Nanny Needed

Twenty-eight

28. Reflections

"Can we talk?" SeokJin asks Kookie as he steps in. He ended up coming home a day before the children returned.

There was so much Jin had to think about. So much that he was still confused about. It was a day of reflection for him. He still had so much to figure out. There were times when he was certain and others left more confused than before.

He knew that he had to talk his feelings out. Figure out what Kookie was feeling. Not Kookie but figure out what Jungkook, the person, was feeling towards him. Sure, they both screamed, yelled and said things which hurt but there was more to them than that.

Jungkook was always guarded with him. Since, the beginning Jungkook safeguarded his heart. Made sure that Jin couldn't read him. It was then that he realized that there wasn't much he knew about Jungkook personally. Only the few things he let slip by in comments. Jin talked about himself but he never talked about himself. If he ever made a questioned it was turned back towards him.

Of course, he never realized because he was so entertained by Jungkook. He guessed it was because Jungkook was shy when in reality he knew he would leave. One day Jungkook would leave them behind and he was already in too deep with the children.

If he was added to the picture then Jungkook would be stuck there with them. Is stuck the right word? He wasn't sure how Jungkook felt about him or anything for that matter. He had to get some answers.

He had to know if he was right, Jungkook always intended to leave when he made Jin believe that he was in love. This was something he reflected on. He was positive of this.

"Um." Jungkook stopped when looking at him. He looked at Jungkook differently. Jungkook knew this was going to be an actual talk. That Jin would try and listen to him. He looked determined to have this conversation. Finally, the adult showing up.

"Sure. The living room?" Jungkook suggested.

Jin nodded. He waited for Jungkook to lead the way. He was still trying to gather his thoughts. He was still trying to make sense of it, try and figure him out.

Jungkook led the way to the living room. He, himself, was trying to figure out what made SeokJin change. Jungkook was only gone a few short days. Did Jin come to some sort of realization? Revelation? If he did what was it?

"Jungkook? Jungkook?" He called out to him. He shook his head and listened to Jin.

"I don't know where to start. We've been avoiding, prolonging, and possibly evading all together this situation. I guess, we start off by laying everything on the table. Let each other know where we stand, how we feel—I don't know. I'm just trying to understand. I thought—I know I've confused you but I thought I also let you know I what I was feeling for you." SeokJin had gone from starring at the coffee table to looking at him. SeokJin's hands held together.

Jungkook wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to respond but it was hard to find the right words. There was no right or wrong answer. He heard SeokJin let out a heavy sigh.

Jungkook's silence wasn't something he wanted to hear. He was disappointed in Jungkook and himself too. He thought Jungkook was ready for this. Did he say something wrong? Did he word it in a way that pushed him away?

They both were about to speak but stopping when they realized that both were about to speak. Both of them looked at each other. SeokJin giving Jungkook a turn to speak. Jungkook understood his right of way.

"I'm going to start of by saying that I have given this a lot of thought but you're right I'm confused. Confused by what you do or say and sometimes both. I don't want to look back on this and be upset. When I leave I want to be able to see the children. If." SeokJin interrupts him.

"Even after this conversation is over, you plan on leaving? I wanted to talk hoping we could fix this, fix us. I'm hoping—honestly, I don't know what I want out of this. All I know is that we still need you here. I need you here. You make life easier." SeokJin started to play with the ring in his finger.

"That's kind of my job. I take care of your children. I make sure they go to school and keep up with their studies. I make sure they're healthy, clean, and ready to go. I make sure they're tucked in bed, loved. That's what I do. If they didn't get you they got me.

"I was your replacement. Okay, that's a horrible way to put it because I made sure you were there for them. I took another job which wasn't in the job description. I worked with your secretary to schedule you around your children's events. It was hard trust me. I did more than was expected of me. I did it because I love those children and those children love you.

"They need you. I needed you to be there with them. That made them happy. It's my job." Jungkook recited the same speech to him. This time it was worded differently, it wasn't in anger but in a calm manner.

"I know that. I'm asking what you want. I want to know if you'll stay with us or will you leave us behind. It feels like the moment you walk out the door with your bags, you'll never come back again. And I'm afraid because I don't know you. All this time we've lived together I barely got to know you. I know what you don't like to eat, your parents rarely ever showed up to your events, and you once said that you would leave until you found a job or we didn't need you any longer. So which is it? Because I know we still need you.

"And I don't believe you've looked for another job. You haven't, you're stalling the inevitable. You don't want to leave. If you did, you would've left the moment you handed me your resignation. You're looking for a reason to stay. I'm giving you one. I'm asking you to love me and my family. Is that too much to ask?" He's coming off fearful due to the uncertainty of the future. An answer which may break not only his heart but that of his children.

Tonight might shift things once again between them or they'll remain as they are. He can't keep up with the façade in front of his children. He wants all or nothing.

"SeokJin." Jungkook's unsure of everything. Jin managed to stir him once again. Jungkook felt those feelings which he hadn't felt since their first kiss.

"It's not hard, SeokJin. I'm just—I'm not sure I'm the right person for that. All that back and forth. If you did feel anything for me, why did you date Jimin? To make me jealous? Because when I started to date NamJoon I did it with the full intention to forget my infatuation. He's winning my heart.

"I've guarded my heart when it came to you. I was afraid to fuck things up. I was afraid to become some fantasy to you. Am I? I've been playing husband here. I've been playing this person which Jisoo admired and looked up to." Kookie was starting to rewind when Jisoo would say "my appa would" "just like appa" "are you going to be like appa?"

Jungkook did his job too well. He took over as a father and husband. Boy, did he ever. The reflection of it all clear now. SeokJin didn't love him. He was still in love with his husband.

"Fuck," Jungkook said at the realization. Kookie, himself, was becoming his husband. When did he stop being Jungkook for them? For himself, most importantly?

"I screwed up, anyways," he mumbled.

The reflections in this short conversation gave them something to think about. Both of them making revelations about themselves and about one another. It was starting to feel like they were only steps away from closure. Closure to these rollercoaster rides they've been having. What kind of closure can they get? That's the only question in their mind.

March 18, 2018