Confusion. // Jyrus

Chapter 13

I woke up the next morning with a headache. My mom gave me a hug and some Advil. I wandered through my house all morning, my mind foggy. I didn't want to think about Cyrus, but whenever I grabbed my phone, I would always drift over to his profile and scroll through every picture I could find of him, crying over how I could never have him. It was strange that I never knew how much I wanted this until I realized I couldn't have it. But even if I could have him, what would I do after that?

Obviously our relationship would have to be a secret. Although, I'd want to be around him all of the time. I'd have to tell my mom, my teammates, the school. Everyone would have to know that I like guys. That'd be too embarrassing for me. There was no doubt in my mind that everyone would hate me. I already failed my dad, playing frisbee instead of football. My mom wanted a man to protect her, and my dad left her with me. My friends adored me. I had a title.

I had to uphold that title. I couldn't come out.

My mom knocked on the door before peering in. "Do you want to go out? Get some dinner?"

I checked my phone. I didn't realized I had wasted the day just lying there.

I ran my hands through my hair. "Yeah sure, just gimme a sec," I said.

She closed the door and I dragged myself to my dresser. I changed into a different pair of sweats and put on my sneakers before heading out the door. I sat in the passenger seat beside her and stared at her hands on the wheel. She was fine with Cyrus being gay. She'd be fine with me, right? But what about the guys? What about the team? Everyone was alright with Cyrus because it was typical. It was expected. He had nothing to lose. I have everything to lose.

Cyrus was all I could gain.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and went to text Buffy. I asked her how much Cyrus had liked me. I knew he had a crush on me, but I didn't know the extent. She told me it was huge and he'd talk about me all of the time. How would he had just forgotten all of those feelings after meeting another guy?

It hit me.

He had a chance with Walker. Walker was this new guy who was openly gay and looking for someone. I was a popular guy that was straight with a girlfriend. I was off limits. He didn't think he stood a chance. Maybe if I came out, he would think he would. He might break up with Walker and ask me out.

And all I had to do was come out.

My mom pulled into the restaurant and I rubbed my eyes. I had to do this. I was going to come out to the Space Otters team.