"Little do you know" - Hotchniss

survive

Hotch sat in his office, staring at the photos on his desk. The pain shooting through his body was too much to him, it was more than he was able to take. And he usually was able to take a lot.

Three days had passed since Emily had slammed the door shut right in front of his eyes. Three days since he had found out that she would leave to London, three days since he had lost her. She would fly over there today, he knew. But they hadn't seen or talked to each other ever since. He always wanted to call her, but he couldn't. She had begged him to let her go. How could he have been so blind all the time?

Emily's eyes were still swollen and red as she got out of the SUV, carrying Kaia with one arm and her travel bag with her free hand. She wouldn't take a lot of stuff with her, she needed to leave as much as possible behind to get a new life.

She had been crying all the time in the past three days, not able to feel anything else but pain. And now the day had come, she and Kaia were going to fly to England to get a new life.

"Ready?", she whispered and looked at her daughter, before nodding to herself and walking towards the jet. It was the BAU's private jet which they had offered her to use since it was not easy to travel with a child.

Hotch looked up as Rossi entered his office.

"She's going to take the jet in about thirty minutes", he informed him, but he did not reply. Letting out a sigh, Rossi closed the door of the office and sat down in front of Hotch's desk.

"You have been sitting in your office for nearly three days straight, you look like crap and you even broke up with Scarlett", he said. "What happened between you and Emily?"

"What?"

"Oh, come on, I am not completely stupid. I saw you rushing out of your office after you had found the letter and the next day, you're looking like a ghost on work and Emily does not even show up to say good-bye. What happened, Aaron?"

Hotch looked down. "It's okay. She deserves the best, and if London is the best for her, than I'm more than fine with it."

"No, you're not", Rossi dryly said.

"I am.", Hotch stated and looked at his best friend.

"No, and everybody knows."

"Knows what?", Hotch asked.

"That you love her and that she loves you", Rossi sighed. "It has always been this way and nothing's ever gonna change that."

Swallowing thickly, Hotch raised his head to look at him. Never had someone said these words right into his face and it kinda flashed him. It was true, he loved her more than anything.
"She doesn't, she deserves better than me."

"She is crazy about you but both of you are just too stupid to realized that it has always been the two of you in the end.", Rossi exclaimed. "You two deserve each other, don't you think you have wasted enough time already? It's been years, Aaron."

"You don't understand", Hotch whispered. "I messed up. She hates me."

"She loves you, you idiot! She always has and you are going to hurt her even more if you let her go now!"

He didn't reply. Was Rossi right? Should he catch her before the jet would leave? Or was there already too much broken?

Emily stood in front of the jet, unable to move. Was this the right thing? Should she really leave? She had been so sure that it was the best for Kaia and her, but now that she was standing right in front of the jet, she was unsure. The pain was clutching inside of her. This was not the way she had expected everything to end. But sometimes, things had to end this way, right?

She turned her head to Kaia. She was getting heavy on her arm since she had grown a lot in the past months, but her walking was still wobbly, so she decided to keep here up there.

"Should we really do this?", she whispered to her daughter.

"Aar'n", the baby squealed and it literally ripped Emily's heart out of her chest. She felt bad for cutting him out of Kaia's life. She knew how much she loved him. Nearly as much as she herself did.

"I'm sorry", she replied, feeling the tears coming to her eyes again. "I know much he means to you, I do. But I think we have to go now."

"Aaron", Kaia repeated and reached out with her tiny hand.

Confusion shot through Emily and her eyes followed Kaia's arm, which as pointing behind her.
She turned around to see her best friend running towards the jet. Only then she realized that her daughter had seen him all the time.

Immediately, her eyes filled with even more tears and she wanted to look away, but her eyes were fixed on him as he got closer.

"Emily", he yelled. "Emily!"

She didn't reply, she knew that if she opened her mouth, only sobs would come out. What did he want? She herself had closed the door in front of his face, Emily expected him to be mad at her.

As he stood in front of her, tears were already floating her face.

"Don't go", he whispered breathless. "Please, don't go."

"I have to", she whispered. "You don't understand-"

"I do understand", he interrupted her. "I do, because I love you. I have always loved you, all the years, ever since I can remember, I just could not change it, even if I wanted to. And there were times that I wanted to, because all I wanted was you to be happy. I was dying every minute when you were with Josh, but I wanted you to be happy and in that moment, I thought he'd do that - but my feelings for you never changed, not a bit! I know you are my best friend and that we should totally not cross this line, but I can't let you leave before telling you the truth. I know I've been with Beth and Scarlett as well, but I now know that I will never be able to find someone that is going to help me to get over you. And do you know why? Because I will never get over you! When you kissed me that one night, I felt like my biggest wish was coming true and I was so overwhelmed, but I pushed you away since I thought it was not fair for you since you were drunk, I thought you had no idea what you were doing. But I never pushed you away because I didn't want you, God, I wanted you all the time! My feelings for you kept me awake at night, I could barely eat or breathe sometimes. And when I found this letter on my desk, I just went insane. But I love you, Emily, I always have and I'm begging you to stay with me! I don't know what I would do without you, I'm already such a mess right now, I'd completely fall apart if you leave. I wouldn't survive, I just couldn't."