Cigarette Smoke // FILLIE

Understand

f i n n

       Laying on the firm mattress of my bedroom, my eyes stare up at the scrapped ceiling as my hand lays lifeless on my stomach; the other resting underneath my head while my mind continues over one thing- or rather, one concept. Millie.

It's not just what she said, it's how she said it. She said it as if she wasn't afraid I'd hurt her or fuck up her life.

As if she wanted to be with me longer than these two weeks I'm allowing. Well, too bad, Brit- I'm not going to let myself hurt you.

Call it pity, but I can't let the whole cycle go over again- not with Millie. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself.

The whole cycle of falling for a girl and being happy with her until I fuck it up somehow after only a month and end up hurting both of us in the process. I'm not going through that with Millie- I refuse to.

It doesn't matter how much I care for her or how much she wants to still be in contact with me after this, she'll hate me if we'd continue. And truth be told, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if she did.

With one last thought I find myself drifting off to sleep, my promise on my mind and protest against it in my heart.

-+-

       Another school day passes without a word spoken between us, only glances in the halls as she walks beside Noah and and who I assume is Maddie.

The same two from her Polaroids. There's an obvious tension between the hazel boy and

Millie, and it's more than obvious he has a major crush on her- maybe he even loves her. Her though.. I know she doesn't feel the same.

My thoughts get cut off as a hand slaps onto my shoulder as I walk down the front yard steps of the high school, a blonde boy following.

"Hey, dude, how come you never got me that Brit's number?" Jack questions in both a joking and annoyed tone mixed together.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, almost defensively.

"You didn't get my text? Oh never mind-" He brushes off, pushing his hand in the air as he continues.

"You know the British girl, M-Miley?" Jack guesses as he snaps his fingers in attempts to regain his memory.

Rolling my eyes, I correct him flatly.

"Millie."

He smiles brightly, nodding as he points to me.

"Yeah! Can you do me a solid and get me her number? Y'know, be like my wing man." He suggests with a playful wink.

Shaking my head I shove my shoulder from under his hand, "Why do you want it?" I query flatly, almost in a murmur.

He blinks as if it were the craziest question he's ever heard. Dumbass.

"Um- are you blind? She's hot as fuck, Finn. Even a scrub like you can't deny that." Jack states as he punches my shoulder lightly.

"You mean you only want her number because of her looks?" I ask as we stop at my car's parking spot; intentionally putting in a hint of curiosity in my voice to hide the growing anger.