DIRTY LAUNDRY

25

I admit I miss seeing your face, babe
Being alone is starting to take its toll •

"Alex, please don't cry, you didn't do anything wrong. Baby..." Jack was lying behind me, hugging me and consoling me. My eyes were red and puffy from crying because of the dinner incident with his dad. Everyone witnessed it and there's no going back.

"Everyone was staring at us, at me...it was humiliating. I'm sorry Jack." I apologized for the tenth time that evening.

"Alex, they were staring at him... Or maybe you didn't hear the awful things he was saying." He replied. "And stop fucking apologizing, it's not your fault. I've had it with dad. If he wants to act like an asshole, I'll just let him be one in peace, alone. Pathetic old man." He scoffed.

"Fuck. I feel so terrible right now." I sighed. "I think I'm gonna visit mom for New Year, you're welcome to come along." I said. I realized my tone wasn't too inviting but all that has happened since I met Jack has taken its toll on me and there were just too many things to process. I needed to get away for at least a few days.

"I understand that this is too much to handle at times, but why do I think you don't really want me to come with you?" He asked. I turned around and looked at him. "Because it's true." He mumbled. Then he got up and put his sweater on.

"Where are you going? It's late." I asked curiously.

"Out." He opened the door and looked back at me. "I'm sorry, I just need to clear my head. Don't wait up."
After that he walked out, closing the door. I don't think I've ever felt worse. Burying my face into the pillow I considered my options; if I go after him, I'm certain things will get worse. I picked up the phone and called mom. I needed to hear her voice.

I told her everything and she felt bad for me but when she heard I wanted to come alone, she became worried. I tried explaining but I broke down crying instead. It seemed like a never-ending hotel hallway in a nightmare. I wanted to exit but there was none.

I was absolutely clueless about dealing with the situation.

🌹

Days passed, it was the last day of December and I was getting ready to get out of bed and join my family downstairs. Checking the clock, I saw it was only 5pm and that I've spent the whole day in bed, covered up to my neck, watching South Park. I was lifeless. Me and Jack haven't spoken much since that evening. We each slept in our own bed, most time we spent together was when we went grocery shopping and even then we only said a few words to each other. Before I went home, Jack just sat there on his bed, watching me pack my bag. He didn't even try to stop me and I must admit that my will to live and be in this relationship died a bit that day.

"Sweetheart?" I heard mom say and knock on my door.

"Yeah." I said. She opened the door and peeked inside.

"Jesus, it smells in here, you could've at least opened a window." She walked over to it and did it instead. "Honey, you can't stay in here forever, come down, I'll make us some coffee."

She was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me. "Still nothing?" I knew she was referring to Jack calling or texting me. I shook my head.

"He doesn't care. He didn't even try to talk me out of going, or at least going alone." I huffed.

"Maybe he was just giving you space, he understands that you need some time alone." She said.

"But he said nothing. He just kept looking at me. I don't see how this will work, I brought way too many problems with me. Before we met, his family wasn't so torn apart, now they're all arguing and what makes it even worse is that his sister's wedding is coming up." I complained.

"Alex please, this is stupid. It's not your fault Jack likes boys, you didn't make him! I'm not listening to any more of this nonsense. If it weren't you, it would eventually be someone else; Definitely." She told me. "Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, everything will be fine as long as you stop sulking in here. Freshen up, come down, coffee will be waiting." She ordered.

"Mmmhm, alright." I gave in and slowly but surely got out of bed. She went back downstairs and I literally dragged my ass to the bathroom. When I looked into the mirror I saw someone I barely recognized. My hair was a complete mess but that wasn't the problem. Dark circles under my eyes seemed never-ending. I looked as if all the life has been drained from me. My pale skin made me look sick and my lips were red and chapped. First I let the water run, then I splashed some on my face. I combed my hair but it wasn't cooperating so I just took a thin beanie from the drawer and put it on. I changed from my torn shirt into the first black tee I grabbed from the closet and pulled up some black sweats; I was in no mood for any kind of jeans.

When I stepped into the living room I saw a cup of coffee already waiting for me on the table. Oli was lying in his bed and mom was sitting on the couch.

She grinned when I sat down next to her. "There we go. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

I shook my head and picked up the mug, taking a tiny sip. "I'm sorry mom, I know how much you enjoy the winter holidays, I just... I feel really..."

"Shitty? Like it's your fault? Like you gave up on everything but at the same time you think that it's really that other person that gave up on you?" She asked and I just looked at her. Yes, mom, in a nutshell. "Yeah, I know the feeling."

"I'm..." I started.

"Don't be. I noticed you and I are sorry for the things that were never our fault in the first place." She was right. "You know, when your father left, I was beating myself up every day, wondering; was it me that drove him away, is my child gonna have to grow up without a father because of me, all kinds of things. Mom and dad really helped me figure all this out and we made sure that there is at least one male figure in your life." She confessed.

"I know, you guys were always so amazing, you know that I'm thankful for everything every day, right?" I said.

"I do. But I see you're picking up this pattern; you care about everything and everyone in your life, sometimes a bit too much, if you know what I mean." She took a sip of coffee. " Alex, I don't want you to make the same mistakes, don't assume too quickly, so you won't regret things in the end. I know how much you love Jack, don't give up." She put her hand in mine. "Talk to him when you get back, I'm 100% sure his intentions don't include letting you go."

I have to admit she had a point. It meant a lot to me that she always found a way to help me, after all, she knows me best.

"Now how about we turn this frown upside down and try to be at least a bit festive?" Her arm was resting on my shoulders and I showed a little smile.

"There you go." She grinned.

Three hours later we were at the house of our grandparents, watching some movie on TV when I decided to actually take my mother's advice this time. I pulled the cellphone out of my pocket and wrote a text to Jack.

"Happy new year! Wishing you were here with me."

It was our first new year and we weren't even together. I missed him.
I pressed send and waited.