Life's Fear

Chapter Seventeen

"Jason!" I bellowed, hammering my fist against his door.

I wasn't sure how I ended up at Jason's front door, nor how I really got there. A lie. I knew how I got there: I walked. But I was in such a haze that since reading the rest of the article and being here in the present at Jason's door, I was too preoccupied to focus on my actions and to just live in the moment.

Max had questioned me incessantly if something was wrong when she took her phone back. I completely forgot to notify her of the text she'd received whilst I'd handled her phone. She slipped it straight into her pocket and went off to some extra curriculum sports after that. I'd sent a quick text to Jesse in form informing him I was going to Max's house after school to do homework together, to which he replied swiftly and said he'd see me at home. No indication of doubtfulness from him. And then I let my feet transport me to Jason's house, though if I had to recreate the route, I would be lost in a matter of minutes after leaving the school vicinity.

And now that I was here, I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do.

And to top it off, because before I could even begin to speculate what I could potentially say, Jason had opened the door; I swear it was inches from hitting the wall inside, but I said nothing, especially when Jason had such a sombre expression plastered on his face.

And I continued to say nothing.

Continued.

Continued...

"If you're not going to say anything, you may as well just leave," he said, nodding at the road behind me with his arms crossed over his chest.

I knew I couldn't confess this to him, but he looked rather attractive like that. His hair seemed tousled as well, as the icing on the cake. But I decided not to dwell on it and finally said, "Can I come in please?" Better to start somewhere, Blair, though perhaps it could have taken less time to get there.

Stepping out of the way, Jason closed the door behind me as I lingered awkwardly in the threshold, unsure of what to do, what to say and what to even look at. I guess this is how Max feels when she'd been around Jason, though I know I had no reason to be like this. He's never been a threat to me. And now that I think about it, he's never been a threat to anyone else.

Without saying a word, Jason took off upstairs. To face the situation and not to be a coward, I followed. He seemed neither surprised nor in disagreement of my emulation of his actions. We were in his bedroom a moment later, and I was facing the door. Do I close it or keep it open? We were the only ones here from what I gathered, but I'm so used to having my door closed, I wasn't sure whether it was right to close it now.

I pushed it so it was slightly ajar before turning around. Jason was staring intently at me with the same expression, though this time his hands were in his pockets of his jeans.

So I took a deep breath and just blurted it out, because I had evidence to suggest I'm good at just saying whatever to Jason. "I know it's you doing the vandalism."

"I didn't exactly hide it with the new graffiti. They found WE ARE HIDDEN, you know, not long after that one. But fine, you know that. So tell me why you stared at me in sports."

He knew I knew it was him, but he didn't know for sure how long. I could just embellish a little. He didn't need to know about the picture that was still saved on my phone and computer, and not to mention the list of his work on a Word document. I knew I had to keep that to myself. Whether Jason would approve or not, I had no idea, but I wanted this to be my own for now. At least.

"Why did you write what I said?"

"It fitted." He shrugged, still channelling nonchalance. "Why were you staring at me in sports?"

"This could make me affiliated with you now."

"Why did you stare at me in sports?"

Jason was relentless, so I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed, turning my head to the side only to see a minute mess of clothes on the floor in the corner. By tonight I bet they would be put away, but for now it seemed so out of place with Jason's bizarre neatness. But then Jason feigned coughing and my head involuntarily snapped back to him. He waved his hand as if to prompt me to answer. And consequentially, I was then left with no choice.

"I told you I was just listening to what Mr Williams was saying to you because I'd finished my section." My arms tightened so much around me that I thought I might crush internal and highly-vital organs.

"Bullshit," Jason replied, almost spitting out the word at me. But there was a smirk growing on his lips, though I couldn't tell what he was theorising inside his head to warrant a smirk... that he was now beginning to pout out and I swear my knees almost buckled at the sight.

Keep it together, Blair.

"I thought you were attractive!" I sounded evidently exasperated.

Seemingly appreciative and befuddled, and I guess nonplussed too, with my words, Jason's jaw actually dropped slightly. The smirk vanished from his rogue lips and after a pause he said, "And now?"

"Now that we've grown closer, you mean?" I answered rhetorically, letting his piece the jigsaw slot together on his own without my assistance as I could feel my cheeks warming up incredibly quickly under his intense gaze.

Jason nodded in understanding.

"Why have you been doing it? You could get arrested for this, especially when you wrote THE DARKNESS IS ALIVE on the fountain at Bellmere's Botanical Gardens. I don't think your mum would want you arrested."

Sighing, he ran a hand through his head and turned away so I could only view his profile. His jaw line, I admit, was to die for. He turned back to me. "I needed a way to express my feelings. End of." It was so abrupt I actually felt my head incline backwards from the shock of the vagueness in his explanation.

"Jason-"

"Blair, that's it. It's an outlet. Some people write journals and hide them under their beds or write secret blogs. Some people let everything mount inside of them until they explode and either hurt themselves or end it all. This is how I deal with it. When I can't sleep at night, it helps to go outside and then I find myself writing the phrases."

"They're dark phrases, Jason."

He chuckled. "Nice pun. And I know. That's how I think during the night. Sometimes it's too overwhelming that I just can't get to sleep. It's been stressful at home with Mum and... but it should be getting better now. But my body always feels alert and ready for the new mountain to climb." He drew out a long breath before adding, "It's silly, I know. You're the only person who knows about it? In a moment of madness last night, I wanted you to experience the words first before anyone else could steal it away."

"Jason-" I began again, but got interjected.

"No, anyone can steal those words when they're out there for themselves. But it was my creation, and I know I probably shouldn't be exploiting them or boasting, but they are... they're mine. And I want them to myself, which means I get the liberty of sharing them with whomever I want. And I chose you."

Originally I came to Jason's house with the sole intention of calling him out on his work and protesting against his actions using my words so now I was a liability in his crimes... somewhat. But now that I was there, and he was spilling all his concealed emotions to me that he might only do at night to himself in his head when he can't write all of these on some wall or exhibit, my purpose had amended. It was almost as if I craved to be a part of this with him and bask in his feelings and work. Help him understand that he shouldn't be doing this and there are other methods of controlling himself.

Then I did something I wasn't sure was wholly appropriate or I would have ever done with anybody, but it felt right in that moment and we were just gazing at one another, mouths open and utterly wordless. I stepped forward, held the back of Jason's neck, pulled him down...

And I kissed him. Hard.