Saved In The A.M.

3-Love You Goodbye

I'm not very proud of this one because it was rushed but the ones to com should be goooood.
- All the love xo
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My eyes open slowly after what feels like a sleep that has lasted days, the digital wall display that I can barely read through my blurry eyes, even though its centimetres from my head, informs me that I've only actually been asleep for not even half an hour which is why it's still so blurry, I'm still drunk. Harry's still running his fingers through my hair which he's probably been doing since I first rested my head on his lap making my insides go all mushy. His touch is soft and delicate making me feel like a child and I wish I had a reason to feel it more often.

"Guys I think he's awake" I hear Harry whisper and I fully grasp that I'm still laying on him. Just after Harry speaks, the plane hits some turbulence causing me to vomit bile and whiskey all over myself. I groan out in pain as both the liquids together do the perfect job at burning my throat and as Harry tries to get me to sit up so I don't choke, he says "quick go get a vomit bag" as he points to Liam "and a bottle of water" as he points to Niall and they jump up to go find their items. I vomit on myself again while they're searching causing me wince in pain as it continues to burn worse this time from being that little bit more aware of what's going on. Liam returns with a vomit bag and Niall with the bottle of water, Harry holds the vomit bag up to my mouth as he rubs my back while I empty the contents of my stomach into it.

"There there Louis, let it all out love" his comforting words make me feel safe and somewhat better. I take a few mouthfuls of water and can hear Harry telling me to slow down which I can't because I'm so dehydrated. Proving Harry right, I vomit up what I just drank and more and Harry wraps his arm around my back to reach the other side of me to rub my upper arm. "Harry it hurts so much" I complain to him. Using his free hand he folds the cloth which was previously on my head, so the bloody side is on the inside "I know lou, it's gonna be okay though, just let it all out okay?" He says comfortingly as he uses the clean side to gently pat the sweat off my face and wash the vomit off my mouth and then wipes down my chest and stomach over my top to get off some of the vomit making me squirm knowing he's able to feel all the fat on me.

"We should probably change your top you know?"
"No leave it on I want to keep it on" I snap sounding like a bratty child. But I can't risk letting him see all my fat rolls which will be worse since I'm sitting down and hunched over.
"But it's all dirty now Lou" He retaliates.
"No I want it on let me keep it on!"
He's skeptical but let's me leave it anyway.

I manage to take just a sip of water and keep it down and in a croaky voice am able to apologise. "I'm sorry for being so stupid and drinking so much so quick, I guess I don't know what got into me and I'm sorry Harry for snapping at you and vomiting on myself and probably on you I'm bloody ferrel." A tear escapes my eye and I know my drunken words will not be forgotten tomorrow by anyone. Harry grabs my face and wipes away my tear with his thumb while saying reassuringly "Lou please stop being so hard on yourself love, and you're not "ferrel" at all okay!" Putting emphasis on the way he said "ferrel" in kind of an ashamed way as if he couldn't actually believe what I was saying but it was true so I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't believe it. "You're amazing, we all have slip ups in our lives and what matters is that we push through them and realise we're not alone and we're still loved and we can get through them okay?" even though I'm still drunk I can tell that the way he said it, a double meaning was implied and I'm trying to figure out why he's been talking to me like this so recently since I've been hiding my habits so well.

I feel my eyes roll into the back of my head as I start to slowly sink down but Harry holds me up and says "c'mon Lou you need to stay awake for a bit longer just till you finish this bottle of water okay?" I'm so tired and drunk that I don't really know what I'm doing but I manage to nod my head ever so slightly yet he still notices. He holds the drink bottle up to my mouth pushing down on my lip to give the water access and I have a mouthful. A while later I've finished the whole bottle and have kept it down which has also sobered me up the slightest bit more. "Shhhhhh" I say to Harry for no apparent reason as I pass out again  on his shoulder.

I wake up and realise I've still got my head rested on Harry's shoulder and his head is resting on top of mine, I blush at the situation but my neck hurts so I need to move. I shift my head slightly and he jolts awake "hey he's alive!" He says a bit too loud but his voice is all deep and sleepy so I don't mind, I could listen to him talk all day with his voice like that, actually I could listen to him talk in his normal voice all day once I think about it.

