Obnoxious Oxygen

Chapter One

Failure is part of success.
Those were the words my dad always tells me. I tried to make sense of every single failure I had in my life and of it being a part of success but I couldn't come up to one. Every time I fail it's always worse than the last. There's like a stage I've managed to complete in order to move on to the next level of embarrassment. That doesn't make sense at all.

I look around and a café lies ahead, its burnt orange paint is glistening in the first golden rays of the day. There are jewel-like rain drops clinging to the name–Mug. The sidewalk is quiet, the bustle will start in a few short hours but right now there are very few people walking. The concretes are oblivious to whether it is midday or midnight.

I smiled at the sight of the flower planter to the left, they put in new blooms that will give us flashes of sunny yellows and hot pinks downtown. From my stand, I can almost hear the heartbeat of the city. Like an old Grandfather clock ticking. Quiet and peaceful. And though I'm in no hurry I keep walking, I was actually supposed to be jogging but I don't feel like doing it.

My mind is currently racing through things that happened the past weeks. On how my life turns out like this, on why am I here. My phone started ringing and I don't have to look at the screen to know that it's my mother. She's the only person who calls me this early. I took my phone from the hidden pocket of the leggings I'm wearing and answered the call. I'm quite surprised to hear mom's gentle voice, not her usual reprimanding tone. There's a mixture of longing and sadness in it and I feel guilty for causing it.

"Gabby! Finally, you've picked up. I miss you, darling."

Mom has been trying to reach me for days and I'm expecting her hold forth about my sudden take off, so I never answered her calls until now because I miss her too. "I miss you, too."

"How are you? When are you coming back?" Mahinahon pa rin ang kaniyang tinig ngunit hindi nakatakas sa aking pandinig ang kaniyang mahihinang hikbi. "Honey, it's been a month. Don't you miss home?"

Oh, I'd lie if I say no. I do. I just don't think I'm ready to go back there and pick up all the shattered pieces of my life. I need a break from all the misery that is me.

"You know how much I worry when I don't see you and Chanel. Baby, comeback to mommy please?"

If only it's that easy. Like when I was in pre-school and got burnt out with all the puzzles and word hunt they ask us to do, I will come home with mom and her fruitcake then everything will be fine. I'm back to being happy. Among my siblings and me, I've always been the Momma's girl. I can't say no to her at anything. I'd be whatever she wants me to be and it upsets me that no matter how hard I try I feel like I can't be it.

"Baby, if this is about the Vera Moda contract then forget it. There's so much more waiting for you here and I will always be by your side. Remember, we're teammates."

"No, mom. This isn't just about that. It's a lot more. And I'm sorry for always upsetting you. I miss you, so much, you and daddy. I need this break away from everything." Everything suffocating. I blinked back the tears started to fill the corner of my eyes. "I'll be fine here, you have nothing to worry about. Zander will take good care of me–"

"Ngayon nandyan ang kapatid mo. Paano kung muli siyang umalis ng Pilipinas?" Zander is an aeronautical engineer and his work demands a lot from him. He's barely in the country, at most he's in Russia. "Paano ka? You can't be alone–"

"Mom, I'm twenty three not three. I can take care of myself." She was about to say something when I cut her off. "Please? Please understand that I need this. I badly need some time to reflect. I love you, I have to hang up now and I'll call you some other time. Tell daddy I said hi and I miss him, so much. Ciao."