warnings - panic attack; tiny bit of violence—————
anxiety attacks are strange.
fear completely overwhelms you as your mind races though every possible sign of danger. the fear of dying and fear of losing your mind takes over, any consequence of your actions falls short from your mind until it is too late.
unfortunately for ryan, this is exactly what happened to him.
there was just too much noise. everywhere he looked, people were screaming at each other as if they were miles away. arguments didn't always bother him, but for some reason his hearing was hypersensitive that day and his mind was on high alert.
"stop shouting." ryan whispered to himself, over and over again as he slowly curled up on the sofa. it had crossed his mind that he could merely walk to his room and shut the world out but a large part of him was refusing to cooperate.
then the panic set in.
why couldn't he move? god, why couldn't he just get up and leave?
without warning, a small body barrelled into him and a scream left his mouth before he could stop himself. he could feel the way his heart rate picked up and it only increased his fear.
why couldn't he calm down?
he began to cry into his knees as conversation slowly died down. they had all noticed him now.
please stop looking. they didn't.
"ryan?" an accented voice quietly reached his ears; it was alex. he suddenly felt the sofa beginning to dip as the boy sat next to him. a warm hand found itself on his back but ryan hastily flinched away, breathing rate picking up.
"charlie, get mike." he heard him say, concern lacing his tone.
seconds later, ryan heard two pairs of footsteps rushing into the room. alex stood from the sofa and ryan almost grabbed onto his wrist, silently begging him to stay.
he didn't.
mike knelt down and placed his hand over ryan's bicep, attempting to provide the boy comfort.
"get off," he murmured but his request fell on deaf ears, "i said get off!"
but at ryan's aggression, mike held onto his other arm as well, trying desperately to hush the boy and stop his fear - fuelled anger escalating. this only panicked him more and he found himself thrashing in the grip.
he screamed and cried as mike attempted to calm him down. in that moment, ryan's world was a blur of confusion. everything seemed to jumble together until he shocked himself out of the daze. mike's hand slipped off his forearm as he yanked it away.
and his world seemed to stop as his fist collided with the man's cheek.
he stumbled back with the force and shock of the hit, clutching his jaw as the pain set in. ryan seemed to snap himself out of his terror at the sound of flesh hitting flesh, though his breathing was ragged and heart rate still erratic.
in that moment, ryan had never felt so scared of himself.
he had lost control of his own body, panicked mind taking over. a few screams registered in his brain when he finally looked around.
tyler and charlie were helping mike up from his position on the floor, the care worker groaning slightly. the rest of the residents were gazing at the scene in disbelief. archie stumbled back and jody placed a hand on his shoulder; he would not look at ryan.
before anyone could say anything, ryan apologised profusely through rushed breaths and practically ran into the kitchen.
it was not long until the care worker walked into the kitchen, standing across from the boy looking out of the window. they stayed in somewhat comfortable silence for a while, ryan then turned to the care worker.
"when are you sending me away?" ryan eventually asked, voice timid and just... broken.
mike attempted a frown but he winced from the slight pulling of skin; ryan wished he didn't notice, "what do you mean, kiddo?"
"mike, i... i hit you," he hesitantly breathed out, "it's not safe here with me around. not anymore."
mike placed a hand on the boy's quivering shoulder, an indescribable emotion welling up in his chest when his hand was gently batted away, "ryan, you're not dangerous, okay? you care about everyone here, you wouldn't dare hurt them purposefully. i know you wouldn't."
purposefully. no, he would not hurt them purposefully. however, ryan had no idea how many times these 'incidents' might happen. it was not his first panic attack and certainly would not be his last.
ryan bit his lip and turned away from the care worker, "i hurt you." was all he whispered into the silence.
it didn't matter what he wanted anymore because all he could think about was the blossoming, black bruise on mike's skin.
and his own split knuckles, a physical representation of his sanity tearing itself apart.
—————
i'm hyped for this week's episode - finally a ryan centric one
also, has anyone else noticed the amount of screen time alex, charlie, tyler and jody are getting? it's giving me life but also worrying the undying shit out of me 'cause i can't help but think they're going to leave soon.
YOU ARE READING
the dumping ground // one shots
Fanfictiona collection of one shots and drabbles for a television show that deserves more recognition. this will be centred around one of my favourite characters, ryan reeves, but there will be some drabbles focusing on other characters. {lowercase intended...