Saved In The A.M.

15-I Want To Write You A Song

———HARRY'S POV———
I shove my board into the sand then sit down next to it on the cool shore that lines the beach of Camber Sands that I've visited every day since Louis left which would be about 2 weeks ago now. It's a 2 hour drive from our London house but it's been lovely weather recently but they're expecting a change tonight and I have nothing else to do these days so it's a good drive. I leave every morning at 8am, arrive here at 10am then stay until 3pm, arrive home at 5pm and stay in my room the rest of the time. I bring breakfast, lunch and dinner with me so I have no reason to eat with the boys, and I've cut off all my hair like how it was in 2013 but a bit shorter and wrap the bandana around it to keep it out of my eyes.

Zayn sleeps in my room and I've moved everything I need to Louis' because even though I hate what he did to me and can't stand to have any contact with him, I still love him deep in my heart even if my brain says I shouldn't so sleeping in his bed with everything that smells like him makes me feel better. I've started to write some songs even though I'm not sure yet what's going to happen with them but there's one coming along really well called 'Two Ghosts' and it's about how Louis left me and it hurts and I want him to come back but it's not the same anymore. Do I actually want him to come back though? I hate him so much for what he did to me.

For the first 5 or so days the boys tried to get me to do something else or to at least hang out with them and watch tv at the least so I wasn't in my room but I always declined so eventually they gave up. I hear my phone ring for over the 10th time today and I know it's Louis so I ignore it, he's the only one that hasn't given up but if anything I wish HE was the one who did give up, rather than the boys because I'm sick of seeing his name on my phone screen. I already think about him every second of every day and I don't need the fact that with a push of a button I could hear his angelic voice that I miss so much but he broke me and I'm not going to give in. The other boys tried to get me to see his point of view but his point of view is complete bullshit, he was able to tell all the other boys he was going to leave but not me? What an absolute fucking joke.

I look out to the waves which I love so much because they remind me of Louis' eyes and every time I'm in the water I feel like I'm swimming in Louis' eyes which calms me. There's a few surfers out there but it's a Monday so most people are at work which I appreciate because it means I get to be alone. I like being alone because there's no one telling me how to think or how to act or what to do. I pull off my thin grey long sleeve baseball top with the buttons always undone and place it in my bag, along with my phone before slipping out of my vans that also remind me of Louis then pull my board out of the sand and run to the water with it tucked under my arm.

I always tended to be the paler one of Louis and I but since I've been spending 5 hours a day for the last 14 days, in the sun, I've managed to develop a gorgeous tan that compliments my new hair and surfer vibe that I'm sure most people would kill for and I'm sure if Louis saw he'd regret ever lying to me. As the water hits my skin it makes the fresh cuts on my wrists and thighs sting but I ignore it, knowing it will go away in a few minutes, plus the salt water is good for them, it will help keep them clean. Every night without fail I find myself crying and adding to the fresh and old cuts and scars littered all over my wrists and thighs, luckily no one has seen them yet because i haven't really been around anyone for them to notice and I don't have the patience or energy right now to have a conversation about it.

I swim my way out past the waves and just decide to lay where the ocean is reasonably flat, on my board for a while, appreciating the serenity. I like it out here because I can't hear anyone, I can't see anyone, I just lay on my board floating on top of the water, not even caring at the chance of me drifting off somewhere. The only thing bad about being out here by myself is the fact that every second I'm not focusing on balancing myself on my board while I'm gliding across a wave, Louis is on my mind. However, I know that even if I wasn't out here, he would still be on my mind and I'd just be miserable somewhere else just as miserable.