Poems

Night

I lay awake at night
Thinking of a better life
One where I'm in love
And it isn't forced love
A life where I'm in my dream house
With my dream job
Or a life where I'm a great student
Wanting to do homework
Getting great grades
And have lots of friends
Or a life where I'm able to travel the world
Meet new people
Learn languages and like it
But the best life I imagine is the one where
I am dead
I think of all the ways I could do it
I think of the pain
I think of the clean up
I think of who would find me
I think of who my things would go to
But most importantly
I think of my mother leaning over my casket
Whispering to my body
"You were not my daughter, You were just a disappointment I was stuck to raise."
And that hits me
I start to cry
I feel the only emotion I know how to feel
Sadness
I snap back from my thoughts
And look into the darkness
I do not really want to die
Do I?
I have no clue
I feel nothing again
Not even sadness
There is no emotion left inside me
And looking back
There is only 4 emotions I can feel
Sadness
When I am alone in my room
Anger
All day because I should not show sadness
Happiness
But only for split seconds of the day
But the strongest one I ever feel is
Love
But it is non exsistent anymore
And that is my own fault
I felt love with him
But I was stupid
What I wouldn'd give
To just have him back
Then thinking of him
The cycle starts again
And I end up thinking I was better off dead
I bet thats what he thinks
Since he hasn't even talked to me
And he is the reason
That I can not sleep when it is
Night