Confusion. // Jyrus

Chapter 3

When I was walking home with Andi, I couldn't think of anything. She kept talking about her dramatic life and I just kept smiling and nodding. We walked past The Spoon and I looked in, my eyes drifting towards Amber. I should tell Amber. I should tell somebody. I hadn't realized I stopped walking until Andi waved her hand in front of my face. I had been staring at the restaurant, my lips parted.

"Are you hungry? We could stop in." Andi said.

I shook my head. "No, I'm good," I said and I kept walking.

She stopped me and grabbed my arm. "Well, now I'm hungry," She said. "Do you want to just stop in for a minute?"

"No, I'm good. I have homework." I said. She shrugged and walked inside.

I started to walk away, but felt my phone buzz in my pocket. When I pulled it out, I smiled when I saw Cyrus' name on the screen. His message read, "Hey Jo, is practice still on today?" I groaned. God, he was so sweet. I cannot believe I forgot about practice. I told him I wasn't feeling well and went to my house.

My mom was in the kitchen and she gave me some ibuprofen to make me feel better. I laid in my bed, refusing to do my homework.

I had to think about this. I'm not gay. But, I don't think I'm straight. I could bisexual, I think. Or pansexual. I don't think I even know what that means. I dragged myself out of bed and grabbed my computer from of of my desk. I stared at it for a few seconds wondering what I should type. I typed "list of sexualities" into the search bar and clicked on the first website that popped up and scrolled down to the "Bisexual" section. I had no idea that there were so many different options. I realized that I needed to think about this a little more. Do I like boys, or do I just like Cyrus and his personality?

I tried to picture Cyrus and I being together. Would I want to put my arm around him? Well, yes I would. Would I want to kiss him? I've never kissed a boy before, I don't know what it's like.

I slowly drifted off to sleep while thinking about it. I woke up at 6:00 pm and went downstairs. My mom was sitting on the couch watching Four Weddings and eating jambalaya. I got myself a bowl and joined her. We commented on each of the girls' weddings until my mom said out of the blue, "I can't wait for your wedding."

I looked over at her and her eyes were glued to the TV. "Yeah," I said, and she turned her head to look at me.

"I was thinking of blue for one of your colors. You look so good in blue." She said.

Cyrus loves blue.

"Of course, it may be up to your bride," she said, turning back to the TV.

That night I dreamt of my wedding. The colors were blue and yellow. I wore a dark blue suit with a yellow tie and handkerchief and stood at the end of the aisle in a church, under an arbor of white and yellow flowers. The doors at the back of the church opened and Cyrus walked through wearing the same suit as me, holding a bouquet of yellow and white flowers with his dad at his side.