"Little do you know" - Hotchniss

promise

"She's collapsing!"

"Where is Dr. Meyer?"

"Is she bleeding?"

"How far pregnant?"

"She's passed out!"

"Page someone from the neonatology!"

"We need an OP right now!"

It were the doctors' and nurses' voices that were haunting through Hotch's head as he was waiting in the hallway. He was walking up and down, it felt like he had been waiting for ages already.

She was 7 and a half months pregnant, they had nearly reached the due date. They couldn't lose the twins now, not after all they had been through. It would break them both, he knew.

He nearly jumped as his phone beeped and he received a text from Haley, which said that she was with Jack and Kaia by then and that he shouldn't worry about them. Letting out a sigh, he continued walking up and down the hallway. He didn't even care about the tears running down his cheeks, he wasn't able to change it anyways. Panic. Pure panic was shooting through his body.

Names. They had already decided on names. They had bought a new house. Their hopes had been up so high the past weeks, they had really thought that it could work out. But once again, they were proven otherwise.

He felt so lonely in this long, empty hallway and it felt like the world had stopped turning. They had taken her to surgery, as far as he had understood that correctly. She hadn't been bleeding, according to the nurses. That was good, wasn't it?

At some point, he just sat down, leaning against the wall and brought his hands to his forehead. They had to make it, all three of them, they just had to. They had to be okay. He had promised her, he remembered.

"Mr. Hotchner?", the voice of a nurse nearly made him jump.

"Yes, that's me", he choked, the panic taking away all his voice. "Are they okay?"

"At first, take a deep breath", the nurse told him. "Okay. Dr. Meyer and a neonatologist checked on them. Mrs. Prentiss is going to go to surgery any minute, this is going to take some time. If you need anything, just let me kn-"

"Will they all be okay?", he cut her off.

"Mr. Hotchner, I can't guarantee anything, I hope you understand.", she sighed and gave him a sad look.

"What happened?", he whispered. "Why now?"

"The fissure where the gastric ulcer had been removed started to bleed again, and the blood is pressuring on her water.", the nurse said.

Hotch wasn't able to form an answer, he just continued to walk up and down the hallway. A certain memory suddenly flashed his mind; it had been approximately five months ago.

"How are you feeling?", he whispered.

They were laying in bed, both of them had just woken up and since Jack and Kaia were still asleep, they enjoyed the silence. She had her head resting on his chest - like always - and his left arm was wrapped around her.

"I'm scared", she admitted, one hand protectively on her belly.

"It's all going to be okay, Em", he replied, running his hand up and down her arm.

"But what if it's not going to be okay?", she asked him quietly and sat up, looking at him. Her eyes were filled with tears again, and so were his. Only the thought of losing their children teared both of them up.

"We shouldn't think-"

"No, Aaron", she interrupted him. "We also have to think like this."

He looked down, swallowing thickly. She was right, he knew. But they weren't able to take the pain that only thinking about this scenario caused. 

"Look at me", she whispered and brought her hand to his cheek, lifting his head until he looked her in the eyes again. "You have to promise me something."

"Okay."

"No matter what is going to happen to the twins and me, you have to promise me that you will stay strong and never lose hope, okay? You have to promise me that you won't lose yourself, even if this story may not to have a happy end. You will stay yourself for the twins, for Jack and Kaia, and for me, promise?", she asked and fought of holding back her tears.

His voice was choked, barely hearable, but he answered: "I promise."

It felt like he had been waiting for another century, still walking up and down the hallway without a break. 

He had promised her to remain strong, to remain himself. But only then he realized that if he lost one of them, he would lose a part of himself, too. He had given her a promise he couldn't keep. 

He should probably have called her mother or JJ, but he just wasn't able to think clearly. All he could think about was his girlfriend and their children. Girlfriend, he suddenly thought. God, why was she still only his girlfriend? They had already wasted so much time all the years before, and now they were expecting their own kids, they lived together - why the hell hadn't he proposed to her yet? He felt like he had told her how much he loved her way too less; like she didn't even know how much he did. And now he stood there, alone, thinking about all the things he should have done before, while his Emily was going through surgery. He had never felt so weak and useless before.

"You have to promise me that you will stay strong and never lose hope, okay?", he suddenly heard Emily's voice in his head. He didn't want to let her down, he couldn't. But keeping this promise was probably the hardest thing he had ever faced in his life. 

You promised her, he told himself. You promised her and you have never broken a promise before. So keep it up for her, just keep it up.

"Mr. Hotchner?", a familiar voice entered his thoughts and her raised his head to see Dr. Meyer walking up to him. She was still wearing one of these blue lab coats doctors always wore during surgery. 

"How are they?", he exclaimed in panic.

Dr. Meyer took a deep breath and closed the file in her hands.