Fast Car

Sixty-Six

Isabel

As my hands clutch on the steering wheel, my eyes abandon their last hold of my tears...

I have no reason to keep them in my eyes anymore...

As they flow down my face, I drive myself to where I belong... home.

It is ironic how the place I ran from because it was not home is the same place I am running to now, because it is my only home.

I don't know where I went wrong, but something must have happened because the sorrow in my heart is not a normal feeling.

Their teary eyes leaving their dad and running after me, their cries... just the memory of them I can't handle.

When I think about how I found myself surviving with Liam when agony was burning my loins for leaving Adam... and then I just left him like that...

When I think about all the shit I have put Adam through... just because I got scared.

I don't know if I will ever forgive myself... but I can't stay... I can't choose either, they deserve each other more than I deserve any of them.

I need to stop... my heart is so tired!

The only thing I realized I excel at is self-destruction...

I drive through the road, I look around me and I see people living their life normally while the regrets in my head are sucking the life out of my lungs...

I open the visor, I look at myself in the mirror and somehow I don't recognize the reflection I see.

I miss myself and my past. I miss my mother. I miss Jess and Nicky... I miss the air. I miss the sun... I miss my life when all I cared about was which dress to put on my doll.

As I drive away from my problems all I can see is the filmstrip of my life... painful and happy flashbacks. Flashbacks of when everything was fine then flashbacks to when everything fell apart...

I look at my lifeline in front of my eyes, it was so fast I never got a hold of it... it was so fast but it felt like a million years have passed.

All my life I blamed people for breaking my heart... today, I learned even though I survived every bump... it was me; I broke my own heart.

Hours and days, a night then a day... I am finally driving into the driveway, I am finally home.

I park the car and I run to knock at the door. I knock so loud and so fast... but no one opened the door.

I walk to the yard to get the spare key from the flowerpot where dad keeps it, and I see dad sitting on my lounge chair and a woman sitting on my hammock.

"What the hell dad... why are you bringing strangers to my yard" I yell at him and all I can see is the woman's hair.

"Isabel?" he calls my name as if he has just seen a ghost but runs towards me to hug me.

As he wraps his arms around me, I forget about the woman and I start crying... I just need the touch of pure love to break me all over again.

"What's wrong mousey? We were just saying how much we miss you..."

"We?" I ask

"Yes, we... we miss you so much our little princess"

Her voice pierces through my heart and in some weird way; it was all I need to hear...

"Mom!!!" I shout and I run towards her, I hug her just like the old times... I hug her so tight as if she just picked me from school.

Her tears are scrolling down on my shoulder and my tears are no better...

I am finally home... and it was all I needed.

I can feel her mouthing something to my dad and suddenly I feel his arms wrapping us both right inside his heart...

"But how?" I pull myself from the most beautiful hug, I look at them and I ask...

"Mousey, life was ugly without you and your mother so much I hated it, so when she showed up at my door, I realized how stupid we were for losing all those years. I learned that when you forgive you don't change your past, you change your future... so when I looked at her beautiful face, I found myself falling in love all over again... and forgiveness was just the next best thing"

"I love you dad" and then I turn to my mom and I tell her "I love you too mom" and suddenly everything felt right and nice...

... Well except for that break in my heart.

... Nothing I can't survive though.

I am home... finally.

"For how long are you staying?" dad asks me as we sit down to have dinner together like a family.

"I am back for good daddy," I answer with a happy face and a tear in my eye.

"Anything you want to talk about?" Mom asks

"Later, I promise..." I answer and look down at my plate to eat dinner... a dinner I haven't had in 14 years... with a family I haven't had in 18 years.

After dinner, mom and I head to the kitchen to clean the dishes.

As we finish, dad barges in, closes our eyes and take us somewhere to show us something.

After a few stumbles, and insatiable laughter... he lets open our eyes...

While we were doing the dishes, he was setting up a tent outside in my yard.

"Today we are sleeping under the stars, just like we used to do when Isabel was 5 years old..."

I jump and I happy dance. I hug them because no matter the years and the distance they still know the accurate thing to make me feel better.

Mom brings the sweet stash and we sit all three of us laughing... then I look at the stars above me, I see Adam's eyes... I know that he is looking at them now... but I also know that he is thinking of completely different things.

Then, the thought of Liam crosses my mind...

My mom's fingers wipe my tears, and I finally realize while I loved when Adam first did it and then when Liam did it... it was my mom's way of wiping away my sadness.

She starts braiding my hair as my head is resting on her lap...

Her perfect nails are playing with my hair, and caressing my face... "Will you ever forgive my biggest mistake?" she asks.

"We all make mistakes... let's change our future and leave the past where it belongs..."

Then her tears drops on my face...

"Rain is becoming salty in this area" I tell her and then we both laugh.

"Do you want me to tell you a bedtime story just like the old day?"

"I thought you'd never ask..." I answer her and I prepare myself to her stories.

Stories I miss them more than I can admit.

...

"... And that's how much he loved her, he died everyday just to let her breathe."

She told me the story of how much the moon loved the sun.

I instantly felt like I did the right thing leaving both Adam and Liam...

I sacrificed for them, because they both deserve it.

Sometimes, all one can do is lie down, and hope to fall asleep before falling apart...

Goodnight...