DIRTY LAUNDRY

29

You've taken so much with you,
but left the worst with me •

"Come on, it's just a little pill." He said. "I promise you'll have a blast."
I hesitated when he put a small blue pill in my palm. I was staring at it, scared shitless. Who knows what could happen, everyone reacts differently. I looked up, my gaze locking with his. I didn't want to disappoint him.
"For me?" He pouted and gave me his best puppy eyes. I eventually gave in, thinking 'what the hell, it's just one, it won't hurt'
And I was right. It didn't hurt; not the first, second, third time, then I stopped counting. I never told anyone, even hid it so well I fooled mom. That was the only thing I hid from the world. Then I stopped, I became so transparent, I couldn't even tell a little white lie.

"Alex." I heard Jack's voice echoing in my head. I snapped out and looked at him.

"Yeah?" I promised to be strong for him and I have been doing just that. Besides, that pill thing was years ago; high school, freshman year.

"You okay? You look distracted." He was right, I was, but I wanted to find a way to help solve this New Year's Eve incident.

"Just thinking, you know; about everything that's been going on. Does it ever end?" I asked.

He fixed his hair and looked at me. "Hey, I know it's been crazy, but we'll get through it, we've come a long way." He started. "I mean look at all this shit we dealt with, can't lose hope now."

I sighed and grinned. "Yeah? I know you're right, I just need to let it out of my system."

"I know. Now come here. We still have an hour." He chuckled and stuck his hand out. I took it and threw myself on the bed right next to him. We were meeting his mom for coffee later.

"I love you Jack." I said and cuddled up to him.

"Love you more." He whispered.
He was the one who I almost lost, he spent three days in the hospital, yet I was the vulnerable one. Life has only tested me as brutally once before. I managed to repress everything until all this happened. It kept coming back to me; flashbacks I wanted to erase.

"Holy shit, I'm so fucking high. Whaaaat!" I was tripping. I've never smoked weed after taking one, or two, I don't remember. We were lying on the floor of his room, faces just a few inches apart. He was looking at me with his eyes half closed, grinning like an idiot.
"Fuck, I'm so happy you're mine." He said and took another puff, passing me the joint. After taking a hit I put it out. I just smiled back as a response and he rolled to his side and pressed his lips on mine. All I could feel in that lightheadedness was his tongue slowly sliding into my mouth. I gave in, my hands lazily going up and down his back. He was on top, grinding on me and it was perfect. It was all perfect; the best fuck I've had till then, hottest kisses and touching, it was all good.
Until I woke up one morning to him shaking. He was having a seizure, slipping away slowly and if I hadn't pushed my fingers into his mouth, he would've died. I didn't care about the vomit that was all over me, I just wanted for him to get better, wondering why we can't be together without all this hazy shit.

"Ahh!" I lifted myself up, gasping for air. Hyperventilating, I crawled out of bed in desperate need of water. Jack wasn't there; must've gone to the bathroom. I took a glass from the sink and poured some cold water. Gulping it down like it's my last glass I slid down to the floor, burying my face into my knees, hugging my legs.

"Fuck!" I muttered to myself. I never realized all these memories would surface after what happened to Jack. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Maybe I should go see him? I haven't heard from him for about two years now. Last time we spoke was when I went to visit him at the clinic; he was doing good. Then he stopped calling, he wouldn't take any of my calls. I needed to see him and what's more important; tell Jack about him, about what I was doing back then.
I started feeling anxious just by the thought of talking to him about that. I know it's Jack, but still.
I took a deep breath and leaned my head back on the wall.
Fucking fuck.

"Come on, mom's picking us up in 5." Jack said. We were getting ready to go and I was unusually quiet. I was trying to figure out a way to start. "Alex? Everything okay? You've been acting strange all day."

I nervously smiled and took a seat on the edge of my bed. "Uhm, I need to tell you something. Promise me you won't judge me, please." I said.

He dragged a chair and took a seat in front of me. "I promise."

"I, uhm... I was once involved with a guy, and uhm, he had a problem." I started, my voice shaky. I was beyond nervous.

"Okay, go on." He encouraged me.

"He was doing drugs, pills and weed... you know, stuff like that. I had some sort of liking for him and he sucked me in. Nobody knows, not even my mom, which is why you have to promise you'll never tell anyone." I told him.

His face expression stayed the same. It was a bit surprising, I mean I must've shaken him a little bit but he didn't react that way. "Is everything okay now?" He just asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I stopped on my own, very soon after I started. He didn't. I found him unconscious one morning, he was having a seizure and I needed to forcefully make him puke. It was horrible. I checked him into rehab after that." I continued.

"Jesus, Alex. Come here." He said, leaning closer. He pulled me into a huh. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that... and now this with me..." He started apologizing but I wouldn't let him.

"No, don't. Please, it's not your fault. You're nothing like him, he was self-harming, he had a death wish, really. You're different. You could never be like him." I assured him.

"I'm still sorry that you went through so much shit with me." He said. His eyes were looking into mine.

"And I'd do it again. For you I would." I said. And I meant it.

"So how is he doing now?" He asked.

"I don't know. Last I heard he was living at home, doing alright. It was two years ago." I replied.

"Do you wanna go see him?" He asked again. I was afraid of that question.

"I don't know, maybe." I admitted.

"If you want to, I can accompany you." He offered. It was very sweet of him.

"I appreciate it. Maybe you could drive me sometime?" I asked.

"Sure."

I know we mostly made bad memories but I used to be in love with the guy. All that has happened reminded me of the past; the past I can't erase.
I needed to see Josh.

A/N: Josh as in Josh Franceschi, not the Dun one 😅