Looking At Us

4. cori

Gossip at school was lead by one group, but with one dedicated leader: Hadley Strong. 

     She was fifteen years old but she was still in ninth grade like the rest of us. Her hair was dark and silky, and her eyes were green like poison. Her body was slim; she had shy muscles from her recent volleyball years. Her phone was her best friend. 

     On the walk from her house to the school, I said, ‘‘How are you and Cody doing?’’

     She spread her arms, stretching herself in a way that defined resplendent. ‘’Oh, God, I am so sore from last night. Do you know how strong this boy is? You should see his abs.’’ 

     Out of all the girls Cody Spentz had impregnated, screwed, or made out with, Hadley was his most constant customer. Ever since he’d moved here at the start of the year, Hadley had lost her virginity, slept with Cody multiple times, and basically become the slut of ninth grade. Which was okay with most of us. Nobody else wanted Cody’s hands on their breasts. 

     ‘’Do you miss it?’’ Hadley asked. ‘‘Being in love?’’

     I thought of Cris. I thought of the way he kissed me. 

     I said, ‘’A bit. Sort of. I don’t know. I wasn’t really in love with him.’’

     But that was for Hadley, because I had been in love with him. My heart pulled itself into a ball whenever he touched my skin, whenever my hair was in contact with his shoulder. I missed it. I missed him. 

     I must have been totally on autopilot for the rest of the walk, because we got to the school and Hadley ducked inside the bathroom to send an explicit photo to Cody and  Garrett Thorne was checking out my ass and Sasha ran up to me and omigod, Cris texted Megan last night! 

     And then I woke up. 

     I couldn’t find Megan right now because I had Science and Mr. Kristen would give me a detention if I showed up late, but I saw her heading to Biology with Shain, and I knew I’d be able to catch her after wards in English. 

     Sasha was trying to spill out all of the details, and Hadley was trying to gather them all in at the same time. I was trying to connect two impossible things in my mind. 

     Megan. Cris. 

     I remembered his hand on my thigh and his lips at my jaw. I remembered those goodbye kisses, those late night texting conversations. The way he noticed another girl and broke my heart the next day. 

     Cris Domnall was a handsome, cunningly smart and respectable bastard. 

     I couldn’t allow him to crumple up Megan’s heart. 

     In English class, I took my seat next to Shain and waited for Mrs. Timbers to explain the lesson, and then I tapped Megan on the shoulder. 

     ‘‘Okay, Blondie,’’ I told her coldly, ‘‘spill it.’’ 

     Megan frowned. She hated it when I called her Blondie—when anybody called her Blondie—but it was my way of saying that I was jealous. I was auburn-haired. It wasn’t as wild or as red as the Domnall kids’ hair, but it was dark and straight and russet-colored, which gave everyone a different judgement of who I really was. 

     Megan said, ‘‘What’s there to spill? I didn’t do anything.’’

     ‘‘Cris. Texted. You.’’

     Then she made a face of recognition, because she knew was I was getting into now. Apparently, Shain did too; she said, ‘’Oh my gosh,’’ very quietly. 

     ‘‘He didn’t say much,’’ Megan explained. ‘’He told me it was him, and I said hi, and then I went to sleep. There are no new messages since last night.’’

     I drew a heart on my page. ‘‘How did he get your number?’’

     ‘’I have no idea,’’ she said. 

     I drew a crack in the heart, mirroring what my own looked like now. 

     Beside me, Shain finished writing down a paragraph about Romeo and Juliet, then said, ‘‘Why is this such a big deal? You’re still not obsessed with him, are you, Cori?’’ 

     ‘’No, I’m not. Boys are assholes, and Megan should not be interfering with this boy. You should know, Shain, after Levon,’’ I said. 

     A few months ago, Shain had started dating a guy called Levon, who was only seen in the shadows. Nobody knew much about him, but him and Shain had disappeared behind the school at lunchtime and . . . did something. Nobody knew what exactly had gone on between them. She broke up with him after three months of weird dating. 

     ‘’I will not make things complicated with him,’’ Megan told me. ‘‘It’ll be cool. Okay? I promise he and I will never kiss.’’

     ‘‘Good. Because it’s against the Girl Code. Never date your friend’s ex. Okay?’’

     She nodded. Shain quoted a cheesy line from Shakespeare, and I thought about Cris promising to me that he would always be devoted to me. 

     Right before he saw another girl and broke my heart.