"Little do you know" - Hotchniss

why?

The knock on her apartment door was harsh, filled with suppressed emotions. He didn't mind, since he was filled with more than just a few emotions in this moment.

A week had passed since they had kissed, a week which had been the hell for their friendship. They barely spoke, and if they did, it would mostly be very awkward. Hotch couldn't stop thinking about the kiss, it had even gone this far that he pictured kissing Emily when he was actually kissing Scarlett. He had also considered to break up with her, not because he was hoping for Emily to come around, no, because he thought that Scarlett deserved better. Of course he didn't fully love her, he wasn't able to - even if he wanted to, it wouldn't work.

Emily opened the door and shot him a confused look as she discovered him standing in front of her.

"Hotch? What are you doing here?", she asked, but she knew why he was there.

Wordless, he just held up the letter he had found on this desk this morning.

"I can explain-", she whispered, but he cut her off.

"You can explain?!", he exclaimed. "Have you any kind of idea how I feel right now?!"

"I'm sorry, I - I", but she stopped again as her eyes filled with tears. "I didn't know how to tell you."

"You didn't know how to tell me?! I am your best friend, Emily, you can tell me everything!"

"Haven't you recognized how we behaved the past days?", she hissed. "We barely talked, we didn't meet - do you think I could have just walked up to you and say it?"

"Well, that would have been way better than finding a letter on your desk, which informs you that your best friend quit the FBI and is going to take over Interpol London next week!", he snapped. "You're going to move to the other side of the planet and you don't think about telling me?"

"I only thought about you, all the time", she yelled. "Who do you think I am?! There wasn't a minute I didn't ask myself how to tell you and how you would react!"

"Well, here is my reaction", he exclaimed.

"No, this is not your reaction to me leaving", she whispered. "This is your reaction to the fact that I did not tell you that I would leave."

Hotch released a deep breath he didn't know he was holding and looked at her. "I just ask myself why you want to leave all of the sudden", he said in a choked voice.

Emily bit her lip and looked away as the first tears ran down her cheek. "I guess I have to find happiness", she whispered. "I need a new start. For Kaia, and for me. I can't stay here anymore."

"What?", he looked at her in shock. How hadn't he realized how unhappy she had been? "Isn't your life and your work here what makes you happy?"

"Not anymore", she sighed and wiped away the tears, but even more were following.

"Tell me", he whispered, desperate to know why she was feeling this way.

"I can't", she sobbed. "But it's all going to be fine, I promise."

"Is that why it was so hard for you to tell me? Because you knew that I would ask you why?"

She slightly nodded in response to this question and looked down on the ground again. Everything in her hurt, her head, her heart, her whole body. She was in total pain and he knew it, yet he didn't know why.

It was all too much. They were too much for each other. They often had had little arguments, but this time they knew that nothing would be fixed in the end. They were too broken to be fixed again. At least, they thought so.

"Please", Hotch begged. "Let me help you, Emily."

"You can't help me, Aaron", she whispered, still avoiding eye contact.

"Why?"

"Stop asking me 'Why'!", she exclaimed and then, she broke. "I am in pain, okay? And you are the reason why I am, and it is not even your fault! There is nothing you can do about it, it's me who is feeling and thinking too much, it's me who is scared and I have to get a break from all this here! I - I need to get away from you!"

He stared at her in disbelief. "It's me?", his voice was so low that she was barely able to understand him.

"Don't get me wrong", she begged. "You are perfect, you really are. You didn't do anything, it's just me. Okay?"

"Okay?! You're seriously asking me if I am okay?!", he exclaimed. "You just told me that I am the reason for you leaving to London, how can you expect me to be okay?! No, I am not okay, and I want to know what is going on!"

He couldn't believe that this was happening. Here he was, standing in front of his best friend, the woman he loved, just to be told that he was the reason she was going to leave. His mind was spinning, he wasn't even able to think clearly.

"It's not relevant", she snapped, closing her eyes for a second. God, why had she blurted out her real reasons? Why had the feelings been able to take over control - again? "I simply need space, space for me to be, and I think you need it too."

"No, I do not need space!", he yelled desperately, the confusion in him rising and rising.

"You do", she whispered. "You know you do."

Hotch looked down, thinking about her words. Was she right? Did he need space to get over her? But how could she know? She had no idea how he was feeling.

"I still don't get it", he said, looking at her red eyes again. "We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if you could just tell me what you are trying to hide."

"You don't want to hear it", Emily then said. She was sure he wouldn't want to know, she had experienced it the last time. She would not dare to be so stupid again, never.

Hotch let out a sigh. "What makes you think so?"

"I just know", she whispered.

"How?"

"Because you already pushed me away the last time."

His eyes widened as he realized what she was talking about. This couldn't be, it just couldn't.

"You said you don't remember", he said in a choked voice. "You lied?

And it was the way she looked away that told him that she had. "Emily, I-"

"It's okay", she whispered. "I can understand. I am your subordinate, your best friend and you are in a relationship with a perfect woman. You had to push me away. It's okay. You deserve better than this, you do."

Hotch was unable to say anything, too many thoughts were running on his mind. It couldn't be true, she couldn't feel the same way he did, right? How could someone like her could possibly fall for someone as broken as he was? He wanted to scream, he wanted to tell her everything had felt the past years, but everything was stuck in his throat.

"Just go away, Aaron. Please", she sobbed. "And let me go, too."