Sink or Swim

20

Jane's POV

April 13th, 1912- 5:30pm

I stormed through the halls of our cabin areas, fuming with anger at my mother's intervention.  I found our room and burst through the doors, finding my mother reading in the chair near the fireplace. She glanced up at me and furrowed her eyebrows.

"What is the problem?" She asked.

"What is the problem?" I retorted, "how could you do that?"

"What on earth are you talking about, Jane?" She asked, closing her book and sitting up.

"Harry," I sneered. She rose an eyebrow.

"He ended it?" She asked. I nodded, feeling tears brim my eyes.

"I'm not engaged to Mark yet, therefore I have no reason to be loyal to him when I'm not even associated with the damn man," I said, "that's going to happen when we get to New York. So please, let me have my first romance before I trade my freedom in for another one of your stupid business deals!"

She gaped at me and stood up, "Jane!"

"Oh shut up, mother," I yelled. I had it. I had had it up to here with them. I had grown up being under their control and not having a voice of my own and for the longest time, I wasn't aware of what I had wanted. I never knew that I enjoyed dancing so much, or that beer was such a nice drink compared to champagne, I never knew that I enjoyed seeing the stars as much as I did and who did I have to thank for that?

Harry.

"Excuse me?" She gasped, "how dare you say that to me? I'm your mother!"

"Not right now you're not," I replied, "have you even bothered to understand how I've felt since I was young? I've been trapped. I was never able to do what I wanted until now. I found out things that I have never known about myself until Harry showed me and I will always be grateful to him for that, but you? You never understood."

"I do understand, Jane," she replied solemnly, "but we're women. We're not supposed to be able to be free to do what we want. Our lives consist of sacrifice and this is another sacrifice that you both will have to make."

"I don't want to," I whispered, sitting down on my bed as tears brewed in my eyes, "I don't want to, mother."

My mother sighed as I looked down at my hands and I heard her move closer to me. She sat down on the bed next to me and brushed her fingers through my hair.

"Oh, pet," she whispered, "I know you don't. But you have to."

I looked up at my mother who was now looking at me with soft eyes. My chin trembled as I looked at her and she pursed her lips.

"I love him," I whispered. She smiled sadly and nodded.

"I know, dear," she replied, "I can tell. But that's why you have to let him go."

She kissed my head and stood up to leave the room. When the door closed, I placed my head in my hands and sobbed. I wasn't upset because I didn't get my way.

I was more upset that my mother was right. We weren't allowed to have things go our own way. We always had to make one sacrifice or another and that would never change. I knew I shouldn't associate myself with Harry ever again but I knew that I just needed to see him one more time. To at least tell him how I felt and make sure that he felt the same way about me.

I wiped my eyes and took in a sharp breath as I stood up. I paced around my room.

Did he want to see me? What would he say if I went down to see him?

I sat down on my bed again and gnawed at my nails nervously. Should I go? Or should I just try to move on? What difference would it make anyways?

We wouldn't be able to stay together, unless we did something crazy like elope and get married but that was not common nor practical. I couldn't do that to my mother and father.

Several tears escaped from my eyes again and I sighed frustratedly as I fell back onto my bed.

I'll just figure out what to do tomorrow.

I changed into sleepwear and brushed my hair and cleaned my teeth and climbed into the bed. I curled into my pillow and bit my lip as I looked blankly at the wall in front of me.

I didn't want to let him go, but I also had no idea of what to do. Whether or not I go back to him, or completely disregard everything we had built over the past couple of days, I knew I would end up heartbroken regardless.

I mean for God's sake, I gave him my virginity. And then he told me he loved me. I couldn't just let that go.

I'd just decide tomorrow.

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Maybe like, five more chapters left and then an epilogue.

What do you think is going to happen?

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