Keeping up with the Blobshrooms

vERY IMPORTANT VALENTINES DAY UPDATE

i literally just thought of this while i was throwing away trash about 50 seconds ago,, i thought it was to good of an opportunity to pass up,, i'm sorry if this is actually shit because i can't be bothered to do anything lol - dilly

ALSO HAPPY VALENTINES DAY MY NON GENDER SPECIFIC PEEPS

shrek's pov

"tyler senpai wait!!!" i panted trying to catch up to my unrequited crush before he went out onto the stage to begin the gameshow he and his moms would be participating in. the producers told me to stay back and wait to be announced to come out but me couldn't do it. i had to talk to tyler.

"what the fricku u swamp rat we're going out in 30 seconds!" his queen tyler gurgled.

"UrM firstly that's offensive and i'm not a swamp rat i'm shrek, SHREK THE OGRE! NEVER HAD I FELT MORE DISRESPECTED IN MY LIFE."

phil emerged from the background and began violently clapping for shrek. dan pulled him away and asked if they needed to have a word.

"what do u want then shrek?" tyler asked a mild hint of sincerity in his voice.

should i do it. i thought to myself

what if he actually doesn't like me

or says no

or worse. has a crush on that troye boy.

no no that's impossible i'm shrek what's not to love? i sensually stroked one of my own slimy green layers on my lower thigh which was exposed by my absurd jeans i bought from hot topic in which the thighs were completely exposed. i thought i looked shrekxy but now facing tyler i regretii my desscisionetti. i watched as tyler gave me an odd look noticing.

"i wanted to know if you'd go on a date with me? ya know boo to a drag race or something?"

dan gasped.

"yes!!!!! yes, shrek of course i will go to a drag race with you!!!!! i love drag race!!!! omg we should compete!!!!!" tyler jumped in circles excitedly.

dan started violently clapping again and began to roll around the floor. at this point phil had given up on him and was face palming in the corner.

"CAN YALL NOT" i shrek the great spoke. "anyways... tyler," i began

"oh it's time for me to go out onto the stage but shrek, i would love to go to a drag race with you. ohhh!" tyler shrieked excitedly "my boyfriend can come too!!!"

"boyfriend?" shrek whispered.

"yeah, troye." tyler said. a man gestured to the love of my life and told him to go on stage. "oh that's my que, bye shrek."

i waited for tyler to walk onto the stage and begin talking before i had my break down.

i slammed the flowers that i 100% had hidden behind my back the entire time onto the floor. i bolted through the wall.

"WHAT THE FUCK SHREK DAD U BROKE THE WALL!!" dan shouted.

"FIGHT ME U SPOON!" I CALLED BACK.

when i reached the parking lot i slammed me thick green fist into a car it's alarm began going off. i can't believe tyler is with that troye sivan hoe i'm so much hotter than him. i looked down at my green layers and stated crying at the thought of tyler stroking them lovingly. i bet he strokes troye's like that.

i slammed my fist down onto the car once more and plopped down on the pavement hiding my face into my hands letting the tears fall.

"hey shrek u okay." it was a familiar voice. i looked around for it. then me spotted it, i was sat next to the same green bush i had hidden in before. 

"down here u big green lump."

"hEY!" i said through sobs. i looked where the voice came from and saw shaniqa the snail scooting along the pavement.

"u good bro." she said. "cuz u be lookin' like a burnt ass chicken tender."

"just go shaniqu." i said no wanting any trouble.

"no u green ugly ass hoe i have children in that bush u can fight me." she said.

i'd had enough of her bullshit. i stood up and kicked that snail ass bitch into oblivion so far she hopefully would never be able to scoot her way back.

"SHANIQU SAY U A WRINKLY ASS HOE SHREK!!!!" the snail shouted as she sailed through outer space past mars. "IT LITERALLY TOOK ME 12 CHAPTERS JUST TO GET BACK!!! YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST LET ME FEED MY BAVIES BEFORE YOU YEETED ME INTO THE GALAXY. I DO DARE SAY U BE THE ROODEST BROCCOLI LOOKIN' ASS I'VE EVER MET!!!!"

i sat back under the bush and resumed his self deprecated crying. 

"WHY YOU DO THAT TO MY MOM BOI" a baby snail shouted.

i picked him up and threw him to feeling no regret considering the horrendous amounts of disrespect i have gotten today. 

not editing this yolo sorry if there are any mistakes