The Dreamer

FOUR - When Karma Strikes

I walked out of the gym, feeling devastated from what I saw. Are they in relationship? Did they agree on something? Why? Why am I so curious? He doesn't care at me anyway.

I reached our classroom. My other classmates were all looking at me like I lose the lottery. I told you. They look at me like a loser. A total loser. I'm not surprised.

Some boys were busy chatting in groups, while some girls were talking about the previous game.

And you know what?

There's Jennie.

Jennie, who is sitting in the middle of the circle sharing her oh-so-unforgettable moments with the hottest guy in the world.

"He even told me to come with him at their locker room and gave me a kiss," she said. "Look at this one. This, this is the empty bottled water he drunk in!"

"Sunbae really did that?! Omg! You're so lucky!"

The girls started to be thrilled about her bullcrap story. Oh my God, the amount of imagination here portrays she had a lot of Krimstix awhile ago.

"Seems like that 'button' of his uniform is really your goodluck charm, huh? What else?" the girls asked again.

"He gave me his medal," she answered looking at me. "Tada!"

The girls looked at the medal like it is the most valuable thing in the universe. This time, I really would like to snatch that medal and put it in her mouth until she become satisfied.

The class hours moved on so fast I didn't realize our teacher dismissed us already.

But I'm still here, sitting alone, looking at the board one hour from now.

There on the board, I could read:

Shin: beach? bitch?

Slut Shin = SS

How's sex with a sugar daddy, huh?

Looks can be deceiving

I stood up and started to erase them as tears began to fall. What have I done in my previous life to suffer like this?

Ah, I remember. I used to be like them before.

When I was in first grade, I had a classmate whom I always bully. I don't bring my notebooks in school because I am so lazy to do so. I always borrow hers. I always ask her to bring extra notebooks for me.

When I was in second grade, we had a transferee. She doesn't have a chair so I told my seatmate to leave me so the transferee could sit beside me. During our review, we tried to write the answer under our table. Our teacher caught us and that transferee whom I thought as a friend betrayed me as I receive the disciplinary action: face the class as the teacher expresses her anger to the cheaters like me and pounds my head with my notebook. Err, that was embarrassing I became nice since then. I changed for the better.

I am so shy and kind in front of other people that I even give them half of my food, but I am a badass in front of Yoongi that I cuss/curse at him and bully him for being so short and chubby. So yeah, Yoongi knows the real me.

But now, I realized I am receiving the real karma. I can't even stand on my own. I can't even fight for myself like I used to do in front of him. That's why I lose him.

"Why... it feels like you are avoiding me? Do you hate my presence that much?" I asked him.

He replied, "It's because you don't know to love yourself. You act like you're a mighty one in front of me, but you can't even save yourself."

Then he left. I am trying to understand what he said, but I didn't get it. His answer is too far from the answer I was expecting.

That was also the first day when our older brother-younger sister relationship started to fade. It fades like he doesn't save me anymore whenever I am in danger. It fades like we weren't childhood bestfriends at all.

"Help yourself. Don't wait me to stand you up because that won't happen."

Seems like these words from him would be my forever anthem.