Cigarette Smoke // FILLIE

Alright

m i l l i e

       "Bullshit. You want me to tell you I'm sorry, that I regret letting Ayla kiss me, that you're my everything, and how I swear to never fuck up again. That's what you really want, isn't it?"

I furrow my brows at his statement, wondering why kind of emotionless prick he really is.

"I don't know, maybe? What's wrong with you?" I retort back, pure confusion laced in my cracking voice.

"What if I were to tell you that I don't know? Tell you that I don't know anything about what's going on because I've fucked up my whole damn life because of stupid sticks, and now I'm losing you because of an impulsive kiss I shouldn't have let happen." He vents out calmly, small hints of deep emotion rising in his words.

"If you already screwed up your life, why still care about me?" I ask through a sniffle.

He presses his lips together, "Because life isn't everything, is it?"

I fall silent to his question as I let what's left of my waterworks roll down my cheeks and stain my flannel as they make their way down my neck.

"You're so fucking confusing, Finn." I breath out slowly, hearing him snicker lightly from beside me.

"Suppose being confusing makes it easier to understand." He mutters out, his voice certain in his own quote.

"If that's true, what about being curious?"

"Then I suppose knowing makes you curious." He offers, though it's almost as if he'd known this all along. As if he knew I was going to ask.

"How is it that you made me forgive you without even apologizing?" I ask through a pitiful scoff.

He raises his eyebrows, "What do you mean?"

"One minute ago I wanted to never see you again and yet now I'm talking to you as if you didn't just cheat on me. But the worst part is.. I don't even care that you did anymore. I can feel the pain- but I can't at the same time." I admit honestly, finding that he could break my heart a thousand times if he wanted but it would still be his to break.

Is that pathetic?

"You once told me that when you're with me, you forget about your father and the grieving- all the feelings you wish you could run away from. Who's to say that's changed?" He mentions lowly, an explanation I only shake my head towards.

Of course, he'd have a stupidly accurate explanation. Of course- he'd stray away from admitting his mistake. Why even act surprised?

"Honestly, Finn, I think it hurts more to know that you don't care enough to apologize or- or even make an effort to show that you even acknowledge that what you just did is something a girl would dump you for." I stamper out while holding back tears, praying that I can be strong in this moment as I tell him off.

"Brit-" He says through a sigh, slipping his hand into mine before I swiftly pull it away.

"No! No you don't get to 'brit' me and act like I'm overreacting, I have a name! Just because I made a deal to be there for you, doesn't mean you get to shit all over me and expect to be forgiven. That's bullshit." I snap while standing up, yelling at him from above as he sits on the ground staring up at me with lifeless eyes.

"I should've listened to Noah from the start. He told me you'd hurt worse than my dad, and here we are. How could I be so stupid to think that you were some kinda angel? I mean- really?" I vent, starting to pace back and forth at a rather calm manner despite my frantic mind.