Imagine: Boy Toy

Part 36: My Marriage Was Not a Happy One

You and Tom sat on your couch, facing each other, cup of tea in hand. You began.

"My marriage was not a happy one. Jason, my ex husband, and I were college sweethearts. We got married too young, right after we graduated. I can't even remember what drew me to him in the first place. He liked to party. Was a big family man. I suppose that's somewhat redeeming."

You took a sip.

"He had a whole plan set up for us. He wanted to start his own contracting business. We would wait until that got off of the ground, then I would go to law school while he supported me. It took longer than I'd like. We weren't financially secure for me to start law school, even after three years. It wore on him, I could tell. I didn't feel like waiting anymore. I spent three years trying to support his dream. It was time to start on mine."

You kept your eyes on your cup the whole time.

"So, I enrolled and worked two jobs to sustain ourselves. It was around then, that things started changing. Jason hated that I had to work through school, that wasn't a part of his plan. But really, his ego was so bruised that his business was failing, and I didn't want to wait around to watch it falter even more. It started with little digs here and there. He said I was too much of a nerd. That I thought I was such hot shit because I was so smart. Like being smart was a bad thing. Then I was burning the candle at both ends. I would go right to one job after class, work until 10 or 11 at night, then study until 3 or 4 in the morning. Then I worked every weekend tending bar until 2 a.m. It was crazy. I still don't know how I did it to this day."

Tom listened carefully, his eyes fixed on you.

"But the time away from Jason gave me perspective. I started to see just how different we were. I started to resent how immature and completely unsupportive he was being while I was in school and basically being the only breadwinner. There was a lot on my shoulders. Then, the times I was finally around him, we would always fight. He said I was trying to show him up by taking on so much. But what other choice did I have? He didn't put forth any effort to find any sort of employment, electing to sit home and drink instead, wallowing in self pity. Then the fighting got nastier, turning into name calling, things would get thrown. He broke a mug of mine that used to belong to my dad. He knew how much that meant to me. He looked me right in the eye and smashed it with a smile on his face. I knew then, that I had to get out. But I had nothing left. I hadn't the time or energy to even contemplate leaving him. I was burnt out. I knew I just needed to keep powering through and that there had to be an end in sight."

You bit your lip and took a breath, continuing.

"Then I did get my J.D., and I got a job at a pretty decent firm as an associate. I started at the bottom, but kept moving forward, always with that notion that once I established myself, maybe I'd have the balls to leave him."

You took another sip, swallowed.

"Then I met Michael," you looked up at Tom. "Michael was another associate at the firm, older, much more experienced. I think he had been there for 7 years at that point. They were going to make him partner. Michael kind of took me under his wing. He was always so encouraging and supportive. He gave me cases that really no associate fresh out of law school should have. But he had faith in me. He always told me to 'work my magic'. It was nice to feel appreciated like that and he was easy on the eyes. Then one night, we were working late together and, well one thing lead to another, and we ended up sleeping together."

You looked down again.

"I was riddled with guilt, naturally. Jason had not been a great husband of late but I did love him at one point. And I took my marriage vows seriously. If I hadn't I would have left long ago. To make matters worse, Micheal was also married. With children. He didn't talk too much about it with me, but I can't think it was picture perfect. Pretty soon it turned into a full on affair. We'd make excuses to stay late and work on a case. I would accompany him to conferences and we'd sneak off. I knew it was wrong, but when I was with him, I felt free. I felt desired. Most importantly though, I was never happier. I knew that something was happening between us. I knew I was falling in love with him. I knew that I finally found the courage to tell Jason it was over and to start being happy."

You face felt felt flushed and your mouth dry. You took another sip and noticed a tear fall into your cup. No holding back now, Y/N.

"I told Michael I loved him, that I was going to leave Jason. That I wanted to be with him. But Michael said he couldn't. He said he couldn't do that to his kids. He said he loved his wife and she would take his kids away if she ever found out. He said we had to end it. He said he couldn't love me, not like that. Naturally, I was heartbroken. We ended it there, after that talk. I couldn't just continue to sleep with him and not have it royally fuck me up. He was so apologetic. Said he should never had started it, that he knew better. But he thought I was so exceptional, and he was drawn to me. I was drawn to him. I completely understood and I didn't hate him for it. It was just as much my fault. Still, it was enough for me to see that I couldn't be in my marriage anymore. I saw the possibility of being happy with someone other than Jason, so why was I still there? I told Jason everything. I wanted him to hate me so it would be easier. He didn't even know who Michael was. He never showed any interest in my career. I told him I was going to go stay with Celia. He laughed and said I'd be back before long because I've always been with him and didn't know how to be alone. I was afraid he might be right."

You looked up at Tom. His brow was creased with concern? Worry? Or maybe he was rethinking this whole relationship.

"Then, a week after Michael and I ended it, I got called into a meeting at work. The whole firm was there, except for Michael. Michael had a stroke at home, they said. They found a tumor on his brain. His prospects weren't great. Weeks they said, maybe a month or two. My boss explained that Michael's wife told him that his speech was failing, so if we wanted to see him, we should go soon."

You choked back a sob and cleared your throat. Reliving this whole thing...it was too much. You stumbled on.

"I was devastated. I sat in that conference room after everyone left, staring at the wall. My assistant had to come in and get me. 'We're all so sad about Michael,' she said to me. And I just looked at her like she was stupid. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell anyone that, yes, we're all so sad, but I loved the son of a bitch."

You laughed a little and wiped your cheeks. Tom held his cup and just watched you unflinchingly.

"I wrestled with whether I should visit him or not, but ultimately knew I needed to. When I came to his room, his wife was there. She was so beautiful and kind and hugged me. She said Michael spoke so highly of me. I thought the foundation of the earth would just open up and swallow me right into hell. I was so ashamed but had to play the part of concerned friend. I consoled her, offered any sort of help I could give. She called me sweet. Sweet! I felt horrible and for the first time, I truly loathed myself. She left the room to give us some time alone. I wasn't ready for his appearance. He was covered in wires, and monitors and tubes. His breathing was echoed by beeps and chirps. He smiled and held his hand out and when I took it, it was so cold. All I could do was stand there and cry. He pulled me over and I sat down on the edge of his hospital bed. His voice was barely above a whisper but he told me to go be happy. He said, 'be fearless, be happy, and kick ass.' Then he told me he loved me. The bastard actually said it. And when his wife returned, I was sobbing so uncontrollably, she was consoling me! I left in a hurry."