Cigarette Smoke // FILLIE

Questions

       With a sharp nudge from Maddie, I nod casually as if I wasn't questioning everything about the boy's suggestion on the inside.

He gestures me to follow him and before I can even tell where we are, the cold rush of fresh air hits me like tidal waves hit the shore.

"My god, it's freezing out here." I mutter quietly to myself as my hands retract to my upper arms and begin rubbing them to cause friction.

"Here, you can borrow my coat. I'm practically sweating anyway." Finn shrugs nonchalantly while laying his famous black with matted fur lining coat over my shoulders.

It's only then that I realize Finn had taken me out to the backyard where a bench swing sat before an empty and covered pool that no doubt will be used for parties the second temperatures rise.

"Anything in particular you want to talk about?" I question as we both sit down on the swing, the cancer stick still sitting comfortably in between his fingers as he exhales a cloud of smoke.

"Not necessarily. Though, I do know you have questions for me." He explains while swiftly inhaling the nicotine and tobacco into his lungs between words.

Wetting my lips, I marvel at how it is he can read me so well yet still barely know me at all.

"You gonna ask me why and how drinking will help you? Are you going to wonder how Jack knew about you? Are you gonna think, I wonder if he's known his band members long?" Finn lists with his eyes glued to the night, his words freezing me in my place as those exact questions had roamed around my mind for what seemed like ages.

"Well.. are you going to answer them?" I query curiously as he smiles ever so softly.

"Yes, Brit, I'll answer them."

"Firstly, I've known Calpurnia for a good portion of my life- almost seven years. We met in middle school after all the elementary school combined. Jack, he knew because I had shown up late yesterday to practice and my excuse was that I was talking to a 'British girl'." He answers, answering all of them except the only one I truly, deeply am dying to know.

"And the drinking?" I ask as he then exhales out yet another puff of cancer and breathes out a heavy sigh.

"The drinking.. it helps.. with the pain I know you're feeling right now. It numbs it for a while and for just a night, you actually feel alright again. Like you're not just silently hurting but actually able to breathe without having to think of them and being reminded of what you lost."

He glances over to me, noticing the gulp I take to keep myself stable.

"The only thing with it is that it get's addicting to drown yourself out of reality, and soon enough you can't tell why you're even here anymore. You forget why you tried to drown yourself in the first place." Finn states and by the end I can tell it's no longer him giving advice, but confessing something much more personal, something he can only know from experience.

"But that's just the worst case scenario. A girl like you wouldn't be so foolish." He spits harshly in disgust as if it weren't obvious he's insulting himself.

"Finn," I breathe out as sorrow for the boy builds larger in my heart in seconds flat. His eyes meet mine as his attention draws to my concerned voice, and suddenly the disparity that gleams in his eyes is no longer a mystery, but a cry for help that he can't manage to scream.