Saved In The A.M.

4-Long Way Down

We've been home for a week now and it's been okay I guess, all together I've lost 18 pounds since I first started the diet 3 weeks ago, I started at 160 and now I'm at 132. I've started going to the gym for a few hours everyday to increase how much weight I lose a week and I only eat a maximum of 300 calories which is just about 6 apples which keeps me well and truly sorted for the day. So far if I know I'm going to have to eat a proper meal that day, I don't eat anything else because even when you purge, quite a few calories still get absorbed. I also weigh myself every morning and every night to keep myself motivated and on track.

I have been fighting a bit more recently with the boys which sucks but I've kind of just been locking myself away from them, just staying in my room most of the time because I know they don't want to deal with me. But I'm still in love with Harry so much which is a shame because I've been a bit of a dick to him because I don't want him to find out what I'm doing in case he tries to stop me. I wrote a new song for the album it's called Long Way Down and I love it because when it says "it's a long way down" the "down" starts really high then gets sung down to a much lower note. It's about a girl but that's only because I need to relate the song to not only the rest of the band but everyone who's gonna be listening to it. It's actually about me though and how I was doing so well and how much I loved life but now I'm just done and wanna lock myself away and never come back.

When I used to hear or read things about people's "demons" telling them to do or not to do something I would laugh a little in wonderment of who these "demons" actually were. Like were they the voices of other people telling you what to do? But now that I've experienced them myself I realise that it's actually your own voice. So like if I want to eat, my own conscience will be like "are you serious?" Or "you're actually a fat cunt what are you doing?" Or "cmon you really don't need that". Which is interesting because I always thought it was someone else's voice but maybe that's just for me.

I hear someone knock on my door.
"Come in!"
"Hey lou"
It's Harry.
"Hi Harry what's up?"
"I'm just reminding you that we have the dinner with management at 7 which is in an hour so we're leaving in 40 minutes just make sure you're ready" he smiled sweetly.
"Oh shit" I say since I've already had to throw up today's lunch which means I can't eat any more because I've already absorbed enough calories. This is gonna be impossible, it means I'm not going to be able to eat anything because even if I eat and throw up I'll still be absorbing calories. Fuck.
"What?"
"Oh nothing I just totally forgot that was tonight!"
"Oh okay well do you know what you're going to wear?" He asks, I can tell he's looking for an excuse to stay around and chat to me.
"Probably just black jeans and that low key see through black t-shirt with vans" I usually only wear black nowadays, it's better at hiding fat.
"Oh yeah, I think I'm gonna wear black jeans too but probably my Chelsea boots and a flannel" he never wears a flannel anymore but I think it's my favourite top on him.
"I loved the flannel era"
"Did you now?"
"Yes you pull off the farmer look well"
"Oh shut up" he laughed as he left my room. I was alone once more.

I get up and go to my ensuite to have a shower. After stripping down I take some time to stare at my disgusting body and think of ways to not eat tonight. 5 minutes pass and I have nothing so I just decide to get in the shower instead. The cold water runs over my body and I start to shiver but apparently the effort it takes to keep the body warm results in weight loss so I leave it. I start to think about Harry again and how perfect he is and before I know it I've been in the shower for 20 more minutes which means there's only 15 till we leave so I quickly turn off the water, jump out the shower and turn on the hair dryer and dry my hair. Afterwards, I rub some hair gel on my fingers then run it through my hair as I style it up and over at he front and just down and messy towards the back since it's gotten longer there.

Once done I migrate to my bedroom to chuck on my outfit and I'm ready to go with 2 minutes to spare so I quickly run back into the bathroom and put on some cologne then head down stairs to meet the rest of the boys. Niall and Liam are down there but Harry isn't yet so we wait for him patiently and a couple minutes later he practically falls down the stairs trying to get down them so fast.