Tiny - Tomatt

Deny

Matt was hyperaware of Tom. He still was curled up in the crook of the large, soft, warm neck. But it was not as comfortable as it had been when he had first nestled himself there.

Tom was tense. If Matt felt correctly, he had also been shaking a tiny bit. Tom had looked away from Matt a few seconds after he'd curled up there. He had dangerously taken his eyes off the road just to keep from looking at Matt, even though it would be hard to turn your neck at such an angle anyway.

Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe he doesn't want me to see his face, Matt considered. I saw him blush... I wonder why... Matt told himself he wondered why. But in his heart he had a sneaking suspicion of the truth.

The thing is Matt had always been sure of his sexuality. Even from a very young age, way back in middle school, he had always felt an attraction to both girls and boys. In highschool he would notice pretty girls wearing makeup, their curvy figures developing and filling out. But he would also notice the cute boys - the tall, muscular football players always appealed to him, but not as much as the well-groomed, handsome, sociable ones did. However, the one person he had always loved the most...

Was obviously himself.

Matt had always had a very heightened, possibly unfounded pride, respect and obsession of himself and especially his appearance. Every morning he would wake up, he would scrub his face until he thought there couldn't possibly be a single speck of dirt anymore. He would comb out his hair until it was smoother and softer than silk and gel it. Finally he would brush his teeth three times - once when he woke up, once before breakfast, and once after. This routine still stuck with him even after he moved in with Edd.

However, when he had first met Tom years ago, he slowly felt it changing. His self-obsessed routine was slowly becoming less and less for himself. And more and more for... Well, he would tell himself it was because he was putting himself out there, and meeting new people.

He couldn't deny that Tom was pretty cool. His hair was really weird. The fact that it always inexplicably stuck up struck Matt as insane. His black eyes were extremely creepy and unreadable at first. Matt would never know what he was thinking, whether he was staring at Matt or off into space behind him. But soon Matt learned to tell by his body language. If Tom was standing up, chest somewhat puffed and eyes wide open, it was a... positive mood? If Tom slouched in his posture with his eyes half lidded and a grumpy frown, he was to be avoided. And if Tom had a crazy look on his face and was blushing for no good reason with a flask in his hand, he was obviously drunk and needed taking care of. Edd would always be the one to do that.

Matt could never lie to himself that he didn't think Tom was dateable. He would definitely go for it under alternate circumstances, but Matt had to suppress his feelings for three reasons. One: They all lived together and it might make poor Edd feel awkward around them. Two: If they broke up, it would get extremely awkward and tense, and they would still have to live together. And three: he didn't know if Tom was straight or not, and he also hadn't known if any homophobia had existed in the household - though through his years living there it was clear they were totally fine with it. Matt came out to them, and they acted as if they didn't care or mind whatsoever, with encouraging smiles and a pat on the back.

But Matt's thoroughly planned relationship logic was slowly pulling apart at the threads as he subconsciously noticed how Tom was acting. Tom never told me what his sexuality is. He could like guys. He could like even me.

Matt shook his head, accidentally brushing his face against Tom's neck again. Don't get your hopes up, Matt, he thought as he couldn't help but notice Tom's forward-bound face again become dusted a light pink and the shoulder underneath him become tense again.

Ugh, Matt thought. What are you doing, Matt? Cuddling on his shoulder like a little baby? Don't you realize what could happen if you develop serious feelings for him? Absolutely nothing positive whatsoever. Stop it, stupid. And so Matt shoved his feelings deeper down than he had ever shoved feelings for anyone else. Matt sat up on the shoulder, leaning his back against the neck.

Tom was utterly disoriented. What is Matt doing? It is normal to cuddle up in any soft thing nearby, right? As Tom thought about it, the less he could tell himself so. He remembers Matt always trying to sit up tall with a straight back, head touching no surface, in order to keep his hair from getting messed up.

He must be cold. Yeah. And he's in the sort of situation where hair isn't something you should care that much about.

Though Tom was almost able to convince himself that what Matt was doing was completely normal, he still was confused about the emotions he was feeling himself.

I am straight, he told himself. I have always been straight. He furrowed his brow and nodded to himself to solidify the fact further.

But then he began thinking. Tom had always thought Matt was attractive and obviously very handsome. But who wouldn't think that? It was normal to see a guy like Matt and think, Oh wow, he must get all the ladies... and/or gentlemen, right? Didn't all guys, no matter their sexuality, think that about Matt?

Tom used to notice things about Matt. The bright sparkle of life in his eyes when he laughed or smiled, flashing his pure white, straight teeth. The way Matt's skin would shine a bright gold when he came out of the shower wrapped up in a towel. But he thought it was normal to notice these things. Didn't Edd notice these things too? Again, Tom told himself that any normal person, no matter their sexual orientation, would notice and appreciate Matt's appearance.

But he could never take his eyes off Matt when he would see these things. He would have to soak them in while they lasted. But when he would glance at Edd, the coke-lover would never even lift his bored eyes from his pencil and paper, drawing and doodling away.

Nothing I've ever thought about Matt can be anything but normal. Normal friendship. That's what we have. A totally normal friendship between three guys. And I. Am. Straight.

Tom let out a long held breath, closing his eyes briefly. Normal. As he did so, he felt Matt sit up normally on his shoulder. Just... like normal.

As Tom thought about it more, he couldn't help but grin and chuckle aloud at the situation. Nothing about this is normal, he thought, picturing the tiny Matt. But it is absolutely hilarious. He laughed out loud once again. "Matt, it's so funny how you're so small!" he said with a grin.

Matt forced a laugh with a halfhearted "Yeah, it is." No. Do NOT get your hopes up, Matt. We're friends. He doesn't like you. Normal friends laugh and joke with each other. No feelings involved.

Tom's grin faded into a smaller, forced smile. Seeing this tiny, inexplicably sad gesture made Matt's heart crack on the inside. He doesn't like you, Matt told himself again. Don't get your hopes up.