Looking At Us

2. darrin

Sasha was seriously pissing me off. 

     It was enough that she had to get into a fifteen-minute argument with Ms. Hill about her detention, stop at the concession to get some water that only got thrown into the garbage can a minute later—still half full—when she changed her mind for a Red Bull, then walk six times slower than she normally did while talking to Hadley on the phone until we were a block away from my house, only to realize that she forgot her backpack at the school. 

     ‘‘For God’s sake, cut it out,’’ I said quietly. I’d learned the hard way that Sasha tends to get violent when someone snaps at her. ‘‘Cris can drive you down afterwards to get it. Just wait until he gets home.’’

     ‘‘And do what, hand in my homework late?’’ she questioned me, checking her mascara in her phone’s reflection. 

     I pulled the Samsung away from her and trailed two of my fingers on the skin of her waist. ‘‘You never do homework,’’ I told her. Shivers erupted down my spine. 

     Sasha’s face broke into an innocent smile. ‘‘How well you know me,’’ she said, and kissed me beneath my jaw, grazing her teeth along my skin. 

     The house was empty when we got in, so Sasha went upstairs and spit on my older sister’s mirror, just because they hated each other. I went to my bedroom and slammed Never Shout Never’s Trouble into my stereo. Sasha joined me a minute later. 

     ‘’Do you have food?’’ she asked me, ‘’I am hungry. Oh, there’s my shirt.’’ 

     She picked up her blue crop-top that she’d left behind last week and examined it. ‘’I like this shirt better than the one I’m wearing right now. Don’t you?’’

     I said nothing. Cody Spentz had just sent me a Snapchat of him shirtless on his dirt bike, his legs crossed over one another in a disturbingly sexual position. 

     ‘‘Never mind,’’ Sasha said. ‘’This one makes my boobs look huge.’’ 

     I held up my iPhone. ‘‘Smile.’’

     She adopted a pose and stuck out her tongue, and I sent Cody a Snapchat saying, You are such a dick bro. 

     ‘’I want food,’’ Sasha complained. ‘‘Darrin! I. Want. Food.’’ 

     I looked up. She had one hand on her hip—her slender, tilted hips—and her mouth was pursed. The crop-top she’d put on revealed a little too much of her body, and her cinnamon-colored hair curled gently around her breastbone, but with that and the fact that Never Shout Never was whispering about being addicted to this girl, I was having a hard time concentrating. 

     ‘‘Wake up, Darrin. Is there food in this house?’’ she said forcefully. 

     ‘‘Yes,’’ I said. ‘‘Upstairs.’’

     So we climbed up to the main floor and peered into the kitchen, just as the front door open and Cris—my older brother—and Emily—my older sister—walked in. 

     Cris was saying, ‘‘Maybe he doesn’t want to hang out with you because you’re so damn annoying. Did you ever think of that?’’

     I got a Snapchat from Cody, full of typos: Megan sad the same ting abou me. i pt her phne down my pnts. 

     Emily swore at Cris, then turned to look at us. She was going full Domnall style now: wild red hair, tall, big breaths, and flaring nostrils. Most of my siblings got like this when they were pissed off; I wonder if I’d looked like that in my last few minutes with Sasha. 

     Emily glared at Sasha, and Sasha glared at Emily. I scanned the cupboards for something nutritional. 

     Never Shout Never breathed in my ear: And that cellular will be the death of us, I swear, I swear. 

     ‘‘Slut,’’ Emily snapped. 

     ‘‘Bitch,’’ Sasha replied. 

     I took a picture of a red fridge magnet and typed, Megan trawley? 

     Yes, Cody replied a few seconds later. Megan freakin Trawley. 

     Sasha found some alcoholic chocolates and dragged me back downstairs. Never Shout Never slammed against the walls:

               I've been searching for

               A girl that's just like you

               ‘Cause I know

               That your heart is true 

Sasha said, ‘‘God, I hate your sister.’’

     I turned; she slammed into me, and I put my arms around her waist. Our thighs grinded together. 

     ‘‘And she hates you,’’ I replied. ‘‘All is well.’’

     Sasha rubbed her hands on my stomach, grazing her fingernails over the muscles, making me shiver. She put her mouth to mine, snaking her tongue past my lips and kissing me erotically. 

     ‘’I hate this shirt,’’ she mumbled, pulling it off. 

     Standing in my bedroom with my shirtless girlfriend, kissing her, feeling her, stretching out to the bed and waiting for night to come, I should’ve been thinking about only her fingers, only her legs, only her lips on my throat. But instead I was thinking about Megan Trawley. 

     There were a few things I knew about her: she was friends with Cris’s ex, she was socially awkward, and she was pretty. She’d moved here in sixth grade, but she was in only two of my classes this year. She always hung out with Shain Watts, but sometimes she hung out with Cori Williams, too. She was indecisive. 

     I had stood beside her in the hallways once and watched as Cori and Cris made out. I saw how Cori’s hands thread through Cris’s rufous hair, how he hooked his thumbs into her belt loops and crushed their hips together, how she kissed the freckles on his cheeks and giggled when he flinched. 

     Megan Trawley’s eyes had been filled with wanting. She wanted to be loved like that.

     Now, as I stood in my bedroom with my hands on Sasha’s thighs and my lips at her breastbone, I thought about all the times we had done this before. And I thought about Cris. And Cori. And Megan. 

     And I allowed Sasha to slide my jeans off, just because I could, just because I wanted to treasure what nobody else except for us had.