"What the hell happened" I question groggily.
"You got extremely drunk last night love don't you remember?"
"Well clearly I got drunk if I feel this fucking shit and can't remember anything duh." I snap back rudely but he doesn't seem to mind.
"Do you want me to tell you what happened?" He offers.
"I don't think I want to remember to be honest, just tell me if I did anything stupid"
"You just vomited a bit but I wouldn't call it stupid"
"Oh okay, well I should probably clean myself up then, my top is covered in vomit that's actually disgusting" I reply embarrassed at the horrible sight he must be looking at.
"Yeah I asked if you wanted me to help change you but you wouldn't let me."
"Oh" I say, knowing exactly why I wouldn't let him see my body but not knowing what else to say to him as I get up.

When I walk into the bathroom I immediately notice my top is stained with vomit, my eyes have bags under them and all together I just look like pure shit. I pull off my top and examine my pudgy body as I poke and pull at the fat hard enough that red marks form and before I know it tears are forming in my eyes again not from the physical pain that I caused myself but from the emotional pain that looking at myself causes me. I curse at myself for being so emotional lately but assume it's down to the fact that the lack of nutrition is having an effect on my hormones. I realise that I didn't bring a top with me and I don't wanna put my vomit covered top back on and I also don't want to go out in front of the boys half naked otherwise they'll be able to see how absolutely disgusting I am. Instead I poke my head out and yell out for one of them to get me a new top that we have already packed on board just in case there's an emergency like this where a new top is required.

Harry brings me his favourite Pink Floyd Dark Side Of The Moon album t-shirt which makes me happy because it smells like him and he never lets anyone else wear it but him cos it's "special". He sees my face and whispers to me if I'm okay, "Yeah I'm fine I'm just hungover, let me just get changed and I'll be right out" I close the door without giving him a chance to answer in case he had anything more to say on the matter and put the t-shirt on, it's too small for me and accentuates my fat which I hate but I don't have any other option since Harry wears the biggest size due to his height so I just decide to deal with it and go back out there.

"Wow that tops quite big on you lad" Niall acknowledges. I get mad because I know he's making fun of me.
"Thanks" I say bluntly not wanting to argue.
"No Louis, have you actually lost some weight I mean I know you're already a bit smaller than Harry but that top looks at least 2 sizes too big" he says astonished.
"No not that I know of" I reply confused because even though the scale has said I've lost about 10 pounds the mirror shows me if anything I've put them on.
"Oh well maybe I'm mistaken then" Niall says giving the boys a weird glance which he thinks I miss but I don't.
"Yeah you must be"

I take my seat again on the same couch as Harry but this time we're at opposite ends. I whip out my phone and see that there's still about 10 hours of the flight left to go and decide to open Twitter to pass some time. I didn't intend to but I inevitably came across hate and have to click on it, they were saying things like "Louis is a horrible person and an even worse singer" they don't even know me how can they say things like that which causes me to get frustrated and I decide to take my mind off it by playing a game instead. A few minutes later I switch to Instagram instead and a photo of zayn pops up on my feed making me back think to when I spoke to him last which I realise hasn't actually been since he left the band which was months ago.

Zayn was my best friend and I could talk to him about absolutely anything and know for sure that he wouldn't tell anyone, actually now that I think about it, he is the only one that knows I'm gay. Which makes me sad because now he's gone and I never got a proper reason, not even a goodbye at all. I used to cut myself and was very depressed and he was the one I could go to and he made me get help without anyone else ever finding out about it. He would talk me through the hardest situations in my life and if I was up at 3 in the morning not able to sleep I could just call him and he would be there. He was my rock, he never left me until he left all of us but I appreciate him still so much for it.

I always find myself reminiscing on the time we spent together, he was like a brother to me. I miss him so much, he was always there for me and now we don't even talk anymore, maybe it was because he got sick and tired of me always bringing him down, after all I would get sick of me too. But still, I'll always have a special place in my heart for him, I love him even after goodbye.