. I can't stand what Giovanna did and it ruined me."

With that last sentence, she bid Finn a good night and turned away, fluttering her eyes shut and forcing herself into a restless night of sleep and negative thoughts.