Looking At Us

50. hadley

               I'll be your light, your match, your burning sun,

               I'll be the bright, in black that's making you run,

               And we'll feel alright, and we'll feel alright,

              'Cause we'll work it out, yeah we'll work it out

I lay on my bed with my head in my hands and my stereo blaring, listening to Cody’s favorite music: OneRepublic. 

               I'll be doing this, if you had a doubt,

              ‘Til the love runs out, 'til the love runs out 

‘‘Hadley,’’ Rogan called from downstairs, ‘‘it’s your turn to walk the dog.’’ 

     ‘‘The dog can walk herself,’’ I snapped, though I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me. I didn’t want to move. I was a stone, and I was inches from disintegrating. 

     Cody. 

     In the past hours, I’d been trying to figure out how to hijack into his phone. He’d done it to Megan’s device, so why couldn’t I do it to his? 

     Because he wasn’t here. And he was a computer genius. And he wasn’t here. 

     ‘‘Hadley! Walk. The. Dog.’’ 

     Rogan pushed my bedroom door open, followed by Nikki, the family’s Hokkaido. I turned up the music on my stereo so that it was screaming, alive, unrestrained:

               I got my mind made up, man, I can't let go,

               I'm killing every second 'til it saves my soul,

‘‘Hadley.’’

     ‘’Go away. I don’t give a shit.’’ 

     I saw Rogan raise his thick eyebrows. His hair was tawny and locked in tight curls. 

     ‘‘Don’t get pissy,’’ he said. 

     ‘’Go screw Michael.’’

     Most sisters wouldn’t tell their brother to go screw their other brother, but I wasn’t like most sisters. My oldest brother, Michael, was gay, and I had a running suspicion that Rogan was, too. They could suck each other’s dicks until they threw up. 

     The doorbell rang, and I heard Michael answer it, and he yelled, ‘‘Hadley!’’ across the house. I didn’t move. A minute later, Sasha and Darrin walked into my room. Rogan left, but Nikki stayed and climbed onto my bed, which she wasn’t allowed to do. 

     ‘‘Bad girl,’’ I said, pushing her off. Darrin eyed her nervously. 

     Sasha sat down and laid her back against my legs, stretching rather gracefully. ‘‘Got your SOS,’’ she said. ‘‘You’re depressed about Cody. I am understanding.’’

     ‘‘Why is Darrin here? I thought you guys were done.’’

     Sasha looked at him nervously. ‘‘We’re . . . in rehabilitation. It’s a work-in-progress. So, why’d he break up with you?’’

     ‘’He loves Cori,’’ I said, shrugging. ‘‘Apparently me and him were just sex buddies. He actually loves her. It’s not freaking fair.’’ 

     Darrin gave a humorless laugh, because nothing was funny. ‘‘Life isn’t freaking fair, Hadley. Get used to it. It took me almost a year to see that your efforts to make things fair are useless, because they won’t work. I have four older siblings. I have ADHD. I have a bitchy girlfriend, but you know what? I’m not gonna try and make things better. This is just the way they are.’’ 

     I wanted to snap at him to shut up about his goddamn philosophies, but I didn’t have the effort. Cody would’ve said the same thing. He had metaphysical thoughts sometimes, theoretical ideas about how life came to be this way and what we could do about it. And then I would shut him up with a kiss and we’d eventually fall into my bed and he’d trace the outline of my jaw like he couldn’t remember what shape my face was, and he’d kiss me until I fell asleep, smelling his aftershave and folding my body against his chest. 

     ‘’I have a solution,’’ said Sasha. ‘‘Darrin, do your thing.’’

     For a second I thought Darrin was going to put on a strip show and dissolve my worries briefly, but instead he sat at my computer and typed in a few things. Seconds later, he turned the screen towards me and said, ‘‘Presto.’’

     It was a view of texts between Cody and Cori. 

     I felt a little weird. Only weeks ago, I’d been in this room with the two of them, hijacking into Megan’s phone. Now I was spying on their own conversations:

     Cody? Hey, how are you?

     I’m okay. I miss you.

     I miss you, too. We’re just coming into New Denver.

     Don’t cosy up too much to that Jack guy.

     His name’s Jake and no, I won’t. 

     Good.

     I love you. 

     I love you, too. 

‘’Oh, damn,’’ Sasha said smugly. 

     I crossed my arms and held my breath. Once upon a time, we’d had conversations like that. He’d told me that he loved me. 

     Darrin asked, ‘‘Who’s Jake?’’ 

     ‘‘Jake is this dude in New Denver who is extremely hot and likes having blow jobs,’’ Sasha explained. 

     At this point, Darrin would’ve said something like Hey! or I heard that, and Sasha would kiss him or something, but Darrin just frowned like he’d forgotten how to speak, and Sasha folded her arms and examined her nails. 

     ‘‘What are we going to do?’’ she asked. 

     I closed my eyes. For now, we were going to do nothing, because we were all broken.