Looking At Us

36. sasha

I was tight, tight, tight, and there was no loosening up. 

     My muscles were tight, my head was tight, my heart was tight. I was being squeezed into this world of tense screams, all of them emerging from my mouth. I could faintly sense his hands on my breasts, his mouth on my shoulder, his waist straddled between my legs, but I couldn’t feel him. My heart beat for nothing. I was being wasted. 

     Tight tight tight

     ‘‘God,’’ Darrin moaned, working his lips down to my breastbone. ‘’Oh, God, Sasha.’’ 

     I said nothing. Right now, none of this deserved recognition. 

     tight tighttight

     Darrin moved his hand away from my thigh and grabbed a condom from the floor, next to our clothes. As he put it on, I shifted, and for some reason the movement caused a huge orgasm in him (was it his ADHD?) and he grabbed my ass and kissed me hard, roughly, all of it teeth. Nothing, none of this, felt passionate or loving. 

     tighttighttighttight

     Christ. 

     I shoved him away, still straddling him, still naked on top of him; I pressed my hands into his shoulders and pinned him to the bed. Darrin’s eyes were drunk with lovemaking and possibly alcohol, and it scared me. He’d taken it too far this time. 

     ‘‘Damn you,’’ I hissed. I would’ve said worse, but right now, the effort drained me. 

     He stared at me as I slid out from the bed and started putting clothes back on. I realized that I’d put on his boxers by accident, but if I was too lazy to swear, I was too lazy to change. 

     Darrin swallowed. ‘‘What did I do?’’ His voice was sticky. 

     I grabbed my PJ shirt. ‘‘You freaking ruined it. I’m sorry, Darrin, but I’m way too stressed tonight and you just took it too far.’’

     He pushed the covers away, exposing his bare body, looking like a Michelangelo sculpture briefly. ‘‘I’m—I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You could’ve told me.’’

     Then I snapped. ‘’I could’ve told you? You could’ve asked! It’s all about sex, isn’t it, Darrin? It’s all about my body, and your abusive orgasms that drive me insane. God, you know what—you know what, I’m done. Get out.’’

     ‘‘It’s my house,’’ Darrin said. ‘‘You can’t tell me to get out of my own house.’’

     ‘’I didn’t say that. I’m telling you to leave me alone for a bit. Go do whatever, but leave. Me. Alone.’’

     He stood there, still naked, staring at me. ‘‘Can I have my underwear back?’’

     ‘’No,’’ I said. ‘‘Why do you need it? Go show some other girl your dick. Go screw another girl, Darrin, but not me. Not me.’’

     Silence fell between us. Darrin put on his pajama shorts and his Canucks T-shirt, and then he left the bedroom. I listened to his footsteps as they trailed upstairs. 

     I wanted to cry. I should’ve been crying. 

     Why wasn’t I crying?

     In the room next to mine, I heard the sounds of Cori and Cody lovemaking. The previous hours had been of us watching a movie and eventually kissing; Darrin and I had left the room first, and Cori and Cody had taken the guest room. Now it was two a.m. on Saturday morning, and I had freaked out on Darrin, and Cori and Cody were still happy. 

     Out of desperation, I went into their bedroom. 

     It was hard to see anything. The lights were out, the TV was off, and there were no sounds except for the giggles and moans from beneath the bed covers. I closed the door and crept towards the lump on the bed. 

     ‘‘Cori,’’ I hissed. Then, louder: ‘‘Cori!’’ 

     The covers pulled back slightly, revealing Cody and Cori, both sweaty and pale, their naked shoulders crushed together. 

     I grimaced. ‘‘Wow. You guys are taking this first date thing extremely seriously.’’

     Cori blushed, which wasn’t like her. Cody smirked. 

     ‘‘Where’s Darrin?’’ he asked. ‘‘And why are you wearing his underwear?’’

     ‘’We had a fight. I told him to leave. And I’m wearing his underwear ‘cause I’m too lazy to take it off. Plus it’s comfortable.’’

     ‘‘Hmm.’’ Cody whispered something in Cori’s ear, and she laughed. 

     I crossed my arms. ‘‘How long are you guys gonna do this for?’’

     Cody frowned and looked at Cori. ‘’I don’t know. Hasn’t gotten uninteresting so far. Are you tired yet, angel?’’ 

     Something registered in my brain: didn’t Cody always call Hadley his ‘angel’? 

     ‘‘Not yet,’’ Cori whispered, ‘‘but if I am, I’ll let you know. Okay?’’

     ‘‘Okay.’’ 

     I rolled my eyes. ‘’Oh my God. Don’t do the whole Gus and Hazel thing on me. I’ve read the book. I’ve seen the movie. I’ve had enough okays for a lifetime.’’

     Cody laughed, short and airy, and kissed Cori’s forehead. I got the feeling that they were in bed more for the purpose of love—actual, passionate love—instead of just sex. Once upon a time, I’d shared that feeling with Darrin, something strong and unbreakable, but that had been before we’d had sex for the second time. Now we were constellations of stars, scattered, stretched, distant from each other. I’d forgotten what true love had felt like. 

     Cody and Cori kissed for a minute, soft and devoted, and I waited. Then Cori stretched out a naked arm in my direction, her finger brushing my wrist. Her dark russet hair spread down her back gracefully. 

     ‘‘You look . . . empty,’’ she decided. ‘‘You should take a break from Darrin. Chill out with us.’’

     I frowned. ‘‘Chill out? If you mean skinny dipping in a goddamn lake, no thanks.’’ 

     ‘’So you won’t join us next week?’’ Cody asked. 

     Cori shut him up with a kiss. ‘’My point is—you need a distraction, Sasha. And . . .’’ She grinned. ‘‘Three is always better than two, you know.’’

     ‘‘The more the merrier,’’ Cody added. 

     I uncrossed my arms, then crossed them again. ‘‘Wait. You’re going to let me screw around with your boyfriend? You’re going to let him screw both of us?’’

     ‘’Oh, he’s not screwing anyone except me. Right, Cody?’’

     ‘’Um. Yeah, I guess.’’ 

     ‘‘Good.’’ Cori looked at me, bold and brave and raw. ‘‘What’s your answer, Sasha?’’

     tighttight tight Tight . . . 

     I was slowing down. 

     ‘‘Fine,’’ I said, and I stripped off my shirt and Darrin’s underwear, and I crawled beneath the covers with Cody and Cori, feeling my heart loosening, something that being with Darrin had never allowed.