Life's Fear

Chapter Fifty

That was the worst night of my life.

Not only in terms of what transpired, but also because of sleep. Despite Jason sleeping right beside me, I couldn't shake the nightmares out of my head whenever I did manage to catch some sleep. But it never lasted long. Perhaps half an hour at most each time. I never intended to wake Jason up, though with my excessive trembling and sobbing I couldn't keep concealed, he would arouse naturally.

"Blair, you need to eat something," Mum had said that morning softly, pushing a plate of buttered-toast in my direction with a glass of orange juice.

"I'm not hungry," I protested, not even making eye contact with Mum. Jason was sat beside me, eating quietly from his own plate.

She sighed softly and meandered off. She left the plate and glass in front of me in the same position, but I didn't dare take a bite. I couldn't; I was sure if I were to, I would have just vomited it back out again a few minutes later. It wasn't nice. I barely shook the feeling at lunch when Jason bought me a bottle of water and a plate of chips "to share", though he had to eat the majority due to my absent appetite.

Kendall had the day off anyway, but Jesse needn't have called in to ask for a day off for bereavement, because the hospital phoned him anyway and demanded he took the day off – and the successive few days. They expected him to be back in the following week. Jesse was more than thankful when he got off the phone. I was on my way downstairs when I lingered outside his room and eavesdropped. He was so thankful he ended up in tears as soon as he hung up with the hospital.

Jason was already downstairs by that point, waiting for me as Mum was preparing our breakfast for us. The younger siblings were not present, and Kendall would have still been in bed, though I doubted she would be asleep. I don't think any of us could have been asleep last night for long, perhaps except for Jason considering he is not a true family member.

"She's right," Jason had whispered to me when Mum left the room and I was gawking at the toast and orange juice.

"You can have it," I argued, my tone feeble.

He did his best to get me to eat it, but I could only manage half of the toast and a few sips of the orange juice before I started feeling sick and my stomach churning. It was at that point Jason surrendered and finished it off for me to placate my mum. When she came back, our plates were vacant of food. She nodded impressed, though I had a feeling she knew I hadn't eaten all of it.

The thought hit me: should we be wasting food now? We were now a single pay check family, and there were six children. Kendall and Jesse would have to chip in frequently, and as soon as I get a job after I have graduated, I would do my best to assist Mum in any way that I could, because I'd always experience this guilt. It would always reside within my heart that was now missing a large chunk. Whatever Dad said in the past month or so, he was still my dad, and nothing would negate that.

Jason and I decided to walk to school together, holding hands. He didn't dare let go even as we entered through the school gates. People turned around at us and stared. They said nothing. You'd have to be pretty heartless to mock someone after their father has just been involved in a hit and run.

"Ignore them," Jason murmured in my ear.

"How do they know?" I managed to choke out, feeling the tears build up in my eyes. I refused to release them. Not here. Not now. In the privacy of my own room, yes. But in front of everyone at school, I did not want to show such weakness. They already had something to gossip about and produce hearsay behind my back; I didn't need anything else being said about me.

"They reported it online late last night, and I'm sure it's come up on everyone's phones. It's big with the council considering he was a loyal employee..." Jason trailed off a little, glancing uneasily down at me as we entered the actual school building.